Why Writing is Actually the Bane of My Existence.

What a shit title, you must be thinking. And you’d be right, that is a shit title, but I refuse to change it because it is my shit title and I own my shit titles. If I could see you, I’d stick my tongue out at you.

5227758-a-disgusted-girl-giving-a-bratty-expression-toward-the-cameraa-bratty-valley-girl-expressing-towardYou also may be wondering, like smart-asses always wonder, “why are you writing if it’s the bane of your existence?”

<—(How I imagine your face).

Simply because the bane of my existence also happens to be the thing I enjoy the most. Because I, apparently, enjoy suffering. Think about it. If you don’t suffer, you don’t really grow. And if I didn’t suffer as a writer, I wouldn’t grow as a writer. And we all know a stunted writer isn’t really a writer at all, but rather someone who writes.

It’s the bane of my existence because I can never keep things consistent. That was not meant to rhyme, but it did. What I mean is that I’ll take a hiatus for a while, kick myself for taking that hiatus, struggle coming from that hiatus, and then finally breaking through the clouds and pouring my heart into what I do. However, there’s always that looming cloud reminding me: you’re going to fall again. Hey, hey, guess what? *Initiate plummeting to death sounds*

Take this blog, for example. I had a lot of things going for me on this blog. I had consistent readers, consistent followers, I had a nice little fan base and things were moving along quite swimmingly. And then I went crazy and had to take a hiatus and lost all of it. Well, most of it. I lost the rights to the domain because I couldn’t afford it any longer, and I lost consistent readers because who the hell is going to wait almost a year for someone to stop being crazy so they can start writing again? People’s attention spans are NOT that long anymore. Including my own. I can barely pay attention to myself.

My fiction writing suffered. I stop writing short stories, I stopped jotting down ideas for short stories, and what initiated was a complete breakdown of the self. Writing is the bane of my existence because if I don’t do it, I’m at a complete loss. It’s like heroin. Warm, foreboding, deadly, and addicting. I use negative connotations to describe writing because, as you can see, I have a love-hate relationship with it.

not_funWriting isn’t all fun and games, people. Jesus. You can’t just slap down words in any old order you want and call it a piece. I mean, it’s not like I haven’t been doing that for the last 3 years on this blog at all. I totally calculate each word that spears through my fingers.

On a side note, I just bought Schrodinger’s “What Is Life” book, because I barely learned about it yesterday and cannot believe I’ve never heard of it. It should be a good read.

See: attention span = shit.

And that’s another bane of my existence: reading. I love it. I mean, I really love it. I read The World According to Garp in one sitting because I was so enthralled by the story I couldn’t put it down. After that, I picked up a second book and read well into the night. I love reading. But it’s always been hard for me to focus on something like a book, unless it snatches my imagination like The World According to Garp, or I’m on some medication like Effexor that makes me highly focused.

But writing. Oh-ho, fuck writing. I love it, but fuck it. And who’s to say you can’t love what you hate? There’s got to be a reason you hate it, right? Maybe you hate it because you love it. Maybe you hate it because it brings out a side in you that you can never project otherwise. Maybe you hate it because you’re just in a spiteful mood, but really you love it. I don’t know your life, man.

That is why you should embrace what you hate. Embrace your enemies. Embrace that one teacher in school who always picked on you. Mine made me a better writer, even when she called mine shit. Embrace what infuriates you the most, and you may learn the reason it infuriates you is something deep within yourself, something you’ve been ignoring.  And that’s today’s mental truth.


Your IQ and The MePhone


Am I the only one whose humor pitches a major tent while listening to black metal? I don’t know man, it must be something about their non-satanic, faux satanic hellish screams, clown make-up and fabricated foam horns they got from the runner up from last Season’s “Face Off” sticking out of their shoulder pads that get my funny bone throbbing.

I’m probably the only one.

After watching far too much Pyrocynical , I’m in the mood for some rich stupidity. Let’s get started, shall we?

*Just a note to all 2.5 of you Black Metal fans out there, at the moment I’m throbbing to “Hell Is For Children” by Vesania. Don’t know that song? Neither do I; it burst its way onto my iHeart Station.*

In fact, we’ll start this post with one of my pet peeves. Products related to and unrelated to Apple Inc. who put “i” in front of everything.

iheartradio-750x583Like iHeart. What the fuck does that even mean? Let’s really think about it from the perspective of the English language I’m sure we’re all masters of. Iheart is not a complete sentence. It’s not even a phrase or a fragment. It’s grammatical suicide and we all know how I feel about the nine year olds commenting on YouTube videos with “lyke if u cri evry tim”. I feel that’s where the inspiration for products labeled with “I” come from.

Yes, smart ass, I understand IHeart is a literal language translation of “I <3”. I also understand the point is to individualize the product, hence “IPhone”, or “IPad”. Yes, it’s your phone. I gathered that from the fact that you paid for it and you’re the one using it all the time. Does the name of the phone really need to tell me it’s yours? 

That must have been inspired by toddlers who have yet to understand the wonders of proper language. When you try to take their lolly from them, they screech “I lolly!” until they learn they should say “my lolly”.

The IPhone 7: the MePhone. Genius.


Then there are the intellectual leeches. The Stephen Hawking’s on the Einstein’s shoulders, like Bluetooth who sell shit like this:


Properly entitled the “Ihere”.

It finds your keys.



KEYS. That’s plural motherfucker, it should be the “We’re here”.

But maybe I’m just nitpicking. Let’s give all these companies the benefit of the doubt. They deserve it. Totally.

Speaking of intelligence, there’s nothing more stupid than people who waste their life trying to find cures for stupidity. Like those scientists who believe they’ve identified gene clusters in the brain connected to human intelligence.

By the way, they found it by examining brains of people who had neurosurgery for epilepsy. The article I read (which you can find here, but why would you want to without skimming my wonderful explanation of it?) did not express how they went about examining these brains, so I’d say it’s safe to assume during the surgeries they went prodding around with their scalpels until they found a soft spot or two.

tumblr_m1rp9yv4q61rs3p5uo1_1280The author jumps from talking about dissecting examining brains to the same mad scientists analyzing genes expressed in the brain and combining that data with genetic info from healthy people who were suckers enough to take an IQ test and from people with neurological disorders and intellectual disability. I’m assuming in that latter category some of these scientists were included.

The conclusion? Genes that influence intelligence in those so-called healthy people can cause significant problems neurologically if they mutate too much. Shocking.

I honestly thought that was already a well known fact.

“Like a football team made up of players in different positions”. That’s how the neurologist described how traits are governed by large groups of genes. So I’m going to take another wild guess and say the genes that govern intelligence in smart people crash head-first into each other less often than the genes that govern intelligence in not so smart people.

Although, these scientists are from Europe, maybe he was talking about non-american football and I just made myself sound like an idiot.



The point of all this are the implications of potential future findings. You know, let’s alter our brain power despite the fact that genes are incredibly complicated and turning on a part of one might make us grow antennas out of our asses. 

What would earth do with a bunch of smart people anyway?

Let’s think about what the people on this Earth with the highest IQ’s (we’re talking 190-300) are doing at this moment.

The guy with the estimated 250-300 IQ died in 1944 so I won’t defile his name. Very smug look in his photograph, though. He knows he’s smarter than the people who will look at his photograph in the future and call him smug.


The apparent media sensation in America, Christopher Langan just chills at home on his farm coming up with the Cognitive-Theoretic Model of the Universe. I have read portions of it (not all) and I’m not entirely impressed, but then again my IQ isn’t 210 is it?

Maybe it is. I never fell for that IQ bullshit though.

I did partially agree with what he said in 2001: science doesn’t consider anything real that can’t be detected and then measured. But you can’t technically measure a mathematical principal or detect one and yet they must be used for scientists to conduct their work. Therefore, people are using numbers to try and come up with information about a universe (most of which we can’t detect anyway) when numbers haven’t really been proven “real”.

Don't hold back...what do you really think?Disagree? I’m sure a lot of people do. It follows a pattern of logic though, so I’ll give him that much. It also requires you step outside of the realm of 2+2 and remember numbers are something man made up to help him make sense of the physical reality we experience.

And we only experience probably about 1 trillionth of what is out there. Perhaps more, but I can’t think of a number that I can spell larger than “trillion”.

The point, people, is that this guy sits around making up philosophical contradictions for math and publishing his thoughts on the influence of Consciousness in Quantum Mechanics and creating a foundation for gifted children.

Another guy retired at 30 and chills at his house doing smart people things.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not putting the world on these people’s shoulders, but you know, we could use some “gifted” people in office. Some smart people with a good ethical standing I should say. Help us integrate some logic back into society. I’m not quite sure what good the Cognitive-Theoretic Model of the Universe has really done anyone.

Regardless, there will always be someone smarter than someone else. Tampering with the genes that supposedly determine our level of intellect? I smell a government conspiracy coming on. 

As human beings who decided to establish laws to govern a society, we’re already racing for something. For reputation, for wealth, for the newest style, for the highest degree. Let’s not bring nature into this bullshit, please. Nature ain’t got time for that. It’s busy being useful. 





Sue Me, Please

If there are a lot of typos in this, feel free to spam my email about how disappointed you are in my writing. My eyes have gotten about four hours of sleep per night for the last week and they’re really feeling it. I’ll be sure to get back to your totally necessary message in about twenty years. If you’re the obsessive type, you can go ahead and count the days and send me another email in twenty years reminding me to respond.

Also a shout-out to any girls out there who go up the stairs really fucking slow behind their boyfriends. I swear. Some people woke up late and had to rush to class only to be thwarted by your slow, sensual walk–I don’t give a shit about how nice you can shake your ass, or about your stupid curled hair (mines natural bitch), or about how cute your laugh is. Walk up the stairs like a normal person, not a physically challenged snail.


I shush myself really often. I did it just now. Whenever my brain replays a memory I don’t feel like reliving, I shush it like I’m shushing a fussy toddler. It gets weird if I slip up and mutter or shush myself in class.You’d be surprised at the looks people give you when you talk to yourself as if they never do it themselves.

I shush myself in the same way I shush advertisements that tell me “mental disorders are on the rise” like they’re some kind of disease. Like it’s Ebola (remember, the cure is blended, liquefied money). Not only are they insinuating it’s a disease, but an infectious disease. Like if I sneeze, you’re going to catch depression. Oh shit, I just sneezed . . . there’s some depression in the air right now, hope no one walks into my room and catches it.

They’re finding new biological information about mental disorders every day (whether they truthfully present it to us or not is up for debate) and often times I hear people say “Bipolar Disease” or other such things, which bothers me a little. You don’t have dementia. Your neurofibers (that tangle when you age, naturally) aren’t strangling themselves like they are in someone with Alzheimer’s. We don’t call Alzheimer’s a mental disorder, we call it a disease because of the pathology, because of the physicality of it.

So of course that brings up the whole question of whether or not the brains of people accurately diagnosed with Bipolar (and other mental disorders alike) have something different in the structure of their brains and whether or not having something different in the structure requires a label of “disordered”. Is it disordered because average brains don’t work like that? Or is it disordered because it actually causes people distress? You think it doesn’t matter which definition your doctor or psychiatrist follows, but it does.

The thing that matters the most is whether or not you consider yourself disordered.

Of course they’ve found all sorts of physical links to Bipolar, schizophrenia, e.c.t., I’m not denying that. But do we have enough research, seriously, to claim with confidence they’re diseases? Think of what that word tells people: 1) mostly incurable 2) life-long 3) inevitable 4) you’re helpless to the disease.

You’re helpless to the disease. That’s not a healthy way of approaching a mental disorder or any mental health issues, whether we can medically classify them as a “disease” or not. If you think you’re helpless to your brain’s “wiring”, than you’re going to be. I mean, it’s very simple logic. If you think you can improve yourself, if you think you can overcome certain aspects, than you can. I still struggle like the rest of you, I get suicidal, I get anxious, I swing with my moods, but do I take it like “oh, I’m sick, it’s just going to happen, I’m sick, there’s something wrong with me.” No. I come up with some of the most brilliant writings in my depressions. I also get a lot of sleep which is something I’m lacking at this moment. On my positive days, I breeze through my work and almost cure Ebola. There’s so much more you feel and experience being someone with a “mental disorder”. Those are all positive things in my eyes. I don’t think it’s fair to say there’s something wrong with us.

When You develop Alzhiemer’s it doesn’t get better the older you get. That’s literally the exact opposite. Eventually, it will kill you. A lot of mental disorders and their symptoms settle down the older a person gets. Why? Who fucking knows, we don’t have enough research to know definitively. Ideas and possibilities are not enough to make a solid conclusion. So how close to a disease are mental disorders? Ehhhhh.

I do know that they’re not on the rise like a disease, that’s for sure. Doctors are just handing out disorders like fucking Oprah hands out cars: You get a Disorder! You get a Disorder! Everyone gets a Disorder! And now you clap and screech and reach under your seat for your disorder’s list of symptoms. Then you go home and pay the tax on your disorder because guess what, it wasn’t entirely free.

Anyone else think it’s a coincidence in the same span of time studies came out claiming Paxil is dangerous for children and teenagers, John Hopkins comes out with a study saying lithium is safe for children and teenagers? Hm . . curious.

LIthium? The drug that causes liver damage and heart defects in long term use? That lithium? Lithium Carbonate? Li2Co3? That Lithium? Of course over four weeks with 81 kids aged 7-17 everything is going to look fine. I mean, how stupid do you think people are? If you believe that four weeks, two months, or three months or even six months is enough time to gather whether or not that powerful drug is safe enough for developing minds, then you’re off your rocker. I really don’t care if you have an M.D; I look forward to being your colleague and pissing you off.

When I have my M.D and I’m officially done with residency . . . God, can you imagine me?

Just kidding.

I wouldn’t eat people, ew that’s disgusting.

I mean, I despise researchers who put out B.S data, and I despise pill-pushing psychiatrists, but I wouldn’t eat them or kill them. That’s . . .

Anyway, who defines what a disorder is?

Let’s take, for example: Schizoid Personality disorder. I . . . hmm.

A. pervasive pattern of detachment from social relationships and a restricted range of expression of emotions in interpersonal settings, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:
1. Neither desires nor enjoys close relationships, including being part of a family.

2. Almost always chooses solitary activities.

3. Has little, if any, interest in having sexual experiences with another person.

4. Takes pleasure in few, if any, activities.

5. Lacks close friends or confidants other than first-degree relatives.

6. Appears indifferent to the praise or criticism of others. 7. Shows emotional coldness, detachment, or flattened affectivity.
B. Does not occur exclusively during the course of schizophrenia, a bipolar disorder or depressive disorder with psychotic features, another psychotic disorder, or autism spectrum disorder and is not attributable to the physiological effects of another medical condition.

No where in this criteria does it require “impaired functionality” to be a criterion. Which means they’re giving a diagnosis based on their opinion of what disorder is, not on the individual’s opinion of what is disordered. These people generally function just fine. They might be a security guard for 25 years, but how is that any of your business?

Oh, I forgot, this is America: we’re all about individualism; if you’re not striving to be “your best you” in the eyes of society than you’re just a fucking weirdo.

Why is it wrong not to desire a close relationship with someone? It’s wrong because the “majority” of the people don’t experience it. That’s the logic here.

Native cultures have an issue with “majority rules”. Probably because Majority rules is pretty stupid; consensus makes more sense. Life needs variation and variations aren’t wrong, they’re just different. So leave them be.

If someone prefers to be alone, “shows emotional coldness” and lacks close friends, fucking sue them.

I lack close friends. I interact with people because I have to; it’s like a chore to me. Sue me, bitch. That’s a direct challenge. I’m itching for a fight today.

For Christ’s sake.

P.S: For real, at least subpoena me. I’d love to tell a court room full of cameras how stupid you are in defense of all of us different people. I get high off that kind of shit.

Time To Take Your LonexaflupoladaxinosciolosoproSATANimol

Well, I woke up at 1pm and went straight for the cookies again, so you know what that means.

Maybe you don’t.

I probably don’t either.

Anyway, let’s talk about diagnosis!

I wonder if there’s a diagnosis for “always being paranoid about being followed and watched by demons or someone/thing or some shit at night” and “frequently hearing voices screaming and mumbling random phrases like ‘LOOK AT IT!’ and ‘ARE YOU AWAKE YET’ when you’re really tired” because I have a rampant case of whatever that is.

Well, I know hearing voices when you’re extremely tired, going to sleep, or waking up, has it’s own category: hypnogogic and hypnopompic hallucinations. Typically you just hear your name or a phone ringing or something. Neither of those have happened to me. Not that simple, at least. I hear my name often in public though, and I’ve heard a megaphone guy shouting across campus but there were no megaphones around so I’m like whatever dude, I don’t have time to investigate this shit brain, stop dicking with me and focus; we have integrals to do.

This semester I was standing in line to get my chem lab book and my boyfriend was about three people behind me and I kept hearing my name being called so I spun around about three times and he’d always be looking at his phone and we all know I don’t know anyone else in that hell hole. The people behind me kept giving me looks like:

It’s okay though, their little brains can’t understand the magnitude of my weird awesomeness. When I’m rich and famous I’ll come back and pimp slap them with some baby powder on my hand.

I sort of have a diagnosis, kind of. Social anxiety disorder and depression are definite; the others, I’m not sure about. I’d say I have symptoms of whatever they wanted to label me as, but I’d much rather focus on the symptoms than jumping back and fourth between a diagnosis. I mean, say if I were seeing things and hearing things that weren’t there and I’m paranoid that my neighbor has put microphones in my apartment to study my breathing patterns so he can . . . steal my lungs . . . but I also kind of fit diagnosis for Bipolar when I’m not freaking out about my neighbor and hallucinating–I’d much rather them focus on the things that are actually lowering the functionality of my life than whether or not I’m schizophrenic, bipolar, or schizoaffective.

Diagnosis isn’t entirely important for treatment, not in my opinion. You have a list of symptoms in front of you. So treat them. Who gives a shit what you want to call it; we all know that’s just for insurance purposes anyway. Unless you want a diagnosis then I’m 100% behind you. It’s all about you and what you want.

Of course, if you’re really disconnected from reality, it’s probably a good idea to get a sense of what you’re going through with diagnosis because it would help you realize you haven’t been experiencing reality. But it also might get this pesky thought into your head that you’re sick, and ill, and perhaps deserve nothing better.

It also makes people freak out. If I had a nickle for every time I saw an “Am I schizophrenic?” question on Psychcentral, I’d be Bill Gates swerving in a Lamborghini right now. If you have to ask that question, you’re probably not.

I mean, most of them aren’t even close! People hear the words in every day life and they WebMD the shit out of it, see that the website lists “Angry Outbursts” as a cue to schizophrenia and people go “fuck, fuck, fuck, I got angry yesterday, shit! I’m schizophrenic!” And they’re running around their house sweating because now they’re starting to notice other symptoms. One question I read on the “Ask A Therapist” column had something to do with a kid who had chronic knee pain and he equated that to schizophrenia. I don’t know how, but he did. I . . . what . . .

I started reading all sorts of psychological things when I was a teenager and yeah, I thought my behavior fit a lot of disorders. So I’m going around thinking “shit, I’m crazy” and i’m 100% sure I imagined half of the symptoms just because I read about them. It’s dangerous to self-diagnose, I think, especially when you don’t understand the full gravity of the stereotypes that come with calling yourself mentally “ill”.

But diagnosis will always be there. I’ll never have a problem diagnosing someone unless they’re adamantly against it. What I am worried about is the APA tossing bullshit under a diagnosis and calling it a problem.

One of the things people were worried about–Including many of my psych professors who were in and have been in clinical practice–when the DSM-V came out was the fact that 1) they took out a section in the back of the DSM IV that gave you a list of environmental and social reasons for people’s behavior that you could list via code with your diagnosis and 2) they were coming with a lot more disorders that they figured preceded other disorders.

At least they got rid of the schizophrenia sub-types (I.e, paranoid, residual, catatonic, disorganized, undifferenciated). Finally.

I have the DSM-IV and DSM-V and I laughed at the fact that these people tried to get “Attenuated Psychosis Syndrome” into the DSM-V. I mean I physically laughed. If you don’t know, attenuated psychosis syndrome is basically listing the symptoms of someone who may develop psychosis in the future. I’m sure you and I could think of at least fifty reasons why that’s a bad idea.

This guy, Allen Frances (MD) said it perfectly: ” ‘Psychosis Risk’ had been DSM-5’s most feared and controversial proposal because it doesn’t do a good job of actually predicting psychosis and might well cause stigma and exacerbate the already existing, wildly excessive use of antipsychotic medicine in teenagers.”

I mean, duh. Doesn’t take a genius to figure that shit out.

And “Intermittent Explosive Disorder” and “Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder” or, what I like to call “Slightly aggressive tantrums”. If your kid is hitting people 24/7 and screaming and being deliberately deviant that’s a whole other story. But these disorders are so easy to over-diagnose it’s disgusting. Any parent who finds their kid hard to deal with who takes them to a doctor who could really care less about looking deeply into their behavior as a child and your behavior as a parent is going to toss them a diagnosis and have them labeled as an “ill” child. You know what that does to a kid’s self-esteem? If you tell them they have a problem they can’t control? Whether you say it blatantly or not, they’re like sponges, they’ll pick up on it.

And if your doctor is stupid enough, he might prescribe your 7 year old medication and then when they’re thirteen they’re having all these weird ass tics and mood issues because no one allowed their brain to develop like a normal brain. I watched a case study in one of my previous psychology classes of children being diagnosed “Bipolar” at ages 6, 7 and 8 and by the time they were teenagers they were 1) fully convinced they were ill 2) fully convinced they couldn’t live without medication but hated that “fact” and 3) had all these odd physical symptoms, including aches and the development of a tic disorder.

One of the children had actually had an odd, manic-psychotic type episode (they had tapes of the therapy sessions) so she’s a different, rare, case.

One 5 year old was placed on mood stabilizers because he was “Bipolar” and he’d often sit in front of the computer and repeat the phrases “everything is hot, everything is hot, everything is hot” and the camera man was like “what do you mean everything is hot?” and the kid just stared at him and kept repeating the phrase. He’d do this with other phrases too. His parents were terrified of what was going to happen to his brain as he got older but the psychiatrist they worked with was convinced this child needed these two medications. The parents said they didn’t want him on it, but they didn’t know what else to do.

They didn’t know what else to do.

Well, I could think of one thing they could do. One thing that’s pretty damn obvious, I think. You probably can too.

And don’t worry, the behavior they described wasn’t even close to actual Bipolar Disorder.

We’re a quick-fix country. And we instill that ideal in our children. Native cultures teach you to think about what you’re doing in terms of the generations before you and the generations ahead of you. How do you think our children will be five, seven generations later? Popping a pill for the cut on their knee?