Functionality Isn’t Easy


If you have a short attention span, first of all welcome to group. There are quite a few of us, and you kind of arrived a little late, but help yourself to what’s left of the potluck table. Oh, you don’t like chocolate? Well you can get the fuck out.

Anyway, as I was saying, if you have a short attention span, you know when your limits have been reached. You also know that you make tons of tiny (but ultimately large mistakes), particularly when you’re made to focus for an extended period of time on something. Like school work or paper work at your job.

I have done both several times in the last three days and it’s frustrating knowing I overlook the simple things without knowing I do.

I am taking a break from straining my mind through math and even though I’m a little behind on homework, if I have to integrate by parts and partially fractionate (that’s not a word) and substitute and strain my memory for trigonometric identities one more time, I’m going to blow a gasket.

17mu8lzn0thhrjpgWe all know I do not handle stress well.

When presented with stress, I do two things:

1). Storm around cursing at everyone and everything, including myself.

2). Search frantically for a way to drop one of the stressful aspects of my routine.

Because of fun fact number two, I often make rash decisions, like drop two classes because I failed a quiz and feel inferior to every other human on earth.

I haven’t ever done that, but it’s something I would do.

Work is stressful for  me. There’s a lot of memorizing specific procedures and routes and I learn slower when it comes to memorizing twenty two different routes through a maze. I’m also a perfectionist and hate when I make mistakes, even when I have to in order to learn.

It makes me feel as if I don’t have what it takes to be a functional member of society. I can last a day or two before completely crumbling.

Those of us who struggle mentally know we are very sensitive to stress and it’s usually a good idea to come up with healthy tactics to handle that stress.

It’s a good idea to come up with healthy tactics to handle the stress.



I tell myself that all the time and it never happens. As you can see. I’ve told myself three times and I’m still not going to do it. Maybe I don’t know where to start. Maybe I don’t want to start. Maybe I want to start and have an idea of where to start but are procrastinating until I know it works for sure: I’m the perfectionist procrastinator, remember?

Whatever the reason, I’m suffering in the mean time. My anxiety is at an all time high and the depression is slowly creeping its way through all my safe guards and positive pep-talks. I have defenses against these things, but they’re fragile and severely underdeveloped. It’s like launching a basketball at a premature baby and expecting it to catch it.

To top it all off, I left my hot sauce and my water in the refrigerator at work, and my social anxiety is keeping me from high tailing my ass over there and grabbing it before they toss everything out this Friday. I only work Saturday and Sunday this month.

I put hot sauce on fucking everything. Fish, chicken, beef, rice, beans, whatever.

cb45e6e2ab8acbc0e6b464e3dec79370I put A1 steak sauce on my fish as well. People find that strange. That’s because they don’t know how to eat.

Anyway, what I realized today, which set my head spiraling downward, was the fact that I’d need to tell the director, my main boss and scheduler, about my psychologist appointments so he knows not to schedule me at my regular time on Wednesdays when I start working on the weekdays.

I’ve never told any superiors, except one professor in an essay, about what I struggle with on a daily basis because I understand the stigma around any and all mental health issues. Just the thought makes my digestive system churn.

Because, as much as you want to hope for an understanding attitude, there’s always a chance they won’t be capable of it.

21-adhd_sensory-overloadThese people I work with seem really genuine. I know they’ve probably noticed when the phone rings, when the door bell rings, and when there’s a conversation going on in another area of the room all at the same time it’s hard for me to focus on the task I’m supposed to be learning. Sometimes my trainer has had to repeat three times to me what I’m supposed to be doing because my brain is being tugged in so many different directions at once.

Am I good fit for this position? I don’t know. Sure, it’s a matter of getting used to a new environment but it’s also about what I can handle and what I can’t. I’m dealing with a lot of numbers, a lot of precision, and I can’t afford to be making mistakes all over the place because of my brain.

I split my Ativan pills in half and took three halves during my eight hour shift just to keep my nerves at a relatively low level. I have a very high tolerance, they barely effected me. It was probably more a placebo effect than anything.

the-hottest-question-in-europe-did-the-ecb-just-pull-off-a-back-door-bailout-that-will-end-the-crisisI had to sneak into the bathroom with them stuffed in a gum packet because they have cameras on our department’s staff at all times.

There’s a lot of stigma around people with depression and anxiety, just like every other mental health issues. We’re lazy. We’re too timid; we won’t be able to handle anything. We need to be treated differently. We’re, perhaps, untrustworthy in terms of unpredictability. We can’t handle what the others can. We’re too emotional. We’re mentally “less able”.

The good thing is if he doesn’t believe any of that and is willing to ask me questions and accommodate and we can come to a sort of consensus that works for the both of us, I might feel more comfortable. The bad thing is, if he suddenly deems me unfit I might be out of a job.

I would hate for them to be short one more person. They need 24 employees before march 11. They’ve been looking since mid 2015. They’ve gotten four. That’s including me and my friend.

These people are genuine. They’re kind and patient for the most part, and were heartbroken when one of their long time employees stole thousands from them. He now ha1s a felony on his record, as an accounting major. Life = ruined.


They put a lot of trust in us. They have no choice. With the stuff we deal with, it’s entirely based on procedure and trust. And communication. And the ability to handle ridiculous over time hours because we’re understaffed because fucking people can’t subtract 16.29 from 20.00.

Seriously. That’s the type of math test you receive, and that’s what everyone is failing. That’s why they’re understaffed.

Just for the record, you must be 18 + to work this particular department.

I don’t like feeling as if I’m failing people who put in a lot of effort and time into their employees and into their job. It’s not just a job to them, it really is what they do with their life. I’m among business degree holders and accountants.

Maybe I need to give it more time. Or maybe I’ve bit off more than I can chew.


4 thoughts on “Functionality Isn’t Easy”

  1. I do think you need to give it more time. You need a month to find out what to do in each situation, and another month to feel comfortable doing it. That’s my two cents.

    Just a suggestion here, but I’ve found that people who crave hot sauce or A1 sauce really want the vinegar. Ever consider just buying some cider vinegar and drinking a shot of it now and then? Sounds like your body wants/needs some of what it can offer.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s the same thing my psychologist said today, so it made me feel a lot better, like I wasn’t going crazy about how ridiculously stressful it is. I’ll give it a while. If by the end of the summer it’s too much for me, I’ll just leave. It’s a seasonal position anyway. And I’ve always wanted to try a shot of vinegar, assuming I could shoot it down my throat without gagging XD

      Liked by 1 person

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