Hell Is A Whirlpool

Warning: Partially Nonsensical rant coming. I should make a partially nonsensical page on my blog to separate it from the sensical things. Hmm.

Businessman with worried expression

It’s five in the morning and I just arrived home. Stress is by far my greatest nemesis.

I am someone who thinks very quickly, constantly, naturally. Contrary to what some people believe, that does not make me smart. I don’t know where the notion comes from: oh she’s a quick thinker, she must be Einstein.

wtf

If I were Einstein, I wouldn’t struggle with math as much. And oh boy do I struggle with math. Although I’m one to pay attention to detail, because my head is constantly full to the brim with things to think about (things to do, things I could do, questions about reality, questions about non-reality, things I could make, build, extort, things I could become famous from but probably never will but that doesn’t stop me from obsessing over it, e.t.c), the small parts of math like the addition of a fraction in the middle of an integral for a work function gets thrown out the window.

It’s plagued me since I was in elementary school. It takes me longer to process math than any other subject, and I’ve noticed as I take tests and do homework, my mind gets lost in the sea of other brilliant/not so brilliant/ mildly psychotic thoughts and when I look at my answer and the back of the book and yank my hair out because the answer is wrong, it takes me another half an hour to notice I wrote “1/2” instead of “1/12” or I subtracted where I should have added.

It sounds minor, but it costs me a lot of points on tests constantly. In high school my teacher always shook his head at my tests and said “it’s always the tiny stuff with you.”

And it is. It is the tiny stuff with me. Thanks for pointing it out and never helping me come to a solution for it.

I won’t talk bad about him, he was one of the best teachers I had and the last I heard he fell into a really, really, dark depression after his wife left him.

When stress hits, my thoughts that already go 300 mph hit the speed of sound and all around my brain I have these little sound barrier breaks like this:

jet-fighters-war-planes-backgrounds

If you know anything about physics or sound, or if you’ve seen one of these guys live or on YouTube, you’ll know you see the plane whizz past and hear the boom just a second or so later.

Imagine one thousand of those things passing over your house in different directions, consistently.

In this metaphor, in case you’re wondering, the physical plane represents one thought, and the boom represents my consciousness of it. I feel I’m always a split second behind my brain. It’s got so many things I want to do, so many things I need to do, so many things I probably should do but aren’t, so many things I probably shouldn’t do and still aren’t, so many real things, so many imaginary things, so many imaginary things that could be real and visa-versa.

I got a brain scan and through some improved technology, they managed to take a picture of the physical thoughts in my head. They were partying:

a177f2fc25953306645861b562d7cd5ff8d98678318c83b67607dd4963d06ef7

As you can imagine, my memory is both shit and brilliant at the same time. To hold all these thoughts and ideas takes an incredibly amount of attention and as a result, my attention suffers. It’s a cruel world.

As you can imagine with my natural state being full of thoughts, with anxiety making my thoughts more obsessive, and stress making them quicker, I can’t sleep for shit.

As you can imagine, with all the above, I can’t relax.

And as a result, I shut down. Physically and mentally.I am currently in the middle of a shut down. Even the smallest thing, like handing a paper to my professor, becomes a monumental task I sit in my room and obsess over and somehow my brain convinces us it’s worse than climbing out of a trench in the middle of a war.

I also talk to myself a lot more often during this period with a tendency to twitch and/or smack myself. It’s not something I can really control, it all just happens, and I look crazy in the store: another reason I hate going places.

I. Am. Tired.

I don’t know why I’m still writing.

wtf-is-wrong-with-you-620x350

I get a little break from it all with marijuana. I think I’ve said this before, but I don’t smoke often anymore, only when I feel I need to, and often it helps me sit down and realize I need to do one thing at a time and not beat myself up over tiny fucking shit.

It’s funny the progression of everything though. Smoking, I can sense a difference in the way my thoughts are formed; they’re a little more linear, they don’t slam into each other, and often I can go a full stretch of time without feeling overwhelmed by thoughts or suspicions or paranoia or even anxiety.

The anxiety deficit requires more than a few bowls though, which usually results in that very obvious “high” look and sound. If I’m not careful, I fall over the rim of normal marijuana high into the “people are in the bushes, keep watch” marijuana high, and that kind of high is some straight bullshit. That’s not fun, that’s the exact opposite of what I want when I’m high.

That didn’t start happening until two or three years ago. It’s a reason I cut down drastically.

And I can feel the high wear off when the first thought slams into the next. Then I’m thrust back into a whirlpool of hell in my head.

That’s where I sit right now.

My playlist tonight you ask?

That’s not my whole playlist.

But those were the last four songs I listened to.

Going to another Tech Concert in eighteen days, anticipating the new album 12/9/16. What a wonderful way to say farewell to 2016.

In case you were wondering, I’ve been a Tech N9ne fan since I was ten years old; so eleven years ago.

I’ve also been a Korn fan since I was 10 years old. They have a new album dropping October 21st if anyone was wondering.

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In case you’re thinking “Jesus, what kind of ten year old was she?” (the answer is an awesome one), I also listened to the fucking Cheetah Girls, so you know, go figure man.

the_cheetah_girls_soundtrack

 

 

 

 

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8 thoughts on “Hell Is A Whirlpool

  1. yourenotaloneinthisworld

    Haha I seen the cheetah girls live when I was like 11! Where are you going to a tech concert at?! My girl promised me shed go to one with me but I can NEVER find one close to Maryland!! Lucky lucky you! Also, I feel you on the shit memory but good memory. I think the voices and anxiety makes me think so much that there’s hardly any room for memories. Lol sucks tho. I couldn’t imagine being in college with my head this way, two for you glen coco!!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. alucardeverlasting Post author

      Hahaha OMG 10 year old me would have been soooo jealous XD!!! Tech comes to the small hometown club we have here! He used to come twice a year, but since Strange blew up he only comes once…but this year he’s come back twice again. I think our club has always given him sold out shows even before he was big and he always says Santa Cruz is one of his favorite places to play. So I’m hoping that means he will always come here lmfao. I hope he goes to one near you and your girl though!!!I’m surprised he doesn’t frequent over there!! And yessssssss, I feel you, it sucks! I think my brain is still wondering how im still in college. College is wondering how im still in college lmfaaaoo.

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply
      1. yourenotaloneinthisworld

        Ahhh Santa Cruz, that explains why you see him a lot! Nah, I’ve looked at all his tours and he doesn’t come near Maryland, not even DC cause that’s driving distance, ya kno? but i seriously hope he does soon! Its prob because Tech is not a big “rapper” over where I’m from. My fiance isn’t a big fan of his but said she would much rather go to a Tech concert than a place like Warped Tour (I took her to a Bronco game, my turn to pick) lol. but lmfao you got the college thing down apparently!!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. alucardeverlasting Post author

        Ohhhh yeah makes sense, but sucks. One time I’ll spend the 175 on the VIP passes and ask him to go to Maryland XD . Because I’m that cool that he’ll totally listen to me XD #sarcasm. Ahaha yesss, your fiance knows where it’s at then! XD. Yeah college is like “you’re a procrastinator, you never finish your work, but somehow your GPA is good, come join the honor society” lmfaooooo.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. idontscream

    Ali I love your fangirl side, I feel like I’m seeing the wild you hahahah. I’m gonna check Tech you captured my attention, I have not much experience with rap but never is too late right? By the way, I don’t know if you can do this but do you have any advices for studying in college with anxiety level: blocked brain?

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. alucardeverlasting Post author

      Hahaha thanks! Come with me to a Tech concert and you’ll see the real wild side XD. And oh awesome! He mixes rock/metal and rap a lot, does some stuff with Slipknot, and his raps aren’t as . . . hmm “dumb” as someone like, say, Fetty Wap or whatever XD. And I will have to think about some advice about that while I wash my car today (that’s my thinking place lol) and maybe I’ll do a post on it if I come up with anything 😀

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      1. idontscream

        I like Slipknot, that’s a good start point, Lol Fetty Wap, I like Drake Al don’t kill me. If I can go to see at least Taylor Swift I’ll do it, nobody comes here lmao. *w* Thank you, you purple flower.

        Liked by 1 person

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