Rambles oh Rambles

Apologies for the absence.

I thought I would drop by for a moment and reassure all of you adoring people that yes, I am indeed still alive. Fascinating, am I right?

As of now, I’ve been awake well over 24 hours. I’ve been doing night shifts and when I came home this morning, I realized I could not sleep. My head is buzzing and my anxiety levels have been a little high.

I’ve got no financial aid this semester.

I’ve come to a lot of social realizations from working so much lately, and I’ve learned so much more about my sensory issues and my sensitivity towards “stress”. I’ve learned what one person might not find overwhelming, I ultimately fall in a heap and cry over. I’ve had to suck it up many, many times already. Over simple things. And I’ll sit there like, “well, fuck” waiting for the tearing sensation to pass.

At this point in my life, I don’t feel I’m able to transfer right now. I don’t feel I could handle working very often during the week because I become neglectful and stressed and as a result dissociate and fall dead silent. Not on purpose, but for a list of reasons I don’t always have control over.


At this point in time I have a very generalized understanding of what could be going on. So I’ve decided to take the path of getting a complete diagnosis. At this point I have a bunch scattered around and never really “confirmed” I’ll be spending some well earned money on this, so it better not be a waste of my fucking time. If it is, I’ll kick the psychiatrist in her non-existent balls.

Can I say that to her without getting deemed “anti-social personality”?

There are only two psychiatrists who do full evaluations in my town and one charges 400 dollars per session because she went to “Stanford”.

Bitch please, I went to Stanford in high school for a college prep program, that doesn’t make my advice better than anyone else’s.

Remember all you college-aged, determined, young, bright souls. It doesn’t matter the degree or where you receive it, it’s how you use it.

So anyhow, things have been up and down and at this point I prefer insufferable insomnia over a midnight trip to the ER to some condescending doctors who seem to think Panic Attacks are something to get a good chuckle about. If I was screaming “stop taking my ribs, they’re taking my fucking ribs!!!!” like one man was one night across from my room while nurses were scrambling to find their miracle Haldol, I bet they’d take me seriously.

Or possibly tackle me and break my arm then when I’m lucid say “oops, you fell”.

I don’t know. I just don’t like being laughed at and accused of doing Meth three times in a row.

dysfunctionI believe I am one of the “dysfunctional functionals”, only because I try so hard, only because I dissociate so well. But dissociation can’t happen at this job, when someone is struggling on the phone or in the house, you need to be aware of what’s going on.

Peer Respite in itself is genius. I plan on always staying in contact with this house, I’ll always come back for a visit, and the principals I’ve learned from these people are something I will integrate completely in my practice. If I won the lottery…damn, they would be one of my first charity stops.

I know I appear rude and disconnected to people, or fake even, and I don’t necessarily know why. But I do know that my passion and feelings are not fake or rude or aloof. They just aren’t expressed to the extent I suppose people would like to see.

Right now I need a break. I need to stop moving so quickly. University will come. My Medical degree will come. And one day maybe I will be able to work steadily like other people. But right now, I’m only 21. I’m barely coming into my adult brain, it’s barely putting on the finishing touches.

Right now, I need to lower my stress before it drives me off an edge somewhere. I refuse to quit this position, but I need to have a serious discussion about possible accommodations.

Day shifts are much too hectic for me. People coming in and out, phone calls, interviews…some of it is my anxiety making something into nothing. The other part of it is my sensory issues, my hypersensitivity…it prevents me from doing a lot. I can’t keep a conversation if even I hear the rustle of papers around me.

It feels like my brain gets stretched in the direction of every noise it hears.

I feel my coworkers are many years older than me…on medication perhaps as well…and have been through the majority of their storm while I’ve just made the left turn into the beginning of mine.

I don’t want to feel like I’m avoiding things. But I have to remind myself taking on everything at once without any way of coping or managing things is just setting myself up for disaster.

Sometimes “pushing through” isn’t the right thing to do. Sometimes slow steps are better. And that’s okay.




10 thoughts on “Rambles oh Rambles”

  1. I’m glad to see you around as well, I miss you blog. It seems like we took a ‘break’ at the same time. So sorry for not responding, we were having interesting conversations but as you may know, life happens. But once again I come here looking for a little of fun, I love talking with you and reading your opinions about mental health. Recently I’ve been worst and better, in and out of my own disorders in a way of speaking, which made me stay away from media and mental health communities. I realized some people, and even I at some point, stick myself to the label ‘mentally ill’, and in that moment I felt like I wasn’t alone and it gave me a certain security?, it wasn’t even a belonging feeling because I’m pretty sure to feel you belong you have to set a connection with a group or something and that’s too complex and beyond my social anxiety at this time in my life; what I mean is feeling mentally ill what’s that? I think seeing myself in that way made me ignore the world, like I know we can’t say someone with depression is being lazy, they are not using their illness as an excuse for not having motivation, but we can actually use our illnesses or whatever our brains are, I’m sick of that word ‘illness’, god, what I’m trying to say is we can lose ourselves inside that label. We can lose ourselves in the constant reminder: ‘I’m feeling bad’.

    Aside everything above, oh god this comment is so long haha, this person liked one of my post https://ordinarymadnessblog.wordpress.com/ so I checked them out. They are a therapist I think (basically a devil’s blog lmao), they like to talk about Freud shit and omg they were talking about if really people are disordered or humans are unhappy for nature, I don’t know…. I feel like with everything I’ve been thinking about what it means to suffer and having a disorder I don’t know if to be agree with what this person is saying, which they have a good points in there, but you know…. is a therapist word, what the fuck they know? Don’t you love contradictions? Humans, we are full of it. See you (:

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey, no worries about the responding, I know how it gets sometimes. Yeah I think you bring up a great point, in falling under the label we are able to connect with people who understand how we perceive life. I think that’s what’s so great about the peer support movement. And that you bring up another good point about also losing the self under the umbrella term “illness”. I always say mental health struggle because I feel like while we all struggle, I see it as a huge disconnect between our brain and our conscious self, that perhaps ” disorders” are instead a way of our brain interpretation and handling situations and we’re just not on sync with that style. So instead of taking the time to understand it, we fight it and call it “bad”. But you know the funny thing is your brain is always at a certain homeostasis. Even when someone says they feel (mentally) sick, that is the balance of their brain. It’s not an imbalance you know? And a lot of the times things like medication can make us functional and yet at the same time it’s fighting everyday against our brain. Thats why people feel so weird on and off them. Your brain is constantly trying to readjust itself and say wtf are you doing, I was balanced before! So I feel like there’s a major disconnect. I dont have anything against using medication, I have myself, but I think how much the medical community in mental health relies on it sometimes is a testament to how disconnected we are from ourselves. At any rate, as always thanks for the comment and I’ll have to check out that blog you linked too, it sounds…interesting hahaha. Perhaps it will inspire something sarcastic and witty from me. 🙂 hope your doing well.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I bet you will hahah!! I hope your appoinment with the psychiatrist you wrote about goes well and you don’t waste your money, Stanford sounds like you can a have a little hope. Rooting for you!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Jesuschrist, that’s a lot of time! Well you have time to make your mind clear as possible about what you want from her, I guess that’s positive. Do you find more appealing a woman as your psychiatrist? I literally am scared of a guy being my whatever related to my mental health.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Thats true. And to save up money to pay her ass. For me it’s honestly easier for me to talk to men for whatever reason. But that option wasn’t available as there are only two available in my area, both women. I always feel like I have to present myself a certain “put together” way to women to avoid judgement whereas with men I could be sloppy af because I don’t care whether they see me as put together. I’ve always encountered so much drama Over looks and attitude with women it’s really scarred me lol.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I get the last part tho, womans tend to be competitive between in each other for no reason. You can get a bad look on the street from a girl without knowing her just because you are a girl… like her. Human weird cultural behaviour, tell me about it.


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