Truths

The Advantage Of Social Anxiety Disorder and Controlling Your Hoe

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The Comcast company is not very smart. If they use their “WiFi access passes” as a way to show you their WiFi is one of the fastest, most brilliant WiFi channel out there (not that they have much competition in my area besides phone companies which are equally horrid and probably more expensive), they’re not doing a very good job. I paid for a week and half the time the WiFi is at full strength and I still can’t get a connection. It’s not my computer, I’ve used their WiFi on old and new computers and it’s always wonky as hell.

Back and forth, back and forth. I’m just saying; if you want to build customers, than impress us, the little guys, rather than shooting only for high paying customers. They’ve got enough money to go anywhere. Us little guys? We’re loyal. Once we find something we like, something we can depend on, we’ll stick with it for years. People with no sense of appreciation and bills flowing from their pocket don’t understand loyalty in terms of respect, only in terms of business. They’ll eventually leave you.

Even when we rented their router and paid for their internet, it was still all over the place. I guess you have to be a business to get strong WiFi in this day and age. Although I don’t know how they think they own something that’s all around us.

Well, I take that back . . . people think they have the right to own land because they supported that white dude, John Locke, and his philosophy that private property was essential for liberty. Half of these people who talk about liberty in terms of freedom obviously don’t know what freedom even means. If freedom means believing you have the right to tell people “we own this dirt and you can’t live on our land because you’re not a citizen” than I guess I’ve been living in la-la land all my life. I wasn’t aware the land gave a shit about citizenship.

No one cares to ask the land what it thinks about all this, that’s the problem.

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If there’s one thing I adore about having social anxiety, it’s that I have absolutely no problem with sitting back and just observing people. There’s so much you can learn, so much you can see, and even though I struggle with regular tasks like grocery shopping or hanging out with friends or making friends or speaking without blubbering like a fool, or walking down the street without thinking every person who passes me in a car is laughing at me or seeing how uncomfortable I am outside, or engaging with my boyfriend’s family like a “normal” person, or even engaging with my own family like a “normal” person, I wouldn’t trade any of it away.

Because I’ll tell you what: in this day and age, the ability to observe and listen and understand is a rare quality.

I have an ear tuned to a frequency most others don’t. That’s not being egotistical, that’s just the truth. Sure, humans are social creatures, and there are times I crave company–aaaaaaaaaaand my internet literally just went out. I swear to God Comcast, if I was a terrorist with murderous intention, you’d be the first place on my list next to the tobacco companies. I hope someone obscure googles “Comcast Internet Speeds” and finds this article and thinks twice about their purchase.

Anyway, as I was saying,  there are times I crave company. But I see so many people subject their identity to that of their “group” of their “homies” of their “peers” and I see them get lost and it bothers me. I’d rather be by myself than apart of a group. And that’s okay. Just because human’s are social creatures doesn’t mean we all have to be social twenty four seven.

Sometimes I hear the wrong tone in someone’s voice and I realize it’s my perception that’s wrong and that they aren’t really disgusted by me like my brain wants me to think. But other times, when I’m not so intimidated by the world, I can hear their voice and I know more about them than they think I do.

Literally and figuratively. Your voice says a lot about you. Tones have been the basis of language since the dawn of creation–in a lot of cultures sound created creation. It’s why if you learn Chinese from a woman and you’re a man, the men will laugh at you–you’ll sound like a woman just from the tones you use.

likeomgThere’s a woman who is a friend of my friend. She is our age and has a child and I remember going through junior high and high school with her. We were never friends, but I was thoroughly aware of her. I didn’t like her voice. I didn’t like the way she looked at people and I was (and am) wary of her presence. I hold no grudge against her for her early pregnancy or her marijuana usage or her laziness, but I do hold a grudge against her character. She has that high pitched tone that makes her rock her head with every word she says and when someone says something she agrees with she says “seeeerrrrrrriousssly” and stretches the word out longer than time itself.

We call these people Valley Girls. Just google it if you don’t know what I’m talking about. Regardless, I’ve met plenty of people with her voice who I liked. I got good vibes from. They were intelligent and witty and often underestimated because of their perceived “Valley Girl” attitude.

But people like this woman are the reason we diss people from the Valley around here. She talks in your face and then screams behind your back. She’s two-faced, she’s a player, she’s a liar, and her voice gives it all away.

I probably sound paranoid but from a young age I was taught to pay attention to the feeling in your gut about everything in life. So I pay attention to that uneasiness and that disgust I feel when I’m around her. I’ve felt it since Junior High. She’s never done a thing to me besides talk shit about my driving one night when a group of five of us were heading out to a Halloween Event. I was being slightly cautious, as I was using my mother’s car which had been having mechanical issues recently and had literally just came from the shop hours before. This girl sat in the back seat and kept commenting on the routes I took and how long it was taking and muttered things passive-aggressively under her breath and when I finally said “what the fuck you say?” she glanced up with big eyes and said “Huh? Oh, what?” innocently. My other friend told me to stop and I gave her a deathly stare and said control your hoe before I need to.

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I didn’t actually say that, but I was thinking it. I was a way angrier person back then than I am now (surprisingly) and would have easily pulled that car over and beat her face in.

That would be ruthless and horrible and I probably would have got a kick out if. Don’t ever underestimate the quiet ones.

Even still, I can’t call her a bad person, I can only say the negative feeling she gives me is unwavering.

She gossips with my friend on an unending basis, and when my friend is around her, she changes. My friend says what she needs to in order to comply with this woman’s beliefs and she imitates this woman’s voice even. Their conversations never had substance to them and it’s why I’ve distanced myself from many of my old “friends”.

I’m different than a lot of people. I like to feel things and day dream and spend a record amount of alone time just thinking about life and that freaks people out. They don’t like the fact that I’m willing to think about my integrity when I apply for a job. They don’t like the fact that I talk shit about the world and corporations and just stupidity in general and that’s okay; they can keep their eyes closed and their tail tucked if they so please. Like I said, I’m a feisty socially anxious person.

If there’s one thing social anxiety has given me in return for all the suffering it’s caused, it’s sight and it’s sound. It’s like Ben Underwood who heard what we could never hear and used echolocation to get around. It’s like Derek Paravincini, the musical savant, who could replay every note of an orchestra piece on a piano after hearing it just once.

People feel bad for me when I say I have trouble holding a job and making friends, I know this because they always say “I’m sorry”. What they don’t know is that I grieve much more for them than I do for myself. I have my moments, we all do, but I’ve been given a gift through this pain and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Yes, I have a lot to work on.

But they have a lot more to work on and they don’t even realize it.

 

About AlishiaDee (372 Articles)
Alishia D. is a blogger, a beginning novelist, and a counselor at 2nd Story Peer Respite house where diagnostic labels and the culture of mental health is long forgotten. She's a mental health peer who has bounced through as many labels as she has doctors, and enjoys being sarcastic when she can. She also hates writing in 3rd person.

4 Comments on The Advantage Of Social Anxiety Disorder and Controlling Your Hoe

  1. I have mental health issues as well and I am very observant. I see things that others can’t and they can’t believe how easy for me to figure out some people. I am smiling sometimes how some people fake and putting their masks on.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I know what you mean my bedroom is my hideout some days, my retreat, my space to be who I am, other days it’s a life sentence prison term. I have always set back and been the one when in social situations that hates to say no, that people take my kindness as weakness. I have learned so much about people in this way also. I choose my prison over being around certain people now, I’ve given ever chance I have to them to realize I am the one helping them all the time, they wouldn’t piss on me if I was on fire! I am ridding myself of those people finally after years of watching them steal from me, when I am giving to them freely! I see that there are some people so fake and self absorbed that they truly think they’ve been good to me, the delusion is so overwhelming! I am really enjoying getting these toxic people out of my life now. I feel lighter, even happy! I know my bedroom will always remain all those things to me. At least now I am more at peace with it because I am not tormenting myself with hours of thoughts about me, why I let these people treat me so badly! I know at times I felt pity for them but it was turning into hate. That hate was only going to hurt me, it will eat you up from the inside out like cancer! Now with them completely out of my life I can forgive them and heal myself! Forgiveness is for us so we aren’t infected with the deadly virus of hate! I really loved your post, I could literally feel myself in that car with you and finally doing just what you did! Freeing isn’t it? 🤗

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sometimes that’s just the way it is: there are people worth being around and people not worth being around and I know what you mean when you say you feel lighter and happier; I did too once I got rid of those people who I obviously no longer needed in my life. All of it is freeing, I agree. I’m often happier by myself than with people anyway lol. Thanks for your commentary 🙂

      Like

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