Truths

The MMJ Journey Pt. 3

 

Is this self-medicating?

I couldn’t give you a straight answer to that.

Because I find myself slipping into that mindset of “magic fix”, although there are no such thing. I find myself wanting to be “medicated” 100% of the time, and that’s my fault because I did buy an Indica strain with THC, mostly to help me sleep. Which it does. It also reminds me how nice being high can be. It’s like an ex-heroin addict taking Narco.

But what’s the difference, really, between this and the other psych meds I were on? Psych meds last 12 hours or so, hence the repeated use in the morning and the night, and no strain of CBD or THC can last that long–as far as I’m aware. It would make “sense” to use it more often throughout the day.

And then, at that point, isn’t the point to self-medicate? Isn’t the point of anti-depressants to medicate your depression away? Isn’t that the point?

41x3yditbxl-_sx322_bo1204203200_Of all the psych meds I’ve tried, they’ve all pretty much done the same thing: made me more numb than usual. A little more numb means, by default, less anxiety, less paranoia, less dissociation, less everything. That’s how you know it’s “working” . . . when you can’t feel anything, really. That doesn’t sound any different than someone in an alley shooting heroin to forget whatever they’re trying to forget.

But once you come out of it, you’re going to remember again. Same goes for anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds, and anti-psychotics. For the overarching majority of us, “symptoms” are still there regardless of whether or not medication is down our throats. For some reason that possibility of “no medication will ever help” is meant to make us feel hopeless or, at the very least, disappointed.

With every medication I’ve tried, I’ve been disappointed, and MMJ is no different, because I have this surreal expectation that one day I will take something, do something, think a certain thought a certain way, and everything will disappear. But life doesn’t work that way.

That’s not an expectation I created myself, it was an expectation a lot of society advocates: you’re having problems with what? Go to the doctor, there’s a pill for that.

So, just like I would your average psych med, let me list the top five pros and cons of this route so far.

Pros:

  1. Sleep comes easy. Raspberry Kush has, by far, been my favorite for this, probably because of the familiarity of it. The strains I used as a teenager were also medical and one of them was that same Kush, due to ties we had with a grower.
  2. More focus. I am able to get some things done with less fatigue and a little more motivation. There are times I feel like my old self again, with a bunch of ideas (good ones, too, ones that are realistic, that I know I can accomplish).
  3. Less thoughts. Thoughts are what keep me up at night, and although nothing can “stop” the thoughts, their effect on me is severely diminished. On nights when insomnia is horrible, that helps a lot.
  4. Less fog. You would think “getting high” would put you in a fog, and it will if you’re a legit stoner. But for me, it lifts away that fog and lets me see things a little clearer. I don’t have thoughts crashing into each other, I have a few organized ones that I can take the time to enjoy.
  5. The present. With Sativa, I’m in the present and not the future or the past or whatever other parallel universe I get transported to.

Cons:

  1. Dependence. I do depend on certain strains to sleep or make it through the day. This is conflicting: people depend on other meds to do the same thing, but I hate dependence regardless of where or why. I’m working on this.
  2. Paranoia. Mmm, I . . . hmm. This could cause trouble. If you experience this yourself, you know you can feel it coming. At least, I can. I can feel the interjection of some thoughts here and there or that ethereal sense of being watched, tracked, listened to. I feel there’s someone who has been tracking my computer, or my profiles, maybe my IP address, because weird shit keeps happening on a few of them by people with different usernames, but they all do/say the same thing. That doesn’t keep me awake at night, but the spiritual things are, the demons–maybe I’ll explain this later. Also because I’m pretty sure a spirit just went into my poster. Which is probably why I had such a strong feeling to buy it when I did. Cool. Glad I’m not sleeping HERE tonight.
  3. I know absolutely that Indica makes me hear shit, more often than I usually would. It’s annoying, but since I don’t use much of it and only for sleep, I’m not too bothered. I only deal with whatever I deal with for a few minutes and then I’m passed out. I wake up very refreshed.
  4. It’s not very discrete. If you’re someone who smokes it, the smell will linger in your clothes and such if you’re not one to air out your room. I’m not one of those people who will go to work or class baked out of my mind just because it’s medical and “I can”. That’s just being an asshole. If I’m going to work, I will use CBD because I will be alert, focused, and calm but not high. “10/10 best medicine ever”–IGN.
  5. Can easily get expensive. Medi-Cal ain’t covering this, I spent $93 on my last haul, which is nothing really.

It was harder to come up with cons than pros, probably because I’m tripping on this poster. You don’t understand. I was pulled towards this poster when I bought it, and then all this weird shit is happening, my phone call was interrupted with static and what sounded like a bunch of voices or demonic something. My boyfriend on the phone heard it too. I’m thinking maybe a radio interruption? I don’t know, we couldn’t hear each other through the phone. He had to hang up and I called back. At any rate, I’m feeling right now there are a lot of secrets in this poster, I . . .

. . . need to stop talking and get ready for work. I also need to pull my mind away from all that before I drive myself crazy some more.

Conclusion? Be careful with Sativa, CBD or THC, and know your limits. Be careful with high content THC Indica as well. Be careful with high content THC anything. 

*NOTE: I’ve had waaay worse psychological experiences on psych meds. This is NOTHING compared to how Effexor fucked me up Effexor was pure shit. It had me feeling focused with some energy until I wanted to come off it and got sucked into some demonic hell. It was worse than an anti-psychotic withdrawal, I swear to God, and that was only after . . . three months? Three months. That’s it. Fuck Effexor. How is that shit legal?

About AlishiaDee (372 Articles)
Alishia D. is a blogger, a beginning novelist, and a counselor at 2nd Story Peer Respite house where diagnostic labels and the culture of mental health is long forgotten. She's a mental health peer who has bounced through as many labels as she has doctors, and enjoys being sarcastic when she can. She also hates writing in 3rd person.

1 Comment on The MMJ Journey Pt. 3

  1. Hiya…ok, just a few quick thoughts, first I do the same shit, unfortunately I don’t have a medical card for weed in NY. They have some kind of med. cannabis law in my state, but I’m not sure if it’s up and running, and I feel really weird about asking my doctor for a script for weed… I don’t know, I guess it’s the stigma associated with being a pothead, lol. But I’ve been self medicating myself for decades, sometimes not with good results, addiction is a bitch I never thought would bite me, but it did kinda late in life and it was a bitch for real to quit. Actually ended up being hospitalized (in an attempt to be honest, I told them about my coke habit… BIG MISTAKE…I was labeled thereafter) for about a week. Turned out my blood sugar was extremely high, like over 600 (I guess that’s pretty high) and they asked me how long I was a diabetic? Told them no shit, didn’t know I was one. Well, I gave up my everyday coke habit, and ended up trading for a everyday pot habit. I figured it was lot better than before so…and it really did legitimately help me with withdrawal symptoms, anxiety, depression and serious physical pain I was having from a GI issue that developed shortly after I got out of the hospital. I thought I caught some shit in the hospital, or they infected me when the shoved a fucking tube down my throat via my nose to pump out my stomach. OK I lied, this wasn’t a quick thought, it turned into a rambling one, probably because I’m high right now…haha, wait I need another bong hit, ok that’s better. now what the fuck was I talking about, oh ya medical marijuana Anyway weed has helped me more than not, sure I over do it right now…but I did have legit reasons for doing so. Turns out the doctors prescribed me a diabetes med. twice a day, that actually was making me sick every month, to the point of me going to the ER like 2-4 times a month, and being admitted at least once a month. This shit went on for a few years, it was hell and weed was my only brief relief. Of course the fucking doctors in their genius sent me for every test possible to only find nothing definitive the could say was causing my illness and pain. It wasn’t until just recently that I discovered by reading about adverse affects of metformin, that many of my symptoms were identical. So I stopped taking it and so far so good, no real bad episodes like I use to have. I wish I could sue the fucking doctors for all the years I was sick…shit I should get something for my pain and suffering. it was there fucking negligence in not even thinking about my meds being the cause. God forbid they should mess with their prescription quotas, by questioning the meds they prescribe on a routine basis. Ok, I’m gonna rap, no not rap, wrap… I’m going to wrap this up by saying I wish I had your drive to educate myself about the different strains of weed and CBD that are out there, but by reading you perhaps I am being educated, so thanks for that! Oh, and don’t beat yourself up too much about over indulging, we all do what we must to get through what can be a real shitty life at times… a lot do much worse with alcohol and harder drugs, so don’t begrudge yourself a little escape time, even if it’s all the time for now. give yourself permission to do what feels right for you. when it stops feeling right, than change it, until than enjoy, and pass that blunt my friend! 😉

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