Heart Healthy Tip: Don’t over exercise you guys, it actually causes scar tissue to form around the heart. Moderation is important.
Anywhooooooo . . .
Challenges are healthy.
And when that boss crashed into the pavement and lavender vapor in the form of his own diseased, decrepit soul spewed from his body and evaporated against the blood soaked bricks, when those block letters forming the words I’ve been waiting for days to see: [PREY SLAUGHTERED] finally faded into the screen I jumped out of my seat with every muscle in my body tensed and hissed “fuck yes! Fuck yes! Finally! Fuck you! Fuck you fuck you fuck you, YES!” as loud as I could at 12:00 am.
There’s never been a video game in my life where I’ve had to use the breathing technique I use for Panic Attacks to calm my heart rate down.
My limbs were shaking. My hearing was muffled. My heart throbbed behind my eyes and my legs were weak.
And all the anxiety I’d been feeling for the last couple days melted into oblivion along with the beast I just SLAUGHTERED.
That’s my new favorite word: SLAUGHTERED.
I do have a video game addiction. If I’m not playing video games, I’m watching someone else play them, whether that be in real life or on YouTube. It’s coupled with my technology obsession and internet addiction.
But I use them for a reason. Videos and Video games numb my mind. Technology provides me with a type of company I feel people can’t. The internet–well, it’s good to keep me busy and not thinking. It’s also the main catalyst behind my health anxiety addiction.
Yes, I’m the type of person who, when they wake up with a sore left arm (even if they spent the following night propped up on that left arm for hours, even if they know their old ass mattress causes a lot of body pains in their hips, back, and legs) they immediately assume a heart attack.
That is not an exaggeration. Until that pain in my left arm is gone, I will assume my body is about to break down at any second.
So because that type of throbbing anxiety has been in my head for a few days, because I’ve been a little stressed and pushed out of my comfort zone this last week, it’s all been building. I know when stress builds up, I can feel it.
It’s as if I have a slow leak.
Stay with me here.
Picture my body and brain as a kitchen sink. Picture the kitchen sink with one of those drain plugs. But the plug is a little loose and a thin stream of water makes it between the cracks and down the drain. Imagine the water is my stress.
Someone turns the faucet on full and the sink backs up and backs up and it puts pressure on the walls of the sink and you decide to practice your math and you use calculus shit to find out there’s no way in fucking hell that little stream of water is going to leak fast enough to beat the rate the water is filling up the sink. You don’t care to go much farther with that because, eh, math isn’t your thing.
Whatever. Don’t be a hater. It can be fun if you give it a chance.
Eventually the water reaches that crucial level where the only thing holding it from over flowing are the very chemical bonds which give it the properties of water. Luck runs out at some point and hydrogen bonds spill all over the counter and leak over the edge of the sink onto the floor.
It doesn’t take much for me to get to that stress level. Put me outside for a few days in a row and it’s already accelerated the process.
So I’ve been very irritated and snapping at my parents and feeling inconsolable. I go from happy to pissed off to deeply depressed and back to happy within a matter of minutes. The anxiety added to that. In fact, it was the catalyst.
So I decided to sit down and play a game I rage at. Because releasing unwarranted hell and being homicidal against fantasy characters is totally okay.
It gives me something to focus on, something I have a right to be angry at and shout at. It won’t argue with me, it will just send me all the way back to the stupid hunter’s dream lantern and laugh at me in it’s own technological way. But that’s alright, because I laughed at it when I beat that boss level.
Some people think I probably get way too into it. When was the last time you were shaking out of your shoes and leaping out of your chair and almost slamming your controller into the desk (this PlayStation 4 was a gift from my boyfriend if you all remember, I couldn’t break it and I remember that the split second before I took out my rage-happiness on it) and breathing like a pregnant woman in labor and crouching on the floor almost in happy tears because of a video game?
When you play this game you learn the meaning of hard work and the joy of accomplishment. When you’re fighting that boss you know what’s at stake: all of your blood echos. Your life. All the work you put into going through sewers and stabbing giant hogs in the ass and giant rats in the sewers and other freakish hunters jumping out at you from dark corners. You know if you die, you have to go through all of that fucking bullshit again. It makes you push harder than you’ve ever pushed in a video game before.
I’m telling you; these games teach you life lessons in their own subtle ways.
In between episodes of Bloodborne, I was surfing the web for job openings. I applied for a few. But I’m still wary. I know I can force myself to handle what I apply for, but I wonder what amount of stress that will put on my psyche. I know some stress management techniques and anxiety management techniques, and often they work.
To an extent.
I have no tolerance for stress, however. I can do one thing at a time, lest I’m on the computer. Then I can handle listening to a video in the background while I type a blog.
But mostly I like to keep my focus in one place. It helps routine, you know? And having a job and going to school is two things. Two. Two places in which I have to interact and wear that mask. You know how sweaty it gets behind that thing? My pores start clogging up and it gets hard to breathe . . . it’s just a mess man.
I’m just trying to accept the fact that I can’t handle a lot of things at once like most people. I have to take things slower and do things my way or else I’m putting my mental health at serious jeopardy.
A job playing video games. Now . . . now that would save my mental health. Just putting it out there.
YouTube here I come.
“What do you want to be when you grow up, Jimmy?”
“I want to be a YouTuber!”
“Get the fuck out of my classroom Jimmy”.
*Ten years later Jimmy has 10 million subscribers and is making 4 million dollars a year. His teacher hides herself from the public in shame, for she should have known to never, ever underestimate the power of the internet.*