Who’s Your Best Friend?

oh-shit-i-c2n0lp

What the fuck was I going to say?

That’s a good way to start a post.

Sorry, let me try again. I need the perfect intro.

*clears throat*

Hi. How are you all doing? I forgot what the fuck I was going to say.

3visrs

Anyway, ignore me.

What kind of people do ya’ll like to hang around, if anyone at all? This was brought up in a conversation from today and it got me thinking.

If I were to have the perfect set of friends, how would they be?

friendshipI have had friends in the past (shocking) and they have matched me in weirdness and loudness, but that was only after I was comfortable around them and that took a good three or four years.

Sounds like an exaggeration, but it’s not.

But interests . . . not really. I’ve never met someone as interested in being inside of their head as I am, probably because people like me prefer not to be meeting other people.

Which is weird, given the fact that there are times I get lonely. But I don’t think it’s the type of lonely that requires me to be around people. It feels like the type of lonely that’s just sick of not being accepted.

That sounds so cheesy. Am I 12?

But it’s true. Even among the people who talk to me most often, I don’t feel accepted by. I feel they think it’s a bad thing or a weird thing that I’m quiet. I feel they think it’s weird I actually enjoy writing all day or watching YouTube all day for two weeks without ever leaving my house. I feel they think they’re better than me because they have jobs and make money (as if that makes a person who they are) and have nice brand new cars to drive around in.

I don’t crave attention. But I would like for one person to acknowledge the fact that I like my personality the way it is.

ilikemyselfbag

I like them for who they are. I’m proud they get as far as they do, I’m glad they enjoy the things they do. There are times I participate in what they want to do just to show support. But do I ever get that in return? No, I’m too weird. It’s not cool to talk about a book or philosophy or sit and imagine a whole new creative world in your head. That’s fucking creepy apparently.

I’m making strides in my anxiety so I can fit into the world, so I don’t end up on the streets starving but too nervous to ask for help. In my head I could give two shits if I had a job or money or friends or college credits or a house to live in. None of that makes me who I am. I have a crazy world in my head, why would I need anything else?

Obviously I’ve been homeless before, I know how much of a struggle it is, so I’m not going to not have a place to live.

Which means I’m going to need:

money

 

Which means I’m going to need a:

101097

 

And if I don’t want to work remedial jobs for the rest of my life, I’m going to need to go to:

intro_about

 

And if I’m going to have to go to college, I’m going to do it for something I enjoy, like psychology (which I am) . . . or physics . . . or Literature . . . but only one of them because this isn’t the Ancient Greek days when you could be a philosopher-physicist-poet-psychologist, e.t.c. in like three months.

Art and physics will always be a part of my life. It just won’t be my main profession.

But in order to do any of that, I have to pretend I’m like other people.

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I have to pretend that I put a value on working and collaborating and being apart of things.

At least I’ll always know I’ll stand out from the group a little. That gives me hope. I don’t ever want to blend into the crowd. I’m claustrophobic.

I’m not claustrophobic. I just don’t want to be part of a crowd.

This is why the person who speaks for me, the person who interacts with that physical world often displays a very rigid, perfectionist, quiet personality and my real self is the one who writes these blogs and creates stories and enjoys herself at home in her room thinking all day.

I’ve tried to be my normal self around people and they can’t handle it. I say random shit. I think about random shit. I make weird jokes. I talk a lot of shit and emit some kind of care-free attitude they don’t seem to understand.

Shit like this:

nb1

When I say I like something, or want to do something, or laugh at something, I get told I’m weird. I laugh at it because there’s no need to get offended, even if people are having a laugh at my expense, but it just reminds me I’m not like them.

I’m a logical person, I like logic; I understand money and career and all that is important for survival. But that’s about it. Survival. None of it is why I enjoy life.

That’s why I made a choice between physics, literature, and psychology. In all three there’s an aspect of creativity and imagination you need. Sure, physics requires you know a lot of mathematics, but have you seen some of the conundrums quantum physics covers? You need a serious “think outside of the box” kind of brain to do that shit for your career.

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I tried making friends in the physics center at my college. They all have a bunch of sticks up their ass, toting around their IQ on their shoulders like it’s a golden fucking phoenix. I couldn’t stand to be around them.

Plus the center was tiny as shit. Too many people.

Literature is synonymous with creative mind to me.

Psychology? There’s no textbook for it.

Yeah, yeah, DSM, shut up. There’s no textbook for it. When you’re in your office speaking with someone, their experience is going to be vastly different from the next person and you’re going to need to adapt quickly. That makes a good psychologist/psychiatrist. Saying the same thing over and over again and tossing out labels doesn’t sound Ph.D or M.D worthy. I could fucking do that–people on the internet are experts at it. The DSM isn’t going to tell you how to help them or what to say to help them make a revelation about themselves.

I love thinking. I love helping other people think.

2808468566_dc22dede4bI’m not saying I’m smart, and I’m not saying I’m dumb. I just like to think. Maybe some of my thoughts are stupid, maybe some of them are genius, I don’t really care. It’s literally the thought that counts to me. Literally.

People today let Google think for them. Maybe that’s why I’m hard to understand.

So what kind of perfect friend would I have? Maybe Google is a good one. Maybe that’s why I spend so much time on the internet. We’re a match made in Heaven.

Maybe that’s why I get these bouts of loneliness. I don’t crave attention, I just want to know there are people who appreciate different minds. I’m working on my anxiety and depression because I need it under control to pretend a little easier in real life.

The creative things in my brain that I get lost in that might seem psychologically abnormal? I’ll never touch them. I’ll leave them where they are. Who are they harming?

I don’t want to be “normal” or be forced to be happy at a job because I’m acting like everyone else. I want the ability to be who I am without being chastised for it.

I hope Google is a male. Ladies, I love you, but holly SHIT. What . . . what is girl talk? What is that? I’m a female and I don’t understand it. I prefer to hang out with men; I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I advocate for women and love empowering women but the ones around here are drama filled.

WHY?????

Maybe my MALE friend Google has some theories on it.

He has: “About 188,000,000 results (0.45 seconds)” on it, just in case you were wondering.

 

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7 thoughts on “Who’s Your Best Friend?

  1. drewdarko23

    Happy Noodle Boy!!! 😀
    I wish I had a friend who spouted off random nonsense like happy noodle boy; people who don’t appreciate weirdness are just missing out. It’s a shame that this happens to be most of the people in the world… /:
    I get where you’re coming from, though. People react to me with confusion or else they just react in ways I find totally confusing, which is why I try to hang out with cats whenever possible. (Cats totally get it! I’m not sure why humans can’t…)

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
    1. alucardeverlasting Post author

      Yes! Someone actually recognized him lol! Lol they are totally missing out and they’ll regret it when they realize how boring the rest of their friends are haha.

      I must admit, I envy you with your cats! I love those furry little fluff balls so much. Mine lived until she was 18 and ever since then we haven’t moved into a place that allows pets without a huge fine. Plus I developed an allergy to them. And yet . . . whenever I’m in petsmart . . . and they meow at me and stick their paws through their godawful cages . . . I have to pick them up and stick my face in them. Then I’m dying for the next few hours lmao.

      But cats totally get it. Maybe that part of their brain is more evolved than the majority of humans XD

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      1. drewdarko23

        More people need to know happy noodle boy; I even have a T-shirt dedicated to him! (Sadly, I can’t wear it because my badly curved spine makes it fit wrong, but it’s still a prized possession!)
        Yeah, they’ll wake up at age 50 or so and it’ll just hit them that “Wow, these people are so boring… Why am I here?”
        I can’t even imagine not being able to have a cat; I’d be like “I will take on all the credit card debt they will allow me to in order to have my cat!” (oh god, I’d probably have to go to those ‘fast loan’ places with the stupid commercials…)
        I have that same thing with pet stores, I love to talk to the cats! I would take them all home with me if I could, but alas, I too leave with heartbreak instead, haha.
        Cats do totally get it! Even my mom points out that it’s freaky how I understand my cats and how they’re weirdly loyal to me (even when I don’t have food); they definitely must be more evolved than ordinary humans :p

        Liked by 1 person

      2. alucardeverlasting Post author

        Exactly. And then I’m going to get a phone call from one of them when I’m fifty and I’m going to hang up lol XD

        Haha! Well you love your cats, nothing wrong with that! Cats are better than money in my opinion 😀

        You have that cat power! I trust animals and their opinion of humans much more than I trust actual humans. When they start barking and scratching at people for no apparent reason I get wary of the person lol. Superstition, maybe, but whatever. One day it might come in handy.

        Like

  2. bp7o9

    Yes. I always modify my behavior when around others (except my bro, who accepts who I am) because all my life I’ve picked up on clues that no, other people are not always comfortable around me. Had groups of people suddenly stop talking and look at me like they just realized they had a NUT JOB standing next to them after some comment I made. SO uncomfortable – especially when I think I’ve made a perfectly reasonable statement. But I don’t fit it. Anywhere. 50, unmarried, no kids, still into club music. Call me an oddball.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
    1. alucardeverlasting Post author

      I hate when people do that. Do they not understand that even if someone doesn’t have anxiety, that’s a sure way to make someone super uncomfortable? Sometimes I feel like people don’t even know how they react to things.

      Well hey, you’re different, and that’s awesome. The fact that you still rock out to club music is even more awesome.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      1. bp7o9

        lol! I still make and sell club music. It’s my thing.

        I don’t get people in general. Why they do what they do, why they’re all assholes. It’s like only 2% of the population on this planet has actually ever put themselves in the other person’s shoes. They don’t think about long term stuff. They project their shit and deny their problems and call US sick. *shakes head* Don’t. get it.

        Liked by 1 person

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