Apologies for the absence.
I thought I would drop by for a moment and reassure all of you adoring people that yes, I am indeed still alive. Fascinating, am I right?
As of now, I’ve been awake well over 24 hours. I’ve been doing night shifts and when I came home this morning, I realized I could not sleep. My head is buzzing and my anxiety levels have been a little high.
I’ve got no financial aid this semester.
I’ve come to a lot of social realizations from working so much lately, and I’ve learned so much more about my sensory issues and my sensitivity towards “stress”. I’ve learned what one person might not find overwhelming, I ultimately fall in a heap and cry over. I’ve had to suck it up many, many times already. Over simple things. And I’ll sit there like, “well, fuck” waiting for the tearing sensation to pass.
At this point in my life, I don’t feel I’m able to transfer right now. I don’t feel I could handle working very often during the week because I become neglectful and stressed and as a result dissociate and fall dead silent. Not on purpose, but for a list of reasons I don’t always have control over.
At this point in time I have a very generalized understanding of what could be going on. So I’ve decided to take the path of getting a complete diagnosis. At this point I have a bunch scattered around and never really “confirmed” I’ll be spending some well earned money on this, so it better not be a waste of my fucking time. If it is, I’ll kick the psychiatrist in her non-existent balls.
Can I say that to her without getting deemed “anti-social personality”?
There are only two psychiatrists who do full evaluations in my town and one charges 400 dollars per session because she went to “Stanford”.
Bitch please, I went to Stanford in high school for a college prep program, that doesn’t make my advice better than anyone else’s.
Remember all you college-aged, determined, young, bright souls. It doesn’t matter the degree or where you receive it, it’s how you use it.
So anyhow, things have been up and down and at this point I prefer insufferable insomnia over a midnight trip to the ER to some condescending doctors who seem to think Panic Attacks are something to get a good chuckle about. If I was screaming “stop taking my ribs, they’re taking my fucking ribs!!!!” like one man was one night across from my room while nurses were scrambling to find their miracle Haldol, I bet they’d take me seriously.
Or possibly tackle me and break my arm then when I’m lucid say “oops, you fell”.
I don’t know. I just don’t like being laughed at and accused of doing Meth three times in a row.
I believe I am one of the “dysfunctional functionals”, only because I try so hard, only because I dissociate so well. But dissociation can’t happen at this job, when someone is struggling on the phone or in the house, you need to be aware of what’s going on.
Peer Respite in itself is genius. I plan on always staying in contact with this house, I’ll always come back for a visit, and the principals I’ve learned from these people are something I will integrate completely in my practice. If I won the lottery…damn, they would be one of my first charity stops.
I know I appear rude and disconnected to people, or fake even, and I don’t necessarily know why. But I do know that my passion and feelings are not fake or rude or aloof. They just aren’t expressed to the extent I suppose people would like to see.
Right now I need a break. I need to stop moving so quickly. University will come. My Medical degree will come. And one day maybe I will be able to work steadily like other people. But right now, I’m only 21. I’m barely coming into my adult brain, it’s barely putting on the finishing touches.
Right now, I need to lower my stress before it drives me off an edge somewhere. I refuse to quit this position, but I need to have a serious discussion about possible accommodations.
Day shifts are much too hectic for me. People coming in and out, phone calls, interviews…some of it is my anxiety making something into nothing. The other part of it is my sensory issues, my hypersensitivity…it prevents me from doing a lot. I can’t keep a conversation if even I hear the rustle of papers around me.
It feels like my brain gets stretched in the direction of every noise it hears.
I feel my coworkers are many years older than me…on medication perhaps as well…and have been through the majority of their storm while I’ve just made the left turn into the beginning of mine.
I don’t want to feel like I’m avoiding things. But I have to remind myself taking on everything at once without any way of coping or managing things is just setting myself up for disaster.
Sometimes “pushing through” isn’t the right thing to do. Sometimes slow steps are better. And that’s okay.