The moment I think I’ve got something figured out about myself is the moment I realize I’m a complete fool. There will always be something new to learn about myself and the more experiences I have the greater possibility there is they will be revealed to me.
That being said, I’ve realized the likelihood I will finish something I’ve started is zero-none. Either I get distracted by something more interesting, the socialization aspect of the project is too heavy for my introverted mind, or I just plain don’t give a shit.
I get sick of things so easily because I never see the practical point of them in the grand scheme of life. It sounds like teenage angst, like “ugh, what’s even like, the point of like, life, like, really, like, this is stoopid”.
But I’m not a teenager and it’s not angst: I see no point in anything. It’s not part of my depression either. My depression stems from the fact that there’s no way I can ever be who I am. That’s where a lot of my general anxiety comes from as well.
I’m a very confused person, that’s my problem. I make rash decisions based on sudden perceptions of people and things.
Even though I’m not at work anymore, I’m pretty sure someone tried to frame me. Weird things were happening all over the place. The weirdest was when I found one of my supplement pills in the main vault in front of the thousands of rolls of quarters. The girl I was with started laughing because she thought it was weed in a capsule and I didn’t have the heart to tell her inexperienced ass that weed does not smell anything like that. She’s obviously never hit a joint or bong or even been near it.
We told the others but the question is how did it get there. When I’m particularly anxious there are times I’ve taken passionflower because it’s helped in the past. I always took them at home and either left the bottle in my room or placed it in my bag which is locked in my locker by my key outside of the cash room in the hallway of the basement. So I was thoroughly confused.
What are the chances someone else takes the same exact thing?
And why would they set it right in front of the quarters? Eye level to everyone in the vault? On the few days they were forcing me and someone else to practice?
One thing I will miss about that place? One of my managers and one of my leads. If you knew me well, you’d know that there are instances in my life where I meet people on the first day and are instantly comfortable with them. It’s very rare and the last time it happened I was 15 and in high school. I’m still friends with him to this day. The time before that was in first grade with a girl. We’re not friends anymore but she had been my first friend. So throughout my life I’ve made two friends on my own.
The lead I think I liked because he reminded me of myself. He’s very stone faced and doesn’t show much emotion, it takes a lot to get him to snicker to smile, and we were getting to a point where I could evoke a smirk from him. I’m usually a clown, people who don’t immediately laugh at my jokes become my own personal project. It’s a self-fulfilling thing, just ignore it. He wouldn’t touch the capsule unless he had two napkins in his hand because he was worried about it being some kind of drug. He laughed when I was like “I ain’t gettin’ blamed for this shit” and took it to management. I laughed because he had to use a napkin to pick up a capsule filled with dried flower leaves.
The manager for night shift was also very nice and always willing to answer questions. He wasn’t very intimidating and always smiled. I often had to help him with things and he left me in charge of the cash room with a friendly reminder of “just don’t touch anything”.
So the people were very nice. I memorized the procedures and was even getting comfortable answering the phones.
Why did I leave? The truth is, besides it being a little too fast paced for me, that there was too much socialization. I was constantly stuck around people. Not guests, but just people. And I need my mental space. I need it. It’s a requirement. It’s like water to me.
People. Wouldn’t. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Someone was always talking or moving. My anxiety was there sometimes, but the majority of the time I was overwhelmed with annoyances. The kind of annoyances that overload your senses and halt your rationality.
I have a very specific personality. I don’t care to make friendships. I don’t care to have conversation with people unless it’s necessary. I act like I find people interesting, I smile, I wave, I say hello, I make jokes with them because it’s the easiest way to get on someone’s good side. But honestly I could give two shits. I don’t care about working, I don’t care about school or friends or any of that superficial shit.
There are times I feel like I’m a little more comfortable. For example, my boyfriend and I are planning a summer trip to Los Angeles (granted I have money to pay for my half) and although that’s a lot of people and even though we’ve been inviting people to come with us, I know I will get enjoyment out of that. My boyfriend is one of those rare people I don’t feel completely dead around, kind of like the people I feel instantly comfortable around.
But even then I have to constantly keep up a smile because I don’t want him to be offended if I suddenly stop talking, or suddenly don’t answer his questions or respond to him. It’s hard for me to explain that if I stop talking or go around with a blank expression it’s not that I’m not enjoying myself, it’s not that I’m mad or depressed, it’s just that I don’t have emotions right now so you’re going to have to fucking wait.
It’s hard for people to understand that none of it has anything to do with them. So I try to always keep a smile on my face.
What people don’t know is that the majority of the time (95% of my waking life) I’m blank and emotionless. Not depressed, just blank. When I go outside I have to pretend like I give a shit about conversation, or people, or that I’m even apart of this world when I know damn well I’m not.
I’ve thought about all of this extensively. I’m very disconnected from what you all consider ‘reality’. I’ve always been and I’ve never had a problem with it. It only becomes a problem when I’m trying to keep a job or stay in school.
My anxiety is entirely separate from this, I’ve also realized that.
I’m a clusterfuck.