A or B? I Choose Fuck You


I’m in the middle of filling out an application that asked me to choose between two A and B statements. These are some examples:

“It’s difficult to be cheerful when there are so many problems to take care of” and “I could lead a small team of people but leading an entire department would be too stressful”.

And “I have difficulty building social relationships” or “I sometimes lose hope when things are not going well”.

“I prefer to let others make the important decisions at work” or “It’s hard to stay focused when so many things are happening around me”

“I rarely make an effort to learn something new unless I have to” or “I don’t think the low performers at my job will ever improve”

“Being a leader is stressful, so I prefer to be a good follower” or “I try to avoid things I’m not very good at”

“When bad things happen, it is hard for me to believe things will get any better” or “I often get angry and overreact to situations”

And then at the end they had the audacity to ask me if their assessment left me with a favorable impression of the company.


I know you should try and make yourself sound like a self-loathing sheep with theoretical confidence in the workplace willing to bow down to the shiniest of corporate blood suckers, but I have a really hard time with that. I don’t value degrading my integrity for a job that pays minimum wage. So I mixed it up a bit and answered truthfully to my values. Will I get the job? Who knows. There were about seventy five questions, I doubt they read every single answer.

Maybe they just have a machine that rates on a scale from one to ten how dumb and sheepish the applicant is so they don’t have to do any of the work.

They need workers. It’s the holiday season. They would take a mentally challenged monkey with the insatiable urge to fling feces across the store if it meant having an extra two hands. Who gives a shit if the customers step in it and track it all over the floor–they have custodians for that–and who cares if the customer is sick of the smell; as long as they leave the store with fifty name brand products they could have gotten for thirty percent cheaper online, none of that matters.

The one choice that pissed me off the most?

“Being a leader is stressful, so I prefer to be a good follower”.

What the actual fuck. Who wakes up and says something like that to themselves? Oh, I think I’ll be a follower today and just do what I’m told, even if I’m told to shoot someone in the face by a strange masked man, I guess I’m a good follower so I’ll do it, hurr durr.


It just astounds me. Why wouldn’t they want someone with a good mind and a good heart who can tell them where they’ve screwed up? Who can give them input? Who can see a problem from a mile away and be willing to speak up about it? Why wouldn’t you want someone with leadership qualities? Who said every person who wants to be a leader wants your piece of shit job? Are these corporate offices really so insecure about themselves that they think anyone with leadership qualities is going to burst through the top of the ladder and shove them off their own pedestal? For fuck’s sake, I just need some extra dough to help me pay back school, I don’t want your crappy job, I have my own career to attend to.

Doesn’t mean I’m going to tuck my tail between my legs and whine like an abused puppy.

Just because I have social anxiety and “have difficulty building social relationships” does not mean I’m not feisty. I’m pretty feisty.

Anyway, I answered like a good worker bee (although I deviated on a few) and I’m honestly expecting a call back pretty soon. It’ll be nice to have more of a steady income for a job I know I can handle. I know I can handle being in the back room preparing items to be put on the floor and then sometimes taking them out onto the floor. If a customer needs to ask me where something is and that’s the most interaction I have with people, I’ll be a happy camper.

I refuse to work register ever again in my life. What an excruciating existence.

It Was Similar To This, Except The Drill Was In My Brain.

At least until I’m more comfortable around people.

I think I’m often misunderstood when I say “I can’t do that” in regards to jobs where you’re expected to be around a lot of people. I obviously know I can do it, but without the proper tools to squelch my anxiety, I’d just end up leaving the job within a month. I know myself pretty well, I’m good at avoidance; I’ve been doing it my whole life.

I need to take some baby steps here. Slowly but surely wiggle my way into these strange people’s reality and get used to shit. It’s going to take time and effort and I’m probably going to cry a lot and be angry a lot and feel worthless a lot and want to give up, but that’s withdrawal from any addiction; it’s inevitable.

My addiction is my comfort zone. And just like most people who are fully aware of their addiction, I just can’t stop on my own. I can’t quit cold turkey.

I want to, but I can’t. I’m impatient. It’s one of my strong weaknesses. You know, like the one’s they ask you to lie about in interviews.

“What’s your biggest weakness?”

“I’m lazy as fuck, I hate people, and half the time forget to take a shower.”

I want a job run by people who appreciate my honesty.