Revelations (Question Mark)

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I’ve been thinking a lot about the future. I’ve been thinking a lot about independence and my struggles with it and, most of all, my career. I’ve been thinking about transferring to another university and falling into the same hole I have over here of never reaching out and saving my grades by the skin of my teeth at the last minute. I’ve been wondering what I really, really want to do with my life.

I’ve been wondering about this position I hold now and how much it’s impacted me on an internal level. How I thought I’d had it all figured out before, how I was so arrogant about my “progressive” stance in the mental health industry. How I preached that those of us struggling with our mental health should band together and be a community and “F.T.I.” as Tech N9ne would say. “Fuck. The. Industry.” How I preached all of that and failed to see that my vendetta against the industry has literally made no impact. It did nothing. It never will do anything.

So I’m changing my visions.

And I’ve got ideas. Boy do I have ideas.

What I’ve experienced with respite houses is unfathomable love and support. I experienced some genuine concern and gentleness from people in the hospital, but not at this level. I pray for the day we see a hybrid cross between the two: a peer respite that has hospital services that aren’t down your throat, up your ass kind of services. In fact, I want to be apart of that merge. I don’t think any kind of mental health care can move forward without us being a true influencing force behind it.

By “influencing force” I mean participating within the industry.

We could burn down the APA and the pharmaceutical billionaires, but as much as that fantasy really titillates my pleasure glands, what good will that really do? 

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So I’ve been thinking up ideas. I’ve been thinking of ways to both involve myself in the mental health community and ways to get the mental health community and I in all the rest of the aspects of community. I’ve been thinking of starting something.

I have many, many ideas. Not starting something big, not starting something wholly impressive like Paypal or Tesla, but something smaller, maybe like a Lenovo IdeaPad compared to a Macbook Pro. We all have to start somewhere.

“Oh no, what now, don’t go off the deep end”.

I know you’re all thinking that. But this idea that I have, I’ve been putting a lot of organization and thought into it. I’ve also been thinking about how rough of a transition it is to go from hospitalization to different programs and places and how it can feel like you’re being juggled around from place to place, from people to people, and even when some of the places are good, it can get exhausting to deal with it all. I’ve also been thinking about how important it can be to have an advocate on your side, and how–at least with the system in this town–if you’re not part of a specific program and you’re struggling or end up the hospital, there aren’t too many options for you.

Nicole's liberal dog college: 'We believe there is a gray area between good dog and bad dog.'There’s this weird middle ground between a classification of “moderate” and “severe”, between “insured” and “uninsured”, between “needs daily help” and “is generally well”, Between “no support” and “has support”. And I’ve been wondering, since I’m one of these middle ground people who sometimes struggle reaching out, what would beneficial for me? What kind of program that is connected in some way to peer programs?

A program that is a good educator for the community. Sure, NAMI does that I believe, but that’s not their main focus. They have many things they focus on, which is great. They’re a huge ass organization, with great funding. But what about something focused on advocacy and education? On helping people in hospitals, especially new-comers, finding all  the possible resources that could help them get back on their feet? Something that worked in conjunction to peer places and other like-minded programs? Something that, perhaps, helped vocationally or volunteer wise? Something–anything–to promote peer connection and community connection?

At the moment, there’s a fellowship I’m attempting to receive, that would help me create something like this locally. It’s going to take a while.

A condition of the fellowship, were I to receive it, is that I drop out of college. That scared me.

I came back to it and read their mission, their reasoning for this requirement, and I fell in love with it. I’m willing to give up college for the time being to become a part of something worth more than a degree. College isn’t going anywhere.

I’ve never been a college kid anyway. I’m good at academia, but it’s never been my real interest. My ideas have been my real interest. Besides, since when was school for smart people?

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Why would I wait another ten years to start a bit of what I planned on starting from the beginning any damn way? Why pass up an opportunity to Just Do It?

Obviously the refined finishings will be more innovative than what I put up there, and worth the amount put in by the investors and the amount awarded. I’ll be updating everyone on this. It’s not a “sudden” thing, really, I’ve been thinking about this idea for a couple years, before I even knew something like a respite house or a peer program existed.

What I want to do will be different and much smaller. It won’t be a respite or a group or anything that already exists. It will be smaller than all of the combined, but profound nonetheless, and connected to all of the above. I’ve got until I turn 23 to develop this idea to finite pieces, pitch it, and get the fellowship. That’s a year and a half. If there were ever a time for hypomania to be introduced to my life, now would be the time.

Ha ha see I can make jokes too.

I’ll stop now.

 

To You And To Me

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It’s 2016.

How many New Year Resolution posts will there be? I’m predicting 38,298,438,247 of them. 

Yes, I just pressed random numbers. Sue me.

I rarely do resolutions because I’m always reinventing plans as the year goes on. If I made a goal right now, chances are tomorrow I’m going to tweak it into something more manageable until it gets to the point where the original goal has been obliterated.

I will say the best thing 2015 brought me was this blog. It’s shed a lot of light on myself for myself and I’ve made connections with people who experience similar things to me–that’s a first. I’ve never had anyone be able to say “I understand” and actually mean it. So thank you to all of those people. You’ve been good to me and even though I may never know you in person, or ever talk to you again in my life, I’ll be eternally grateful. In just these last six months you’ve all helped me learn to accept my weirdness as a strength, as part of me, rather than an external weakness in need of evisceration.

And of course, thank you to all the people who just read and/or press the like button. I can’t forget about all of you, either. It’s nice knowing someone somewhere gains something from what I write, whether it’s “wow, I never thought of it that way” or  “that shit was hilarious” or “what the fuck is she on?” or “that was a waste of time” or “hey, I can relate to her!“. Haters are welcome, lovers are welcome, and everyone who may have trouble processing emotions are welcome.

Haters are especially welcome. In fact, there’s a V.I.P section for you right over here. Right by the edge of that cliff, right there.

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I’m just playin’. Ya’ll know I play.

Ya’ll know.

This blog grew pretty rapidly, much more rapidly than I predicted, but honestly I don’t care about numbers. I think this era has ushered in an incredible way to communicate and reach out to others. Our computer screens and phone screens may be taxing our eyes, and the internet might be ruining our attention span but it’s almost worth it. I . . . I think?

Anyway, I have another Thank You. Screw talking about myself, I just did that in a different post. Thanks to everyone who comes on here and shares their experiences with me and the rest of the web. It takes courage to put out a part of you that you might not let others see very often, even when it’s just through a webpage. But it connects us all, it heals us all, and if you come from a place where negativity has always been a ruling factor in your life like I have, it shows us there are people who have come from that same place and made a positive out of it. It requires you have an open mind and are willing to listen to others opinions. That’s a great trait to develop if you haven’t already. I’m still working on mine. This blog has helped with that tremendously.

One of the thoughts that ran through my mind when I created this blog was if I want to work in the psychology industry later on down the line, I better understand people’s opinions of it from the outside. Real opinions, not textbook opinions. I better see people have had better experiences than me in the industry, and worst experiences than me in the industry. I wanted other’s opinions on what they have to live with, how they do it, and how they interpret their lives. I wanted to know if the term “mental illness” bogged people down, cut into their self-esteem.

I quickly learned with some people it does. It really, really does. 

'You're not alone...most worthless losers like you have low self-esteem.'

I learned some people prefer the term “disorder.”

Some people take “chemical imbalance” really seriously. Others see it from a psychological perspective rather than a biological one.

I also learned some people don’t give two shits about labels. I learned both of those opinions and feelings are valid and that in order to really understand the thoughts of others I have to place my opinion on the back-burner and just listen.

I learned some people feel they need medication. Some people feel they don’t. Some people were mistreated in hospitals, others are thankful that it saved their lives.

b16a7e86-142c-401a-abf3-d80126d082c1I learned some people feel intimidated by their doctors and their psychiatrists. I learned some people fall prey to believing because they’re doctors they have some inhuman ability to know exactly what’s right for you.

I learned some people can’t stand their doctors and argue with them all the time.

I learned these blogs are something I wished psychology professionals–particularly psychiatrists–skimmed through occasionally, especially if they’d never dealt with psychological problems within themselves. I wish they took the time to see how much suffering is actually there. It might make them more empathetic and understanding towards their own clients.

I learned there’s a lot of humanity empty from the industry compared to what I see people pour out of their hearts into these websites. 

Anyone ever download the NAMI AIR app? It was a prototype and a clusterfuck. If you weren’t aware, “anti-psych” people talk a lot of shit about NAMI because of their affiliation with pharmaceutical companies. But the app was for chatting and getting immediate advice from your peers. It might still be in the app stores, I don’t know. I just thought I’d mention it because it’s another way to connect with people who go through the same things we do.

So I learned a lot these last six months and that’s the best thing about collaboration, right? You learn things. You develop a new understanding for your life and others lives and that’s invaluable.

'I have no idea what you are saying.'That being said, I’ll probably make a few changes to this website. I feel like I’ve been drifting lately from my original goal of creating a place to both vent and provide information. It’s been a clusterfuck of rambles, rants, and weird shit.

I like the word clusterfuck, can you tell? That’s a good song by Tech N9ne, in case anyone was wondering. You probably weren’t. But whatever.

*MentalTruths: Giving You Unnecessary Factoids Since 2015*

You see what I’m talking about? My attention span man, it’s fucking terrible.

Anyway, changes . . . changes . . .

I read a lot of psychology articles and books and personal accounts and I love bringing them to people who may not follow them. I’ll probably have a separate page for the more informative-type posts. Because I want to bring them back, they’re important. I’ll always provide original sources in case you don’t want my sarcastic touch on the summaries. But these types of things are important for me and for you; how do you expect to be in charge of your recovery if you’re not educated at least a tiny bit about it? About the industry? About the types of therapy there are? About the different types of services you can receive? Sure you can google it yourself, but why not just skim past my blog and get a laugh at it while you do it?

tumblr_inline_nynt1qivqm1slrtzn_500I can’t market myself.

 

I . . .

 

I’m . . .

I’m horrible at that. Just read the shit.

Shit.

I’ll probably add some photography, too. Because why have only one subject? That’s boring. I have to spice it up a bit. Pictures are nice to look at and maybe they’ll make one gloomy person crack a bit of a smile.

I don’t know. Half of this blog is for me, half of it is for you, and that’s just how I run my life.

I try to live for others as much as I live for myself. I’m part of the world, after all.

Happy New Year to you all. I hope through the struggles you encounter this year that you learn from them as much as you suffer from them. That’s the only way the pain will be worthwhile. There’s a lesson in everything. You just have to find it.

Life isn’t a fucking college classroom, okay? There ain’t no professor, there ain’t no “look at the board, students, this is why I’m making you solve those hard ass problems” kind of teacher with a lesson plan waiting to show you the step-by-step ropes to life in a three month long course.

How boring would that be, anyway?