I’m not an open person. I have been trying to be an open person for the majority of my short life.
I must be missing something. I’m not understanding the algorithm (I can’t tell a derivative from my ass with the amount of time I’ve been out of math) or I’m missing the software to conceptualize and understand the process.
The possibility of not being encouraged or praised for ideas as a child was thrown out in the air for a reason why I don’t speak up when I have something to say. That’s all fine and dandy, but I feel I lack a connection to the rest of the world. I feel distanced. Not dissociated, but distanced. As if there is a glass wall separating me from the remainder of the human race.
I have empathy. I can relate to people’s pain, I share in people’s pain, and it hurts me when others are in pain. But to connect with someone on a human level, on a personal level, without focusing only on their pain but to then also focus on mine . . .
I’m still struggling with that.
To have a simple conversation . . . that’s a whole other algorithm. How do you do it? When do you know what to say? When do you butt in? How do you not misinterpret their facial expressions or their tone of voice? All I hear are malicious things, mocking, deceit, half-truths, people saying things just to appease me.
Even in an environment where I’ve been told I’m completely supported, I feel the most isolated. Over the years I’ve learned it’s not them, I’ve learned it’s me.
It’s me who sees their expressions twisted. It’s me who hears their voice tone wrong. It’s me who distances myself because I think they’re just there to play with me. I think they form a little tirade against me where they can gossip and set up tests around the office and the house and coach guests to be a certain way so I have to deal with it, so they have something else to gossip about.
Everything becomes a test. The dishes, the food, the garbage, everything. It happens at every job I go to, any group event I try to take part in. Everything feels like it’s pushing against me.
So I isolate. I isolate so far I quit things. I skip classes, I drop classes, I quit jobs, I huddle in my room where it’s safe, and when I come out of it I’m left with just the static noise in my head. Then I get bored and frustrated with myself–why can’t I function like the average human being? Why I can’t I just “ignore it” all?
Then I get some more confidence. I apply for jobs I’m not qualified for because I know my writing takes me places my mouth never could, and when I get them I brag because somehow “getting” a job equates to “maintaining and functioning” at a job in my brain.
Then time passes and I’m the outcast. The anxiety hits and I’m going to work with an upset stomach and headache and returning with the same thing. Then comes the paranoia: camera’s are hidden in places specifically to watch me, and they’re watching as I type this, I feel it. They use it to gossip more. I had to close the blinds tonight so I could look for my paper check no one told me was sent here and I didn’t want whoever was probably watching me from across the street thinking I was digging through people’s files.
I’m aware that’s something people say is not happening. I’m always aware of how I feel.
It’s all too much. I’m isolating again, slowly but surely, ignoring calls to work or not taking specific shifts just to avoid too many people or too much turmoil.
I just don’t want to fail again. And I feel like that’s what’s going to happen. Then I’ll start the cycle all over again.
It’s nice to get this out in blog form, but to speak it outloud to someone is my goal. I want to be able to freely speak and freely cry all I need without feeling like someone is going to use that information against me or is going to mock me or feel that I’m the definition of insanity. I don’t know how to feel that way about someone.
I can barely say “hello”, how the hell and I supposed to spill my guts to the world?
My supervisor will be here to take over my shift in 45 minutes. I’ve been here since 10:30 pm (I’m off at 8:30 a.m), got an hour or so of sleep, and one of the guests randomly took all of her belongings and left and when I tried addressing her, she wouldn’t speak or look at me. She didn’t help my situation tonight.
Nothing has been helping my situation.
Status Report Update: I feel like shit.