Tag Archives: Marijuana

The MMJ Journey Pt. 3

 

Is this self-medicating?

I couldn’t give you a straight answer to that.

Because I find myself slipping into that mindset of “magic fix”, although there are no such thing. I find myself wanting to be “medicated” 100% of the time, and that’s my fault because I did buy an Indica strain with THC, mostly to help me sleep. Which it does. It also reminds me how nice being high can be. It’s like an ex-heroin addict taking Narco.

But what’s the difference, really, between this and the other psych meds I were on? Psych meds last 12 hours or so, hence the repeated use in the morning and the night, and no strain of CBD or THC can last that long–as far as I’m aware. It would make “sense” to use it more often throughout the day.

And then, at that point, isn’t the point to self-medicate? Isn’t the point of anti-depressants to medicate your depression away? Isn’t that the point?

41x3yditbxl-_sx322_bo1204203200_Of all the psych meds I’ve tried, they’ve all pretty much done the same thing: made me more numb than usual. A little more numb means, by default, less anxiety, less paranoia, less dissociation, less everything. That’s how you know it’s “working” . . . when you can’t feel anything, really. That doesn’t sound any different than someone in an alley shooting heroin to forget whatever they’re trying to forget.

But once you come out of it, you’re going to remember again. Same goes for anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds, and anti-psychotics. For the overarching majority of us, “symptoms” are still there regardless of whether or not medication is down our throats. For some reason that possibility of “no medication will ever help” is meant to make us feel hopeless or, at the very least, disappointed.

With every medication I’ve tried, I’ve been disappointed, and MMJ is no different, because I have this surreal expectation that one day I will take something, do something, think a certain thought a certain way, and everything will disappear. But life doesn’t work that way.

That’s not an expectation I created myself, it was an expectation a lot of society advocates: you’re having problems with what? Go to the doctor, there’s a pill for that.

So, just like I would your average psych med, let me list the top five pros and cons of this route so far.

Pros:

  1. Sleep comes easy. Raspberry Kush has, by far, been my favorite for this, probably because of the familiarity of it. The strains I used as a teenager were also medical and one of them was that same Kush, due to ties we had with a grower.
  2. More focus. I am able to get some things done with less fatigue and a little more motivation. There are times I feel like my old self again, with a bunch of ideas (good ones, too, ones that are realistic, that I know I can accomplish).
  3. Less thoughts. Thoughts are what keep me up at night, and although nothing can “stop” the thoughts, their effect on me is severely diminished. On nights when insomnia is horrible, that helps a lot.
  4. Less fog. You would think “getting high” would put you in a fog, and it will if you’re a legit stoner. But for me, it lifts away that fog and lets me see things a little clearer. I don’t have thoughts crashing into each other, I have a few organized ones that I can take the time to enjoy.
  5. The present. With Sativa, I’m in the present and not the future or the past or whatever other parallel universe I get transported to.

Cons:

  1. Dependence. I do depend on certain strains to sleep or make it through the day. This is conflicting: people depend on other meds to do the same thing, but I hate dependence regardless of where or why. I’m working on this.
  2. Paranoia. Mmm, I . . . hmm. This could cause trouble. If you experience this yourself, you know you can feel it coming. At least, I can. I can feel the interjection of some thoughts here and there or that ethereal sense of being watched, tracked, listened to. I feel there’s someone who has been tracking my computer, or my profiles, maybe my IP address, because weird shit keeps happening on a few of them by people with different usernames, but they all do/say the same thing. That doesn’t keep me awake at night, but the spiritual things are, the demons–maybe I’ll explain this later. Also because I’m pretty sure a spirit just went into my poster. Which is probably why I had such a strong feeling to buy it when I did. Cool. Glad I’m not sleeping HERE tonight.
  3. I know absolutely that Indica makes me hear shit, more often than I usually would. It’s annoying, but since I don’t use much of it and only for sleep, I’m not too bothered. I only deal with whatever I deal with for a few minutes and then I’m passed out. I wake up very refreshed.
  4. It’s not very discrete. If you’re someone who smokes it, the smell will linger in your clothes and such if you’re not one to air out your room. I’m not one of those people who will go to work or class baked out of my mind just because it’s medical and “I can”. That’s just being an asshole. If I’m going to work, I will use CBD because I will be alert, focused, and calm but not high. “10/10 best medicine ever”–IGN.
  5. Can easily get expensive. Medi-Cal ain’t covering this, I spent $93 on my last haul, which is nothing really.

It was harder to come up with cons than pros, probably because I’m tripping on this poster. You don’t understand. I was pulled towards this poster when I bought it, and then all this weird shit is happening, my phone call was interrupted with static and what sounded like a bunch of voices or demonic something. My boyfriend on the phone heard it too. I’m thinking maybe a radio interruption? I don’t know, we couldn’t hear each other through the phone. He had to hang up and I called back. At any rate, I’m feeling right now there are a lot of secrets in this poster, I . . .

. . . need to stop talking and get ready for work. I also need to pull my mind away from all that before I drive myself crazy some more.

Conclusion? Be careful with Sativa, CBD or THC, and know your limits. Be careful with high content THC Indica as well. Be careful with high content THC anything. 

*NOTE: I’ve had waaay worse psychological experiences on psych meds. This is NOTHING compared to how Effexor fucked me up Effexor was pure shit. It had me feeling focused with some energy until I wanted to come off it and got sucked into some demonic hell. It was worse than an anti-psychotic withdrawal, I swear to God, and that was only after . . . three months? Three months. That’s it. Fuck Effexor. How is that shit legal?

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CBD, Psychedelics, and Alternatives

Since we’re on the subject of alternatives, let’s talk about CBD.

CBD, if you’re not aware, is an acronym for the Central Business District and Common Bile Duct and the Convention on Biodiversity.

It’s also is a shortcut way of saying CannaBiDiol, a compound within Marijuana plants. It accounts for about 40% of the overall extract from the plant, it’s highly known for being non-psychoactive, and is one of 113 cannabinoids within Cannabis.

You all know I have a long history with Marijuana, Mary Jane, that sticky-icky-icky, just as long as I’ve had a history with psychotropics, the psych meds, the poison, the Rx’s, whatever. Medication made it impossible to wake up in the morning, impossible to last throughout the day, impossible to not gain weight, impossible to feel like a human. Marijuana made it possible to tolerate the day, and not be present for it, which kind of sounds like a win-win to a 14 year-old who hated school, hated living, hated going home, hated waking up, hated everything. That’s why I poured vodka into the Gatorade and water bottles and chilled in class pretty fucked up.

I enjoyed that. I enjoyed all that because I wasn’t really present and I could skate through life without caring too much about the next day or even the present moment. Marijuana was helpful for my anxiety until I got deeper into mood altering and I’d sit with it until the world presented itself through a fish eye lens and I had to ask people if reality was real. People were changing shape and colors and I couldn’t really hear anything but myself; other people needed to shout in order for me to really understand through all my laughter and confusion. It felt like a very, very mild LSD hit. The last time I smoked a large hit of marijuana was about two years ago and the paranoia hit me bad. I kept hearing radios and cops in the bushes.

dmtaRegardless, I am a huge advocate for Marijuana and psychedelics like DMT and Ayahuasca. What I did with Marijuana was no different than what people do with heroin: abuse it. Were someone to use it for a purpose other than to escape reality . . . well, that’s a different story. These plants, psychedelic and otherwise (coke leaves, e.t.c.) have been used by indigenous tribes across the globe for centuries as spiritual healers, as pain relievers, as body stabilizers. Psychedelics aren’t for “trippin’ balls, dude”, they’re for reaching a different level of consciousness, they’re for getting in touch with the spirit world.

Westerners who try psychedelics with the mindset of “hallucinations aren’t real and they’re scary” get a terrifying experience. Others who have grown up around the understanding that this reality may not be the only reality, who have been at peace with the world around them and themselves go into psychedelics with a completely different mindset. It’s not very surprising that when confronted with something like psychosis or what we would consider “schizophrenia” over here–well, they often have a better prognosis and more positive experiences than those of us in the western “developed” world. Check out the striking difference between the U.S diagnosis of “Schizophrenia” and the experiences of those in India with the same diagnosis.

That being said, I’m going to document my adventure with CBD oil. I hear it’s fantastic for anxiety, and my anxiety has been terrible, I can’t wake up without shaking, I can’t go to work without shaking, I can’t go to meetings without shaking, I can’t do anything without shaking right now. Even eating makes me anxious.  There are CBD edible chews, oral gels, oils, wax (#dab), and you can vape it if you so choose. Personally, I’m more of a wax/oil type person (#DAB) only because it makes the former stoner in me nostalgic. But, edibles are nice too.

I’m not squiring oral gel into my mouth with a giant kiddie syringe. Looks fucking dumb.

I hear CBD is also wonderful for epilepsy and hard-to-treat seizures.

I hear CBD has the potential to be helpful with psychosis.

I hear both Marijuana and CBD can help depression, PTSD, and dissociation.

That being said: work with your problems within yourself, outward, whether that problem is psychosis or anxiety. Don’t expect a pill or a supplement or an oil or a wax or a leaf or DMT or aliens to get you where you want to be. 98% of it is up to you. 

For me, 2% will be up to this CBD oil.

If I die, you’ll all know why: the dispensary sold me heroin instead of CBD obviously.

 

 

Hell Is A Whirlpool

Warning: Partially Nonsensical rant coming. I should make a partially nonsensical page on my blog to separate it from the sensical things. Hmm.

Businessman with worried expression

It’s five in the morning and I just arrived home. Stress is by far my greatest nemesis.

I am someone who thinks very quickly, constantly, naturally. Contrary to what some people believe, that does not make me smart. I don’t know where the notion comes from: oh she’s a quick thinker, she must be Einstein.

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If I were Einstein, I wouldn’t struggle with math as much. And oh boy do I struggle with math. Although I’m one to pay attention to detail, because my head is constantly full to the brim with things to think about (things to do, things I could do, questions about reality, questions about non-reality, things I could make, build, extort, things I could become famous from but probably never will but that doesn’t stop me from obsessing over it, e.t.c), the small parts of math like the addition of a fraction in the middle of an integral for a work function gets thrown out the window.

It’s plagued me since I was in elementary school. It takes me longer to process math than any other subject, and I’ve noticed as I take tests and do homework, my mind gets lost in the sea of other brilliant/not so brilliant/ mildly psychotic thoughts and when I look at my answer and the back of the book and yank my hair out because the answer is wrong, it takes me another half an hour to notice I wrote “1/2” instead of “1/12” or I subtracted where I should have added.

It sounds minor, but it costs me a lot of points on tests constantly. In high school my teacher always shook his head at my tests and said “it’s always the tiny stuff with you.”

And it is. It is the tiny stuff with me. Thanks for pointing it out and never helping me come to a solution for it.

I won’t talk bad about him, he was one of the best teachers I had and the last I heard he fell into a really, really, dark depression after his wife left him.

When stress hits, my thoughts that already go 300 mph hit the speed of sound and all around my brain I have these little sound barrier breaks like this:

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If you know anything about physics or sound, or if you’ve seen one of these guys live or on YouTube, you’ll know you see the plane whizz past and hear the boom just a second or so later.

Imagine one thousand of those things passing over your house in different directions, consistently.

In this metaphor, in case you’re wondering, the physical plane represents one thought, and the boom represents my consciousness of it. I feel I’m always a split second behind my brain. It’s got so many things I want to do, so many things I need to do, so many things I probably should do but aren’t, so many things I probably shouldn’t do and still aren’t, so many real things, so many imaginary things, so many imaginary things that could be real and visa-versa.

I got a brain scan and through some improved technology, they managed to take a picture of the physical thoughts in my head. They were partying:

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As you can imagine, my memory is both shit and brilliant at the same time. To hold all these thoughts and ideas takes an incredibly amount of attention and as a result, my attention suffers. It’s a cruel world.

As you can imagine with my natural state being full of thoughts, with anxiety making my thoughts more obsessive, and stress making them quicker, I can’t sleep for shit.

As you can imagine, with all the above, I can’t relax.

And as a result, I shut down. Physically and mentally.I am currently in the middle of a shut down. Even the smallest thing, like handing a paper to my professor, becomes a monumental task I sit in my room and obsess over and somehow my brain convinces us it’s worse than climbing out of a trench in the middle of a war.

I also talk to myself a lot more often during this period with a tendency to twitch and/or smack myself. It’s not something I can really control, it all just happens, and I look crazy in the store: another reason I hate going places.

I. Am. Tired.

I don’t know why I’m still writing.

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I get a little break from it all with marijuana. I think I’ve said this before, but I don’t smoke often anymore, only when I feel I need to, and often it helps me sit down and realize I need to do one thing at a time and not beat myself up over tiny fucking shit.

It’s funny the progression of everything though. Smoking, I can sense a difference in the way my thoughts are formed; they’re a little more linear, they don’t slam into each other, and often I can go a full stretch of time without feeling overwhelmed by thoughts or suspicions or paranoia or even anxiety.

The anxiety deficit requires more than a few bowls though, which usually results in that very obvious “high” look and sound. If I’m not careful, I fall over the rim of normal marijuana high into the “people are in the bushes, keep watch” marijuana high, and that kind of high is some straight bullshit. That’s not fun, that’s the exact opposite of what I want when I’m high.

That didn’t start happening until two or three years ago. It’s a reason I cut down drastically.

And I can feel the high wear off when the first thought slams into the next. Then I’m thrust back into a whirlpool of hell in my head.

That’s where I sit right now.

My playlist tonight you ask?

That’s not my whole playlist.

But those were the last four songs I listened to.

Going to another Tech Concert in eighteen days, anticipating the new album 12/9/16. What a wonderful way to say farewell to 2016.

In case you were wondering, I’ve been a Tech N9ne fan since I was ten years old; so eleven years ago.

I’ve also been a Korn fan since I was 10 years old. They have a new album dropping October 21st if anyone was wondering.

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In case you’re thinking “Jesus, what kind of ten year old was she?” (the answer is an awesome one), I also listened to the fucking Cheetah Girls, so you know, go figure man.

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Medical Meth Card

lying-and-deceit-behaviors

One of my greatest pet peeves in life is deceit.

I hate liars. Mostly those who deceive a whole population on a global scale or a regional scale for the purpose of gaining more green. It bothers me that people are so uncomfortable with being human that they see necessity in pulling wool over the eyes of their own kind.

We know it happens every day. We know anti-aging commercials lie about the fact that collagen in their product doesn’t tighten wrinkles (collagen only works when injected, it can’t be absorbed). We know companies take photographs of someone like Jennifer Lawrence and feels she doesn’t fit their standard of femininity, so they use the shaving tool in Photoshop to take inches off her arms and hips and thighs for her to appear closer to an image of a Victoria Secret model. She knows they do it. Most people I’ve met know they do it. They know they do it.

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But we ignore that. Let’s, instead, claim mental disorders are on the rise. Let’s not take into consideration the frame rate of cartoons and the multi-tasking ability of phones we give our nine year old, let’s get mad that our children aren’t learning the math and reading they should while in school (who wants to do homework when there are computers and phones and internet and T.V at home?) and therefore we’ll take away recess and shorten lunch in elementary schools and watch the kids squirm and have outbursts and be disruptive in class. Let’s ignore everything I just said and only pay attention to the kids squirming and being disruptive in class part so we can instead say they have ADHD and include them in our diagnostic statistics and toss some pills at their parents.

ADHD is on the rise with kid’s tablets and nine year olds with Iphones; Recess is on the decline and so is discipline. Correlation, perhaps?

Takes quite a lot of credibility away from those who actually do suffer ADHD.

I missed a post yesterday and there is an important reason. It has got me contemplating more on what we get told and what we believe.

mind-control

On my previous post I spoke about seeing the positives in negatives and I do that often when I feel a wave of depression making attempts to swallow me. It’s a coping mechanism I’ve developed since starting that blog that sometimes stops me from falling too deep in a hole.

However, it did not come to rescue as I had hoped. My entire body has been aching for weeks because of this. It twisted from a depression into a rage and I felt the need to either punch some more holes in my door or my wall or start a fight with someone. Instead, I ranted in a long post about my twisted relationship with my rage of which many rarely see. I described my rage as the following:

There’s a part of me I haven’t given much attention, the part that sleeps soundly in the darkest, forgotten area of my mind beneath the chains and padlocks I’ve encased him in, the part of me which can wake at the sound of a pin drop, eyes raging, mouth frothing with malicious intention dripping from his glaring incisors now visible because of the vicious baring of his teeth. He’s been with me for as long as I can remember and yet I’ve ignored him the most.

I’ve spent my life building a ruse over him. I’ve spent my life being a perfectionist so at rare moments he could have permission to ravage my mind and control my body. He’s manipulative, domineering, and power hungry, conflicted over his own existence, and comes out most often in characters I’ve created in my writing, unbeknownst to me until I step away and come back months later.

I trashed the post because I struggled over whether or not it was something I wanted on the internet.

I do struggle with anger. A lot of it. More than people see or understand because I am a good liar; I let that beast out only when I’m 100% encased in solitude.

That being said, I could not feel myself calming to a rational level so I broke out my trusty high school friend from back in the day: her name is Mary Jane.

growing-marijuana-outdoors

Marijuana. Pot. Weed. Whatever you want to call it.

I’m a very intense person, so when I do things, I do them fully. I spent the evening I posted “The Promiseland” high and the following morning high. I didn’t stop until 7am, when I finally passed out.  I spent the majority of today high, as well.

And there’s a lot of controversy over the effects of marijuana. The government doesn’t want you to know the medicinal benefits until they can make a profit from it: hence the legalization of it that’s now wide-spread. Addicts want to lace it with Angel Dust (PCP) and ruin its integrity. Is Mary Jane just another high or is there a point to it?

I do not appreciate people who lie to doctors to get the rights to medical marijuana. I do not appreciate doctors who give two shits about who they’re providing recommendations for. 

I have friends with medical marijuana cards for no reason. They’re mentally and physically healthy. They went into a doctor, said they had anxiety or depression, said Marijuana helps, and got a card. That’s an insult, a fucking disgrace to those of us who suffer for real. 

I prefer to leave medical marijuana to those suffering from M.S or recovering from chemotherapy and cancer treatments.

Marijuana did take my aches away. It quelled my rage and chased away what little sliver of depression was hiding behind my anger.

pot-smoking-600x400Yes, I was a textbook classic “stoner” in high school. I smoked before classes, in between classes, ditched classes to do it, after school, late evening, and before I went to bed. However, since starting college I’d quit. I’ve smoked maybe five times over the last three years, including these last two days.

I don’t blaze my mind away anymore, but I do continue until a decent level of calm washes through me. I woke up yesterday afternoon with more energy than I’ve had in months.

Is this me advocating marijuana recreational use? Not entirely. Is it me bashing it? Certainly not. This is me saying at that particular moment on that particular day, marijuana wasn’t a narcotic to get me high and away from my troubles. It was a plant with properties known to stimulate dopamine and other neurotransmitters, something to give me a little push away from my depression and lack of energy and physical pain and boiling rage.

But as I said, I wasn’t blazing my mind out like I used to. I used very lightly, eloquently even, if I do say so myself, until I felt my brain wasn’t stressed, until the tension melted from my shoulders and I could take a moment to breathe in nothingness.

mythbusters-weedThere are a lot of misconceptions about this plant. They scare you away from it as a child because they’ve labeled it as a “gateway drug”. They do to marijuana what they do with sex education: twist your mind up about how you shouldn’t do it because it’s “bad”, but then never fully explain the positives of being safe.

That’s changed over the years in sex education in most places. Most. Most isn’t good enough.

But there are benefits of proper cannabis usage. If administered twenty minutes into an Ischemic Stroke (read here), it can dramatically reduce the amount of brain damage. There are some strains being studied that may be helpful in treating psychosis in particular people (a counter-attack to the idea that if you smoke Marijuana you’ll become psychotic or develop Schizophrenia). You can read a little about it here.

Those are two of many things I learned in a very informative biological psychology class I took a year back.

Moderation and proper usage is everything in life.

Will I be doing more today? No. Not until I have a bubbling rage and depression attack as I had the other day. That could be weeks, months . . . another year, perhaps.

Will smoking help your active psychosis? Probably not and for God’s sake do not try it just because you read this. Will smoking prevent you from having a stroke? No one could know that.

bb1760941759467a6dec1dc30793aaaaIs smoking marijuana because your friends do it a proper usage of a highly medicinal plant? No. Is smoking marijuana as a way to escape your life day after day, night after night, a proper usage? NO. Is getting high because it’s “fun” proper usage? Not in my opinion.

People used to live with the land and off the land rather than on the land, and this plant is one of many humans have used for countless numbers of years in countless numbers of ways to help heal their ailments. If I were Marijuana, I’d be offended that they group me into the class of “illegal drug” next to something people made from Sudafed Tablets, fucking battery acid and drain cleaner.

You’ll never catch me doing Meth to help with my mental health or physical health.

I’d like to walk into a doctor’s office and say “doc, I have low energy and high depression; Meth usually helps. Can I get a medical meth card, please?”

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