I’m always interested to see what countries across the world view this blog and my amazement never ceases. I know many of the people who read me do not have a WordPress account but nonetheless thanks for reading and taking the time to stop by and see what the crazy American has to blabber on about today.

I’m still not satisfied.

I don’t know what’s going on with me anymore. There’s something that’s sucking the life out of me and it’s not school. I think my being “strong” has pushed me to a breaking point. The last time I was this bad, this unmotivated, this blank was when I was 17 and it was the last semester of high school. I got myself together that summer and blazed through the first year of college.

But I’m losing my ability to stay focused and to stay interested. You all know me, I find positivity in everything. I coach people to find positivity in everything. I’m actively enacting every single coping mechanism known to me to be able to hold myself together at the moment, and, like I said, I haven’t had to put so much effort into this in years. It genuinely scares me.

I have another interview tomorrow and somehow I have to keep this flattened demeanor from fucking it up. Somehow I have to gt out of bed and go to class tomorrow.

I like being alone but this is when I hate it. I’d like to have someone keep me company in my room or just take a walk with me or just sit somewhere with me. I’m a very simple person, I don’t need to go through a lot of things for me to feel content. Sitting on a log underneath an Oak listening to birds makes me content.

As for tonight . . .

I just can’t type anymore. It takes too much effort to think of words and that hurts too, because words are my only true friend.

12 thoughts on “Plummeting.”

  1. I want to say something witty and original but what comes to mind is this: what your going through sounds hard…but based on what I read in your post I sense that you know that you may have to fake it and faking it is an important life skill if you have a problem with depression.

    If I’m right it feels like all of the life has left you and your brain was wiped clean…

    It’s a terrible feeling and I hope that it passes soon for you.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I too wish I could offer some sage advise, but most of the time I feel the same way. Unless I’m manic, totally unmotivated. Haven’t been fighting it lately, just going with it…figure eventually I’ll get so bored, I’ll get off my ass and do something…ha. Not the best coping mechanism, but what the hell. May this rut pass soon for us both. Wishing you well 🙂


    1. I totally understand that. I’ve tried that too and I feel I descend into infinite boredom to the point where I don’t feel bored anymore, just void of everything. I’m hoping this rut passes for both of us as well. Thank you for the kind comment 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I can’t offer any amazing advice but jus that I can relate. It takes a lot to motivate me to do, well anything in my life. I haven’t been thinking about the what ifs anymore, I’ve just been trying to fight through it! But dude, thank you for this amazing song!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I get that completely too. I have plans but then somehow I lose motivation for them. Cheers to both of us eventually winning this fight ha. And you’re welcome, I love that song. I don’t know where it came from and I’ve never heard that band before, but it soothed my ears last night.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’ve found my depression is cyclical – big highs followed by big lows often over weeks or months. I always remember that and especially that I’ve been there before and always made it out alive. It kind of helps #47yearsnotout. All the very best to you

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, same here, and I try to remind myself to say that as well, although it’s been harder this time around. But thank you for bringing it up and forcing me to remember. I wish the best your way as well, and thank you for the kind words.

      Liked by 1 person

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