Truths

Interview #2

blacklist (the dictionary project)

After applying to every possible job in my town, I’m convinced I’ve been blacklisted by my previous employer.

But regardless of whether or not they’ve been following my life and ruining it step by step like corporate freaks tend to do, I have another interview on Tuesday.

I applied at 1am this morning and received a call from them at 9am.

It’s for the same amusement park my boyfriend works for. I saved this position for the very last resort because I knew they would call me back–they always call everyone back. They need a lot of workers and the damn majority of them are high school kids who can’t work during the weekdays.

I picked a position where I’m down in the basement, counting money, and putting the numbers into a system. I pop my head out to collect the case from different stations, then return to my home in the basement like the freakish vampire I am.

I won’t sport my fangs on the first day. I’ll wait for a week at least, until I reveal my true identity.

vampire-jerry-big

I’m good with numbers and I’m good with computers. I don’t know the systems they use, I’ve never even heard of a “File Maker” accounting system, but I understand technology fairly well. It all runs with the same consistency.

I believe you’re mostly working by yourself or with a partner, which I don’t mind at all.

A lot of people with social anxiety disorder struggle in interviews, but I can handle speaking to a man or woman for fifteen to thirty minutes, one on one, especially since they’ll be asking most of the questions.

My worries surround the first day of work. Where do I go? Who do I report to? Do I have to ask around to find out? Where will they be? How much of a fool of myself am I going to make? (Regardless of the logic that everyone is lost on their first day). That’s part of the anxiety. 

My worries surround the coworkers. It’s not the typical worry of “oh no, are they going to like me? Are they going to be nice?”. I’m worried because I know for a fact I can’t communicate with them easily. I know I’m going to have trouble appearing “nice” and average. I’m going to have trouble relating to others. I’m going to have trouble having a conversation with them and not appearing as some passive little girl. That’s partly anxiety. It’s also complete ignorance; I just don’t know how to talk to them. 

intimidatedI’m going to have trouble with not being intimidated by my superiors; they’ve worked there longer than me, how stupid am I going to make myself look in front of them? That’s an anxiety thought.

I’m not going to be able to make friends with the coworkers. I’m just not. I honestly don’t want to and I hate that people have bad impressions of you just because you don’t want to talk to them. They should be thankful they won’t have to hear my mouth like certain other people do. This is my personality. 

Whenever an interview is scheduled for me, an instant pang of regret floods me. Once I’ve committed, I’ve committed, and there’s no going back without burning some bridges. I’ve burned enough of those.

The thing about living with anxiety is that you’ve got a second person inside of you constantly ravaging your brain with reasons why you shouldn’t do something or shouldn’t have done something. It’s always in your ear blocking you from hearing the more competent part of yourself.

So I force myself to seek out some positives.

  1. I’ll have a job.
  2. I’ll be making money.
  3. I won’t feel as useless.
  4. I can pay for things more often.
  5. I can save some dough for when I move out.
  6. I can gain work experience.
  7. I can do something really special for my boyfriend.
  8. I can get my car fixed.
  9. I can work through some of my social anxiety.
  10. I’m forcing myself out of my comfort zone. 16f741e
  11. I can get some fucking internet in this fucking apartment.
  12. I’ll no longer have to panic when my college delays on my financial aid money.
  13. I’ll have to be out of the house often, and it will prevent me from slipping any further into agoraphobia.
  14. I’ll see that everything my anxious twin has been listing off in my head since I got that phone call was all just exaggeration, meant to tamper with my self-confidence. 
  15. I’ll learn my limits–healthy limits.

    b96397e36042ccf4c50bed33eb4709f7

    Look How Healthy This Limit Is. Love Is Healthy. Math Is Healthy.

  16. I’ll be able to separate my introverted personality from the anxiety and find that I can get along working just fine as long as I’m not around too many people at once.
  17. It’ll will force a more steady sleeping pattern.
  18. Working and school means my schedule leaves little room for feeling sorry for myself and my struggles.
  19. I can prove to myself that I’m stronger than I think.
  20. I’ll learn to balance out my insatiable need for power with my insatiable need to cower before my superiors. How does that work? Ask my brain. There’s a whole bunch of people in there, that’s why I’m so contradictory.

I’m not even going to waste space typing out the negatives. My twin listed off the opposite of each of my positives right in my ear and just the thought of having to have this type of responsibility and do the kind of mental work I’m going to have to do just to get by every day is enough to make me start shaking and tearing up.

But my true self, the introvert, the writer, the amateur photographer, the slightly awkward but otherwise pretty intelligent person could care less about how people see me or whether or not my co-workers will find me weird or not, could also care less about any negatives. It could care less about the fact that June-August in this town are more crowded than Satan’s summer bash in Hell and I heard millions attend. Satan makes some pretty damn good brownies, if you know what I mean. 

weed-brownies

I logically understand the separation in myself with my anxiety and who I am. I understand that part of my anxiety comes from the fact that I also struggle with understanding how to converse or make friends and the fact that depression can take control of me in just a few hours and render me immobile. That’s why I work so hard to find the positives in everything, I’m constantly fighting it, I feel it every second of the day and when I’m stressed it’s just harder to find those positives.

Those are struggles I have to face in the moment. I could practice in my head or in the mirror all I want, that’s not going to do shit, not for me. Role play doesn’t work either. I had a therapist do that with me once.

It went horribly wrong. 

I’ll let your imagination wander.

 

 

About AlishiaDee (372 Articles)
Alishia D. is a blogger, a beginning novelist, and a counselor at 2nd Story Peer Respite house where diagnostic labels and the culture of mental health is long forgotten. She's a mental health peer who has bounced through as many labels as she has doctors, and enjoys being sarcastic when she can. She also hates writing in 3rd person.

12 Comments on Interview #2

  1. mentalbreakinprogress // January 22, 2016 at 5:45 pm // Reply

    First off, congrats and good luck in the interview! I just went through a brutal interview process in the last 2 weeks but I really wanted the job and well EI was running out and now I have to put my big girl panties on and face the workforce again lol I can relate to your fears and anxiety as well…I recently told “my twin” to shut up because work starts Monday and I have bills to pay…my twin has backed off…for now lol It’s a big step just in itself to recognize the benefits of putting yourself out there and I’m rooting for you! 🙂 PS Those “brownies” look really good lol oh and feel free to drop by my “post party” I’ve been catching up with my fellow bloggers and I’m sure a lot of them can relate to what you have written here 🙂 Hope to see you there! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Well, if you have problems with basic conversation, try something like bringing in a treat for everyone to share. That signals you’re an okay person even if you don’t talk much.

    Hope all goes well with the job. Sounds like the position is okay; not too much stress once you get over that first week. You’ll find out how they do things, how the flow in the office goes. Don’t worry about ‘making friends’ at the job. I’ve never found that a real option in the past. Office ‘friends’ are people you might take your lunch break with – and that’s okay. Taking a lunch break with a co-worker can be fun. Just don’t try for too much. Most won’t be willing to go beyond splitting the bill at a restaurant.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m too nervous to even offer something like that haha. I can try but it probably won’t be for this job or anything, it’ll probably be something for a later date. But I do like that suggestion, thanks!

      And thanks, I’ll try not to go for too much. That’s probably one of my other issues. I just hate small talk and I hate gossip and I hate just talking to people if there isn’t a legitimate thing to talk to them about, something important or with substance. I like to learn things and teach things and chit chat is just the opposite to me. It’s boring.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I can understand that. Chit chat doesn’t have a purpose, other than to break the ice or ‘feel’ the other person out. For instance, I might use chit chat with a relative stranger by saying something about a news item I’d been following. ‘Did you hear about -?’ The way that person reacts will tell me a lot about them. If they blow it off and it’s a hot topic for me – like rape or the current refugee crisis – I know that what I hold important isn’t really important to them. However, if they express concern about it, I know we have something kind of similar between us, at least on that topic. And however the other person reacts, I gather info about them, their belief systems, etc. I have a better idea of what next to bring up – or at least what to never bring up again!

        Liked by 1 person

      • See, I’ve never thought of it as a way to learn about other people. I mean I know I should it just never pops into my head. I feel like they’re wasting my time more than anything. I’m going to try and ask regular questions more lol thanks for the comment.

        Liked by 1 person

      • No problem; glad it helped! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s kinda scary & neat that so much of what you write feels like it’s coming out of my own head. I really relate to your anxieties and fears, and how you handle them. I feed myself and spout so much positivity at times it’s almost sickening. It’s my way of combating the negative voices. Lately the voices have been winning, but the battle is on going, as I expect it always will be…and I’ll evidentially bounce back. In the mean time, when I get like this, I don’t interact with people very much. This causes most people to view me as aloof, unsociable and as an asshole. Most times, I could care less what others think as I can’t help being anxiety ridden most of the time.

    Ok…I get lazy in my writing…that’s why you’ll see me leave incomplete thoughts in my comments and writings most times. Rarely write long pieces my mind wanders too much to stay on topic. On that note have a good weekend Ms. A…..I’m off to indulge in some unhealthy distractions 😉

    Liked by 2 people

    • I hope you back bounce soon! You deserve it. But yep, I definitely see the similarities haha. And it sucks that a lot of people base their perceptions off of people when they’re feeling bad or feeling their worst rather than remembering when they were feeling good or feeling their best. People are weird; they remember so much of the negative about a person.

      Hahaha unhealthy distractions: the best kind 😀 You have a good weekend yourself as well

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I swear my old boss black listed me too! I’ve told people that! LOL! But then again, she very well may have. Hmmm. Anyway, one of the best anxiety fighting tools I ever got was from AS. They taught me to go into new experiences with no expectations, just to show up. It helped me. Good luck Vampire woman!!!😊

    Liked by 1 person

  5. That should say “from AA” . Damn spell correct!

    Liked by 1 person

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