Another Late Night Ramble

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I want to write a post but yawns of epic proportions keep thwarting me.

It’s 3:32 a.m.

“I thought you were going to start sleeping earlier?”

Shut up; who are you? My mother?

I don’t need your handouts! I’m an ADULT.

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*Crawls into bed with favorite blankie and curls in fetal position*

Anyway, I slept earlier once and then fell back into this devilish pattern of sleeping at sunrise and waking near sunset. I wonder how much this is not helping my mental health.

My insomnia is odder than I am, I think. I’m tired, but I can’t seem to keep my eyes closed for more than a few seconds.

I need the light on and my fan on (for white noise effect), my heater on (for heating purposes) and some kind of noise in the background for the relief of . . . something?

I used to leave my television on all night so when our cable got cut November 2014 I freaked. I pulled out the trusty PS3, popped in an old sponge bob DVD from when I was a child, and played that shit on repeat for months so I could sleep properly. I’m pretty sure if I ever hear his stupid fucking laugh again, I’m going to puke instantly.

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I memorized the whole DVD. Then I had to put in a different one. Eventually I got sick of it and started playing YouTube on my phone at night. That’s when the addiction started.

Now I’ll be on my phone, on my Chromebook, PS4 and on my Desktop all once enjoying the silent company of technology. It relaxes me.

Car rides also relax me. Even if I don’t know you and you give me a ride, if the ride is longer than twenty minutes you can expect me to start dozing off. So there, anyone who wants to kidnap me, that’s the secret.

5078063387_47b3b75e8b_bVacuums however, I fucking hate. They sound like mini-dragons from hell to my ears. To this day in order to vacuum my floor I’ve got to put in earphones to muffle the sound or else my nerves pop off firecrackers.

Remember how I told you when I was six or so, I used to lay in the middle of the door and talk to the cars? Maybe I didn’t tell you. I don’t know.

If you don’t know, now you know.

In my head they had personalities and the body of the car was their expression. I spent hours doing it. I mean hours. My parents would get pissed because I was laying in the middle of the walkway smiling at nothing, saying nothing, and being a general weird ass.

Kids have imaginations and mine sometimes indulged in itself for longer than they liked. It still does. You should have seen me in Walgreens the other day, standing in line staring up at the ceiling completely lost in about four other worlds. The cashier had to yell and wave his hands in front of my face to get me to see he was open. Thank God there was only one other witness.

Anyway, that’s the connection I have with technology. I feel as if they’re real people. They keep me good company too, less-stressful company because they don’t care about the rude jokes and remarks I make and they don’t care if I like or watch something weird or laugh at something disgusting. They have to put up with it because they’re inanimate motherfuckers.

I feel like I see the world differently than the majority of people.

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Like I legitimately think colors look differently to me, people look differently, everything. I stopped and stared at rain drops making patterns in the apartment complex pool for about five minutes tonight because it’s just beautiful to me. I regretted not bringing my camera; I’d sneak over the piece of shit wooden fence and get some close-ups.

It’s a ghetto ass pool. No one is going to give two shits.

But instead I just stared. I love patterns, remember? I stared and I enjoyed it. I star gaze a lot too. That’s much more common though.

I never quite feel like I’m present. That’s probably why I feel like I experience things differently.

It’s not a dissociation–although I used to experience that frequently–it’s more like my head is just someplace else. My brain detaches from my body and floats off into space and I have to keep leaping in my space boots to catch up to it before it goes too far.

I think myself out of this world.

Sometimes it’s all too much. Sometimes I space out. I do it on purpose because I can feel it pressuring the back of my eyes. If some place is too loud and there are too many people and too many colors or I’m just generally anxious, I zone out. I don’t know how else to explain it.

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Blacking out without losing consciousness.

It’s not an uncommon thing, obviously. You know that feeling you get in class when you’re bored out of your fucking mind and you just stare off into the wall not thinking about anything or where you are or the shit load of homework you didn’t do over the weekend? I go into that zone. On purpose, and not because I’m bored.

People think it’s because I’m not enjoying myself while I’m out or because I’m not happy or whatever and they snap their fingers in front of my face and ask if I’m okay and I’m pulled back into this reality like worm from the ground by a crafty bird. And it sucks. I don’t like being interrupted.

That’s like taking food from a dog. It’s just fucked up man. 

Those space out moments are what keep my sanity in tact.

Sometimes I think I’m dreaming and I have to touch things to bring myself back into reality. That gets weird in public too. But it’s easier to hide around “Friends”. I don’t like thinking about that because it’s a major trigger for me. Now, as I type this, my hands don’t look like mine anymore–there’s nothing physically wrong with them, they just don’t look like mine.

It’s happens every time I ask myself if I’m dreaming.

I don’t know man. I’m tired. I’m going to sleep.

4:47 am. It’s better than dawn.

Late Night

I took a forty minute nap yesterday evening because my eyes just couldn’t take it any longer. I woke up at 9pm, stared at my computer for a few more hours, then left to help my boyfriend finish his speech which is going to be given in a few hours. It’s 5:22 am. My eyes still hurt but my leg can’t stop jiggling and I’m so so so ready to study all this afternoon. I’ll probably take a little bit of a nap just to recharge my eyeballs but I don’t think I’ll be needing a lot of sleep. As long as I have my orange juice, I’m good.

I’m addicted to orange juice. Not a joke. I pour in half orange juice, half water, and I sit at my beautifully kept desk:

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and stay busy. I flip through flipboard, I get lost in Amnesia: The Dark Decent, I touch up any of my writing projects, and soon it’ll be where I edit all of my photos. This thing is my entire life, it really is. I feel most comfortable in this little corner in my room than I do anywhere else in the world. My eyes are starting to fail me, I can see all the typos I’m having to go back and fix. Damn eyes. What is there problem? Why can’t they keep up with my brain?

With a 24 inch screen, it’s hard not to get obsessed with this thing. You can’t see in this picture, but at my feet there’s a subwoofer attached to those two little speakers and that’s how I annoy the neighbors. This shit bumps, man; it’s the best 20 bucks I ever spent. It’s got the same quality sub-woofer that’s in my car.

At first, I paid 40 dollars (for the speaker system) but got anal when amazon told me there was a problem with my delivery and that I needed to “contact them”. It didn’t say why or who, just that I needed to contact them. So I started freaking out before I even realized the dumbass company shipping my package tried delivering it on Sunday and sent a huge error through the system. Anyway, before I thought about that, I contacted Paraheem Kareem at Amazon tech services. He assured me I would get my package the day it said I would.  I wasn’t satisfied with that answer when a day later the status of the package still hadn’t been updated. So I contacted them again. I expressed my worry and this guy in India probably didn’t know what the hell was going on, so he just refunded me all my shipping cost. So I basically got half off. It pays to be anal and nice to customer service reps.

That’s how I got my computer for two hundred dollars less than It was originally priced. That computer is the reason for all my frustrations in my Best Buy, You Sneaky Bastard! post. All that anger and worry and panic over this device. Yes, it’s true. But now it’s here and I love it and I’m very satisfied with the product. Windows 10 is a little wonky, and Microsoft STILL OWES ME MY TEN FUCKING DOLLARS but it’s okay.

I’ll get them sooner or later.

They could learn a thing or two from Amazon customer service.

Like hire people in India who don’t understand anything and just give you your money back.

Also, the scariest shit happened tonight. It was about 1 am and my boyfriend and I just got back to his house from picking up snacks at a local CVS 24 hour market. I parked across the street from his house because his driveway only fits two cars. We were walking across the street in the rain and BOOM.

The fucking lights went out. Everywhere. I swear to God some shit was about to pop up out of the sewer or some demons were going to swoop down and drag us to hell. I mean I couldn’t see my feet in front of me, it was that dark.

Then lightening went crazy in the sky far off in the direction of my house, which was kind of weird because most of the sky was relatively clear. It was raining, but it was light and in fits and burst. We could see the starts except for the area with the lightening. The Aliens are here you guys, they’re here. I’ll offer them a cheese platter. Hopefully they like cheese.

I hope whoever got stabbed or shot is alright. If they got killed, I’m even more sorry. I passed by a street with two fire trucks, an ambulance, and six separate cop cars. They blocked the entire road with vehicles, tape, and bodies. Some people from the surrounding complex stood around watching. I couldn’t see exactly what was going on, too many things in the way of my eyes, but usually that amount of manpower calls for a serious crime committed.

Anyway, I have emails to answer and a quick nap to take so my eyes can stop being such little assholes. I also have class in about four hours. Ug. Hopefully the power is all fucked up at my college. They usually cancel morning classes. That would be a dream come true. Everyone cross your fingers for me.

I’ll post something less idiotic and more relevant later.