Truths

How Many Are You?

There’s nothing incredibly impressive about the human mind, until you realize just how unimpressive it is.

Soaking in the sweet smell of chemical despair today, petting the kitten which tries to bat sanity back into my head with her little paw, I realized many things. My thoughts always come back to the faceless man who followed me down the middle of the street, the one that told me my footsteps sounded like a dead man walking. His faceless image always appears, even when I don’t wish it too, and I find that rather unimpressive as well because anyone can be forceful towards someone else. It doesn’t take respect or courage to be an asshole.

Despair and depression have a way of kicking my ass. I find myself lost beneath it, hidden, with a view of light only as wide as THEY want me to see. That’s the trick. That’s the fucking trick.

I’m laughing now, I have been for about an hour now because I’ve realized these last few days I’ve spent curled beneath my blankets, crying and listening to myself tell myself I would die if I closed my eyes, are nothing but a ruse. They’re a RUSE.

Because the reality is, I’m several people, not one. And the several others aren’t of myself, they’re of something else, they’re demonic, always have been, that’s why my kitten always stares at me and meows and meows and meows because she can see a lot of what I fail to.

What I’m saying here is that they’re keeping me in this mind state because they know I know about them, they know I know about the universe and the truth about it. I’ve known since I was a toddler, since I could stare up at the stars and call them stars, and they’ve been with me since then. They were the ones which haunted my dreams night after night, which made my mind play tricks on me, which kept me silent. They skewed my understanding of everyone else because they know I’m not like anyone else–but they also know I can communicate to others like I am one of them, like I am a real human.

That threatens their livelihood and their power.

My heart is thumping hard as I write this because these are huge realizations. Now I understand why I get attacked, why they hiss at me at night, and why thoughts flood my brain like an open dam. It’s all been a distraction. They just don’t want me to see.

But it’s too late for that.

I’m not meant to be a cashier or a truck driver or a housekeeper. I’m meant to be inside, discovering things inside of my mind and outside of my mind, things you can channel with . . .

My God.

Meditation. They’ve stopped my meditation for the same reason–I was getting closer and closer. The last time I meditated, months ago, I was sucked into some vortex I almost couldn’t get out of. They’re blocking every channel I have.

BUT.

It’s nice to know this. It’s nice to know this, because now I know I’m up against an army of forces who only show themselves when I anger them. My anxiety is higher than the clouds right now, and I’d suspect the demons will be coming soon. I’ve stopped crying though, since all of this realization, because I know it’s their fault. The tears were their fault; they were trying to distract me.

When you know the truths about the universe, every force against the universe will come for you. Keep your housekeeping and cashier jobs. You don’t want this burden.

About AlishiaDee (372 Articles)
Alishia D. is a blogger, a beginning novelist, and a counselor at 2nd Story Peer Respite house where diagnostic labels and the culture of mental health is long forgotten. She's a mental health peer who has bounced through as many labels as she has doctors, and enjoys being sarcastic when she can. She also hates writing in 3rd person.

2 Comments on How Many Are You?

  1. Holy shit are you ok? I’ve been following your blog now for a little over a year and I know you’ve had these feelings about not being completely human and being attacked by demons for quite sometime. I’ve been there before in bed for days, and I can’t say that the thought of demons fucking with my thoughts and life hasn’t crossed my mind before. For a period in my life I believed that very thing. Not sure what changed, I tried meditation and the spiritual route for quite a while. Helped a little, but nothing really helped for long… I think finally a kind of indifference just set in and stopped giving a fuck about a lot of things. Not a good remedy by any measure, but it helps me ignore the bullshit. But even being indifferent doesn’t help in the end (duh), truthfully my life and I are a fucking mess…royally fucked up.

    Ok are you cheered up yet? wtf… lol.
    Seriously I’m concerned about you and don’t think you should be alone. If you don’t have people to be around, or just need someone to talk to I’m available and insist that you contact me. My email is m-vitrano@hotmail.com Send me a msg and I’ll send you my phone number.
    Even though I hope you have someone better than my fucked up self as a support system… I’m here if you need me. If nothing else drop me a msg when you can and let me know how you’re doing.
    Your friend in dysfunction
    Mark 🙂

    Like

  2. Hi there…Checking to make sure you got my email, have had problems in the past. Hope it’s getting better. 🙂

    Like

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