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Truths

Lean Wit It, Rock Wit It

Can we all take a moment and give mad respect to Betty White and her dab?

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I’m not the kind of person to “lean and dab”, I’m not even a person to dab. Or lean for that matter. I don’t “Nae-Nae” or “whip” lest the effect be purely comedic. But I give props to Betty for keeping up with the “times” (regardless of how disgraceful those times may be) and keeping herself young.

I aspire to have the same mindset at her age. I’ll be doing whatever freakish combination of “nae-nae”, “whipping”, “dabbing” and “Bobby Shurmdaing” comes out in the future down the halls of the psychiatric hospital I’ll be the chief of. Dancing is good for mental health. That would be a good exercise for everyone, including the staff.

My business plans are golden, ya’ll.

mjaxmi01mjazm2jkzdu0mdzin2jlAll you can really do is laugh at this kind of stuff. Anyone who takes these artists seriously is missing the point. Sure, the “dab” music video has over fourteen million views but I guarantee 90% of them came from people wanting to see how stupid it was. I won’t even complain about that kind of “music” because it’s not music. It’s entertainment, simply. It’s not meant to be meaningful or beautiful or heartfelt, it’s meant to ring in popularity and dough and fifteen minutes of fame. They’re actually quite intelligent, if you ask me. It takes a serious disregard for ones own dignity to put yourself in the limelight without a care and subject yourself to relentless ridicule just for some views on YouTube and the chance at a record deal with a corporation that will garnish 80% of your earnings for themselves.

I’ve written countless numbers of parody raps and I’ve manipulated and created beats just as easily as these fools. I could mix a nice beat and but a pointless video to it and post it on YouTube and gather a little fame too. I’m a crazy personality when I’m by myself or in front of a camera.

I’ve always wanted to be part of YouTube. As an introvert, it gives me a chance to show my true self and entertain people with my five star comedy (don’t argue it) without ever having to look at them face to face. I’d like to have someone to do it with, someone who is as dedicated as I am, and I haven’t found anyone interested yet.

It makes me wonder: perhaps I did become a “Youtube celebrity”. That’s what they call them, right? Whatever. Perhaps I became a YouTube Personality. I like that phrase better. Could I handle the fame, if it so happened to blow my socks off?

Yes and no, I think is the proper answer.

stressed-simpsonI’ve been busy this week. School, running back and forth to handle the job paperwork, dealing with my family issues, and it stresses me out. I can’t handle stress. I’m on my last straw and it’s only the beginning of week three in the semester.

Often my anxiety keeps me up at night, and it’s been vicious since school started, not to mention I have to take care of all of my father’s medical issues (making sure appointments are scheduled, sacrificing homework time to take him to his appointments, keeping an eye on his behavior e.t.c) because my mother is a procrastinator and also refuses to take even a day off of work to take him to anything. I worry about myself, about them, about school, about random things all night long and get four to five hours of sleep each night.

I try to work on myself and my social anxiety disorder and depression and anger to prevent it from also holding me back in school, but I can’t put as much time into it as I want to with all these other obstacles in the way.

Yesterday I went to a credit union to open another account because my first bank account representative couldn’t set up my account right two years ago. Talking to authoritarian figures such as bankers is a red flag alert for my anxiety; I’ve been preparing for it all week. I was thoroughly frustrated when my mother and I walked through the doors because we looked like idiots standing at the front desk in the middle of the room where no one was sitting. We we got in line to cash her check and the guy who was supposed to be at the front desk came back. My mother said we could go back to the front desk again but I didn’t want to look like a fucking idiot even more, so I hissed no.

A hauty-taughty woman stood an inch from me and my red flag started to burn.

'Don't worry, I always stand this close to people.'

The bank representative couldn’t set up my account because there’s a fraud alert on my social security number. Either someone stole my identity (fat lot of luck you’ll have with my zero credit score) or someone in the system spelled my name wrong. They wouldn’t even accept it even though I had my signed card with me.

I put a lot of effort into that visit. It took a lot of energy out of me, the last bit of energy I had, and I started balling in the car because 1) I have to go to the social security office to sort this out and 2) I have to go back to the bank and through the process all over again.

This is not the first time I’ve had a problem with banks. Corporate and Federal America doesn’t like me.

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My mother clicked her tongue at me like she always does and tells me to stop being ridiculous and hysterical over nothing.

I’ve known for a long time the way I feel 1) isn’t understood, 2) isn’t respect and 3) doesn’t matter to anyone but myself.

I wanted to spend some good one on one time with my boyfriend because that’s the only time I feel at least semi-normal and not as anxious, but that didn’t happen because of video games and my inability to express verbally how I feel. Enough said.

I’m not prepared for this coming week. I’m rather fragile.

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If I were “famous” I couldn’t quit the fame, not in the way I could quit the job or school. But at least I’d have a lot of money to go crazy like Justin Bieber or Brittany Spears.

To avoid further conflict in my house at this moment (the alcoholic is doing what he does best and that usually sparks some deep seeded anger in me I’d rather not let loose at the moment) I am sitting at a sea cliff edge, the edge I drove to when I had the courage to jump off it but made the wise decision not to, and I’m marveling at how smooth the ocean is and how bright the sun is. Everything is beautiful here and I like that.

Besides the two idiots sitting on the bench right in front of my car. They could have sat some place else.

I’ll post pictures later.

As for now, I don’t think I could handle fame or school. Or life.

I’m going to stay positive as always. Part of that is letting loose of some of this negativity in the form of blogging.

I think that’s a decent strategy, don’t you?

 

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About AlishiaDee (378 Articles)
Alishia D. is a blogger, a beginning novelist, and a counselor at 2nd Story Peer Respite house where diagnostic labels and the culture of mental health is long forgotten. She's a mental health peer who has bounced through as many labels as she has doctors, and enjoys being sarcastic when she can. She also hates writing in 3rd person.

5 Comments on Lean Wit It, Rock Wit It

  1. Yes, it’s a decent strategy. It’s become my first line of defense: write it out.

    Shit…I think you’re incredibly strong to handle what you’re doing right now. And I think crying when you got out of the bank is absolutely understandable. Your mother sounds a bit like mine.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah it’s starting to become my first line to defense too haha. And thanks!
      Yeah, my mother is very . . . stubborn I guess I would say. Or old-school.

      Liked by 1 person

      • That’s kind. I usually just say my mother was a bitch. Sometimes I use the ‘c’ word. She’s dead, so I’m shouting at the heavens. And I sure as hell hope she hears me up there…or down there, or wherever.

        Like

  2. It is a good strategy. I’m sorry you don’t get more support at home. It’s the same with me. It’s like my family thinks if they ignore the mental illness it will go away. I wish!

    Liked by 1 person

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