Truths

Counting Sheep

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Warning! Warning! On coming rant! Buckle your seatbelts, kiddos, I haven’t done one of these in a long time and my blood is just boiling for one.

Firstly.

FIRSTLY.

Everyone has their own opinion on the subject I’m about to speak on. I will say this forthright: I don’t care which side you are on. I don’t care if you agree with anything I say, or anything this other person has said. You know what you prefer, I know what I prefer. If you would like to argue with me about it, send an email to dontsendmeafuckingemail@gmail.com.

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SECONDLY.

Yes, I am on an SNRI. No, this does not make me a hypocrite about what I’m about to say, and I’ll explain why in a moment.

So tonight, I had a conversation with someone that really, really shoved a metal pipe up my ass.

I was speaking to someone who is studying psychology. When I said I was studying psychiatry, they said psychiatry was too hard for them. I don’t know what that means. They probably can’t do math. They also can’t think, judging by the conversation we had. A lot of their life must be “too hard”.

I started speaking about some recent things I’ve been going through, not including how I’ve sprained a tendon in my wrist and was literally dying for four days, and I happened to mention the list of medication that psychiatrist tried putting me on (Effexor, Seroquel, Propanol, Ativan, Praoxin). I mentioned how I chose only effexor and told the psychiatrist to fuck off with the rest.

This chick has the audacity to ignore everything I said about how much I struggle socially, and say “well, why don’t you just get on what she suggested though?”

*Bitch Face Ignited*

I explained that for me, medication isn’t something I can consciously eat like food. I just prefer to find alternatives. I explained that they are not built for long term use, that they go through 8 week trials of a couple hundred people, sometimes less. I said I had nothing against medication, as she mentioned she also takes medication, but that I feel they are often overused.

Her response? “Don’t over use them, then.”

My response?

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Realizing perhaps I wasn’t clear enough, or perhaps she had some medication stuck in her ears, I said “I mean they’re over-prescribed.” I told her about where I work and about how we accept all world views. I told her I’m someone who often experiences odd things, and that I’ve gotten along just fine without medication, as have many people do. I made the mistake of mentioning that chemical imbalance is just a theory that’s hardly got enough evidence to consider proof.

She replied with “aw, but it is proven though.”

Motherfucker, are you this fucking dumb? Are you? Have you never read a fucking research paper in your life? Is your brain a potato? There are countless numbers of studies supporting the complete publication bias scandals between the pharmaceutical companies and the research companies out of places like Harvard, Stanford, and several other universities. I’ve read studies of research companies being caught hiding the fact that they found absolutely no correlation between their medication and the “imbalance” they claimed existed when, in fact it didn’t. Many articles written by professors also expose things on the inside. Have you not heard of homeostasis?

Do you know how many days I spent as a fifteen year old forcing the people I knew in college to give me access to the online research and archive databases so I could get a hold of these scientific journals? Do you know how many hours I spent reading them? More hours than I spent doing my high school homework, that’s for damn sure.

Here, here, I’ll break it down for you honey, my honey bunches of shut the fuck up.

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Say you have a brain with more serotonin in the synapse than the brain next to that person. Say that person with more serotonin often experiences more anxiety than the brain next to them.

Companies call this an “imbalance” so they can say this medication “balances” you. Unfortunately, what’s perceived as an “imbalance” is entirely relative to what you’re comparing it to and every human brain is like a fingerprint. What does that mean? It means you’re comparing it to levels and behavior that vary per person. Anyone who has ever been any level of scientific or logical in their life should understand you can’t compare something to something else if that something else isn’t a consistent control.

Unfortunately, correlation is not causation–what does that mean? It means just because you have anxiety doesn’t mean your levels of serotonin are high. It means just because your serotonin levels are high, doesn’t mean you experience anxiety. And if anyone ever tries to tell you there is definitive proof for either, punch them in the throat.

The real imbalance comes when you try getting off the bullshit and you get brain zaps and hallucinations and fatigue and nausea and tremors as your brain tries to adjust back to its NORMAL levels. That’s often almost unbearable if you’re on several medications and what happens? You get STUCK on them. 

It’s ironic a simple thought can dramatically change the level of chemicals in your brain just as easily.

I lied. It’s not ironic. It’s fucking obvious.

I wasn’t this rude to this person, although I wanted to be. I said in my opinion medication isn’t what’s best for me, not when they’re meant to fix something that doesn’t need fixing. Her response was: “Some are placebos, not all. Why don’t you just try the medication and see how it goes?” That was her response over and over again. “Just try the medication, just try the medication, I’m just trying to help you.”

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At this point I’m laughing like Satan because this bitch is clueless to anything I’m saying. I have a right to my choice to NOT go on fifty different medication for something I believe isn’t necessary. I’m not a lab rat. If she wants to be one, that’s fine. I could give two flying fucks if she eats Prozac for breakfast, Haldol for lunch, and Seroquel for dinner with some Lexapro and Lithium for snacks. It’s probably a deadly combination, but her doctor recommended it, so that’s what she should do, RIGHT?

Fucking sheep. Some people are such fucking sheep.

If you feel the medication helps you, by all means, I support you 100%. If you feel differently, hey, guess what? I support you 100%. You know why? Because YOU know YOU better than I know YOU.

The real reason I got angry isn’t because she doesn’t believe as I do. I got angry because she kept ignoring what I was saying and pressuring me to take something I stated multiple times I didn’t feel was best for me. She judged me on the condition she felt I was in (I should have never mentioned antipsychotics), rather than listening to the words I was saying. And THIS, my friends, is what you FUCKING learn when you get into this industry.

You learn that if someone is non-compliant with advice, they have a problem.

You learn that medication is a first resort. 

You learn that alternatives are for the “delusional” and the “stubborn”.

And when I said, “hey, you know honestly, I’m getting offended by the way you keep ignoring what I’m saying and just telling me to take medication when I’ve stated I don’t feel it’s best for me”.

Her response?

“I understand.”

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No bitch, You don’t “understand”. You fucking apologize is what you do. Holly Christ, if someone like me, someone as bad at social interaction as I am, is telling you how to respond to someone, you are incompetent. A deadly level of incompetent.

And thus I ended the conversation. I don’t care if she never reads the research and cases like I have. I don’t care if she endorses medication for the rest of her life. I care that she’s going into counseling and psychology and all she did the entire time was judge my beliefs because I didn’t agree with a licensed professional, because I’m the “sick” one that needs help, right?

I have a fucking headache.

About AlishiaDee (372 Articles)
Alishia D. is a blogger, a beginning novelist, and a counselor at 2nd Story Peer Respite house where diagnostic labels and the culture of mental health is long forgotten. She's a mental health peer who has bounced through as many labels as she has doctors, and enjoys being sarcastic when she can. She also hates writing in 3rd person.

2 Comments on Counting Sheep

  1. You are not entitled to your opinion. Everyone is entitled to an informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant.

    Her complete inability to entertain your perspective as a possibility, not saying she has to agree with it, but to entertain and appreciate it on a basic level, should not be some far flung hope, surely.

    Liked by 1 person

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