You know those days you go into therapy and you wonder if you will ever understand things, and then a couple words are exchanged and sudden realization pulses through your vein and hemorrhages in your frontal lobe?

Sometimes you can have moments in therapy that were slightly uncomfortable that you needed to have in order to breathe again.

I will try and rehash the experience. Unfortunately, dissociation took over and I can’t remember half of the conversation.

Firstly, you all know how I feel about diagnosis by now. It’s been a year. Which, congratulations on this blog and all of my followers who have been here from the beginning, and those who have been here recently, I appreciate every person who reads, likes, comments, or even just skims. Writing has been my only true connection to the human population I am apparently apart of (I still think I’m an alien), so when I say I’m grateful for you all, I mean it.

Anyway, if you’re new, I basically hold a middle finger to DSM and ICD-10 diagnosis.

bird-comeback-emoji-fangirling-favim-com-2590219And in particular, I hold ADHD on a special “fuck you” throne, simply because it’s handled so carelessly. They diagnose the children in elementary school because they won’t be quiet in class, and ignore the fact that schools are taking away recess and parents aren’t well versed in handling a child or well versed in what a nutritional diet is, and teachers aren’t fucking psychologists and don’t have the right to say “well, I”m going to recommend this child be checked for ADHD because she keeps interrupting me”.

Then comes the medication. Then comes behavioral issues, irritation, and the Zombie effect.

Then they say “ADHD is rising in America” and people believe it because they only see the surface. Because they don’t see that just because diagnosis is increasing, doesn’t necessarily mean true ADHD is.

So I don’t hold the idea of ADHD particularly high.

That does not mean I feel every diagnosis is fake. In fact, I’ve always noticed an abundance of the characteristics in myself, and that was confirmed yesterday in therapy. Yes, I do have some of the characteristics. It makes it very hard to focus or think. Is that part of a larger picture and not ADHD? Possibly. Who knows. The point is, for those with a true diagnosis of ADHD, I understand your pain, and it’s frustrating that the reality of the issue is hidden beneath a behemoth of misdiagnosis.

But when we began speaking about people and how difficult it is to express my ideas (even when I have them) . . .

and this is where it gets rocky. I don’t remember the conversation. 

I remember we spoke about perhaps not being positively reinforced as a child when it came to my ideas and therefore I developed a sense of “well, what does it matter what I say?” and it became a subconscious habit.

Then I remember we started talking about people and my connection–or rather, disconnection to them.

And that’s where it ends.


A Clear Representation Of My Awareness

I remember staring at the bookcase in the back of the room and everything essentially melted away. I didn’t feel present any longer. I couldn’t pinpoint where my body was and the experience of sitting in that room didn’t feel real and whoever was speaking for me wasn’t me. It was like a light switch had been flicked . . .


I don’t remember what was discussed. I can remember the physical aspects of the room because I’ve been there so many times.

If you didn’t know already, if you’re a newcomer, I have a problem with dissociation. It creates breaks in reality for me when things get uncomfortable, when my anxiety is high, and although I am completely fascinated by the brains ability to find creative ways to protect itself, sometimes I wish it would fuck off.

I remember feeling like a few things were spilling out of me, things I didn’t normally say. Nothing too heavy, but just general things I keep pent up often. That was the feeling I got, but I wasn’t speaking.

I don’t believe I was tortured as a child. Put in bad situations, witnessed bad things, yes, but I was not tortured or horribly abused. I do not have Dissociative Identity Disorder, in case you were wondering.

Sometimes I am just absent.

And the rest of me handles whatever situation it feels I cannot.

That makes me feel like there are parts of me hiding things from me.

What makes talking about being disconnected from people and not really understanding why so traumatic that my brain feels the need to block me from the rest of the conversation?

I left feeling a little relieved, like I’d had some major realization.

I just wasn’t there for the realization.

That’s like getting invited to a party, arriving at the house, ringing the doorbell, and realizing they gave you the wrong address on purpose.

It’s a little odd.


6 thoughts on “Odd

  1. Victoria Fenton

    Goodness me, I love your writing. And your attitude. Diagnosis and labelling is so useless. And I’m not surprised you “dissociate”. That’s not a diagnosis it’s a natural response. What everyone else thinks is irrelevant. And mental symptoms, behaviours and strategies are simply extensions of the protections we feel we need. (I’d always think about nutrition too but that’s my default). Huge love. Don’t feel awkward about that either. I just heard so much in your words.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. alucardeverlasting Post author

      Thank you so much! 🙂 I agree with what you said, mental symptoms are extensions of the protections we feel we need, I love that 🙂 In the same way I always call them reactions. Thanks again for reading and commenting, I appreciate it 🙂


  2. depressionistheenemy

    Firstly thanks for making your blog so accessible! Not only through your great sense of humour but also your awareness that many people who will read your stuff haven’t been following your story. It’s something people sometimes (and perhaps understandably) forget about.

    While I can’t say I disassociate (I suffer only with severe anxiety/depression as far as I am aware) some of what you have written did resonate with me. I’ve often thought about getting properly diagnosed myself. Would you say it’s worth it?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. alucardeverlasting Post author

      Awe thanks so much 😀 I try and keep the reader in mind when I write, but I’m never sure if I’m doing it right LOL so I’m glad it comes across that way 🙂

      That is a pretty heavy question that I feel some people take way too lightly: whether or not diagnosis is worth it.

      I feel I can’t give a straight answer on that. Because I want to be as honest and unbiased as I possibly can. I know my thoughts on it, but I don’t want to push those on you. I think if you feel a proper diagnosis would help you comes to terms with the things you experience, or would better help you understand yourself, I think it’s absolutely worth it.

      For me, how I’ve felt about it, the further I study psychiatry in college and see the training we have to go through . . . a doctor with little to no mental health experience can’t really tell me more about myself than I already know. They can tell me I have depression or bipolar, or they can tell me I’m hallucinating, but what good does that do me if they don’t also make an attempt at relating and connecting to me as a person? I know my experiences, I know how they make me feel, and to have that be called abnormal or wrong or broken in the case of a diagnosis doesn’t make me feel like it’s something that would help me understand myself. So I tend to stray from it.

      BUT many, many people find solace in them. Many people find therapists and such who really take the time to listen and understand and give a decent diagnosis. Same with the concept of being “medicated”. It works for some, it’s a curse for others.

      As long as the decision you make is a decision you feel is the best for YOU and your journey with anxiety and depression and anything else, I think it will be worth it.

      I hope that’s an alright answer, sorry if it’s a little long of if it’s not what you were looking for. . .I guess I should say I’m known for going on tangents, you happened to read one of my much shorter posts lmao. Anyway, thanks for reading and commenting, I love hearing from other people and appreciate the fact that my readers actually take the time to make a connection with me 🙂 I wish you well.



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