A Classic Christmas Ending

You know that moment when you think Christmas is pretty much over and you’re alright with everything that went down? And then your boyfriend comes over and the PS4 he bought you and you get zapped into another dimension fighting alien bird things like what the fuck just happened?

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I did not expect that.

I love it. I mean, I didn’t know how to feel when I saw it.

That’s some money right there.

I spent well over a hundred on his but that’s nothing compared to the system brand new.  That’s one thing that’s hard about Christmas: when someone gives you a gift that’s worth a couple hundred more than yours and you’re like shit, I owe you a two hundred dollar gift now.

For someone like me, who’s inclined to believe she does everything wrong, it makes me feel like I’ve done something horribly wrong.

I know I haven’t. I know it’s the thought that counts. I know I have to personalize all my gifts and that’s why I spent eight hours working on the photos that went into the gift I got.

But it still feels like I didn’t do enough, not compared to a PS4.

I absolutely love this gift, it’s the best thing I’ve gotten for Christmas since I got my PS3.

But accepting it is hard. It’s hard for me to accept when people give me nice things. I don’t think there’s any way in hell I deserve any part of it. I end up thinking there’s nothing I can do to repay for my mistakes I mean . . . there just isn’t.

I get this from my dad and my depressive nature. He does the same things sometimes. He never buys anything for us during Christmas, mostly because he has no money, so when we give him things he sometimes goes into a rage. This Christmas he didn’t. No drinking, no anything, and when I presented him with the hand made drum I bought him he was ecstatic. At least I did one thing right today.

Of course I’m happy. Today has been amazing and it still is amazing.

But I feel so guilty. And like a complete idiot.

I mean obviously you can’t predict people’s gifts–well, I guess you can, every other year my mother buys me socks, but that’s besides the point.

This year was one of those years. I got a packet of socks. And this Chromebook.

But I can’t deny I needed socks. Every other year I’m completely out because I’ve lost them all. Where the hell do they go? I have no idea.

The point is, I’m an idiot who knows she’s not an idiot but feels like a complete jackass idiot.

I just suck at doing things right, I think. I don’t mean for this to be a whiny post, although I can feel a bit of a rant coming. I’m just trying to tell the truth. I try to do things right but then I end up fucking up and making myself look stupid and sometimes I wish I could read people’s minds just so I’m absolutely sure everyone’s talking shit about me and my stupidity.

At least then I’ll know for sure. I’d always rather know for sure than to have to teeter back and forth between “yes, they’re thinking good things!” to “no, oh my God, you made an ass of yourself, they’re laughing at you” every other minute.

I’m probably not going to be able to sleep tonight.

And it’s not going to be because I’m playing video games.

Alright, it might partially be because I’m playing video games.

But it’s also because I just suck. I do. Sometimes I feel like I act like such an idiot and do the most stupidest things that I should just stick a gun to my head for being so damn dumb. Like . . . that’s the punishment. You’re so stupid, you just need to shoot yourself. Your stupidity is overwhelming the rest of society.

That’s just how it feels when I convince myself I’m doing everything wrong.

Obviously if I was going to shoot myself in the head, I would have done it by now.

I don’t even know how to get a gun.

They got airsoft guns at Big 5 but I don’t think that’ll do the job.

It’s good to get this kind of stuff out of yourself before it mucks up your senses. I know I’m not a horrible person, even though I feel like it, and I know I’m not stupid, even though I feel like it. It’s just a feeling. And tomorrow it might still be here, and the next day and the next and it might even stay until I give him something of equal or more value.

But when you think about it, it really comes down to money. I put a lot of thought and time into my gift–so did the people who assembled it–so hopefully that makes up for the extra two hundred, three hundred dollars that he spent over me.

I just don’t think I deserve it, that’s the main problem. I mean, what have I done? What do I do besides sit behind my computer and fill out applications no one ever takes me serious on? I don’t leave my house because it’s hard, I don’t shop for myself because it’s hard, I don’t like to be around people because it’s hard (and exhausting). i mean really, what do I do to deserve anything decent at all? Literally nothing.

That’s why I think people call me a loser, because I kind of am one. It’s probably a subconscious thought floating around my head.

Then I think about shooting myself in the head because I feel like I’ve been a cheap jerk even though–hey, it wasn’t cheap alright. That was most of my budget. But regardless of the money, I feel cheap and stupid and it makes me want to shoot myself even though I’m so happy with what I’ve got and how today has went. I mean, that’s the hallmark of a loser, right?

Ugh.

Calling yourself a loser is something a loser does as well. So I mean, I prove my point pretty fiercely.

If anything, he deserves the whole world and a lot better than me. 

Tell me how much of a loser I am in the comments.

No, really, I’m not being sarcastic. I need to know it. Maybe it’ll motivate me to not be a loser.

Who am I kidding? HA!!!!!!!!!!! Once a loser, always a loser.

There are days and times I’m just overwhelmed with the amount of things that hold me back–the anxiety, the depression, the introverted nature that makes me want to ignore the real world and live in my head, and I know they come with disadvantages and I know those disadvantages are why I consider myself a loser. It all makes perfect sense. It’s a full circle.

I’m working on them but it’s not going to be instantaneous. It’s going to be months, years. Honest to God, even though I’m not religiously affiliated, I think–I know–my boyfriend deserves much better than me. It’s not because of tonight. It’s just because of everything.

I’m just a fuck-up.

I thought it was a lie when people said it’s hard to love someone else when you don’t love yourself. It really is. How are you supposed to accept them and love them and let them in when you can’t do any of that to yourself?

I don’t ever want to leave him. But I don’t know why he doesn’t want to leave me. What is so special about me? I’m funny yeah, but I’m a loser! I just don’t get it. I’m really, genuinely shocked.

On another note, at least I don’t fuck up on games. Speaking of which, this one looks fun as shit. I am the happiest, saddest girl on earth right now. I’m going to murder fools in this game like no fools have ever been murdered in a game before.

L.O.L at these downloads though. Had to do a system update, except, with the internet speed of my phone, it would have taken nine hours. So I download it for PC. With the internet speed from my phone it would have taken 4 hours. So I had to get another free hour of Gay ass Xfinity Wifi from Comcast to download the Ps4 update, put it on my flashdrive, upload the update to the PS4 through the flashdrive, and then let it restart.

Even my new toy is telling me I’m fucking up tonight.

I just can’t stand myself sometimes. I should probably change that since, you know, I have to live with myself for the rest of my life.

 

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10 thoughts on “A Classic Christmas Ending

  1. Thank you for sharing. Coming from someone who struggles with similar feelings often—not just in these situations but without apparent cause, which might be familiar to you too—I can tell you that this post reminded me too much, almost eeriely, of things I have thought and said to myself. In academic situations or the workplace, feelings like this might be called “Imposter’s Syndrome”—but they don’t really have a word for it when in creeps into your personal, social, or romantic life. It’s frustrating.

    But I can also tell you, coming from someone who struggles with similar feelings, something you probably already know, but (if you’re like me) you sometimes have a hard time believing: you’re not actually a terrible person. You’re not a fuck-up and you don’t actually suck. I’m my experience, terrible people think very highly of themselves and people who fuck up all the time don’t believe they do. Just the fact that you care so much about the present you gave your boyfriend tells me something—a good something—about whether or not you’re deserving of him.

    I don’t like linking to articles in my comments because that seems spammy, but I did just write a piece about important things to remember when Christmas makes you feel like a shitty person. If you’re interested, it’s called “All That Glitters.”

    If not, then I just want to thank you for sharing your piece—it means something to me. I hope you do learn to like yourself. It’s a hard journey, but it’s possible.

    Also, if this comment is sent to be moderated, feel free not to publish it and think of it as a private message.

    Merry Christmas

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for commenting, and thank you for your kind words. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one out there, although it sucks that you’ve also dealt with similar feelings. It really is hard not to tell myself that I’m a terrible person sometimes and it sucks even more that I know my perception of myself is all messed up lol. It’s like i know what’s going on, I just have trouble not feeding into those negative feelings and thoughts. It’s become such a habit now. Like a trap.

      Thank you for sharing your post with me. It’s 6am and I’m about to finally go to bed so I’ll read it when I wake up haha. But I wanted to thank you for letting me know about it. Merry Christmas to you too, and Happy Holidays.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. So can relate to this post – I was feeling like this about five years ago. You want the bad news? In my heart I still don’t really get why my kids love me and my wife is still with me – she could do so much better – and I still think I am a loser. But what I have come to accept is that whatever my opinions are of myself, they don’t share them, and they like and love me, and as I love them and respect their opinions in general, I have come to accept their opinions of me may have some validity. It has taken me five years to get here though!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for sharing, at least I know I’m not completely insane by hearing other people’s experiencing with the same thought patterns. It’s funny because I can tell my perceptions of myself and who I am are completely different from what other people perceive me as, but it’s hard to believe people when they say nice things about me or do nice things for me, I always think it’s an act you know? Like they’re doing it so I don’t feel worse about myself. Something like that. I don’t know, its 6am and I’m ready to go to sleep for the night lol. But I like what you’ve done: accepting that your wife and kids have a much different opinion of you than you have and that they do love you. Five years is a long time, but I’m willing to go any amount of time to get to a healthier way of thinking about myself .

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Our problem is that because we have such bad perceptions of ourselves it’s just totally illogical to imagine that anybody would want to say anything positive, I remember conversations with my mum, ex girlfriend and wife over the years, I would always dismiss nice things they would say as they were biased! it’s far easier to believe they are making it up to make us feel better cos it fits our own negative world view. Maybe I was exaggerating the five years bit, time scales confuse me sometimes, but yes that reverse way of looking at things does help me a lot!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s really hard to accept that people want you in their lives. I’m 50 and I still struggle with it. I did have one epiphany a few years ago, when the tables were turned and someone I care about told me they thought I’d be better of without THEM. I finally understood how hard that is to hear, how much it hurts. It’s what I hold onto now. Because if someone takes the time to let me know how much they care – in ANY way – maybe they feel a little bit like I did.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That’s very true. Thank you for sharing your experience with these kinds of thoughts too. I really do want to get a healthier hold on how I see myself and stop thinking everyone hates me and is tired of me and that I’m a burden on them. I hope I can find something to hold on to like you did, to help me have a little bit of a revelation to get out of these nasty thought patterns. They’re ruthless!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. They ARE ruthless; you have my full empathy. And I still get there myself, but now when I’m there I recognize it as a ‘faulty thought pattern’. Gives me a little distance from it. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

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