Math Puns Are The First Sine Of Madness

Ha, get it. Sine. Ha.

As you can guess, I should be working on my essay right now, and I will–I finished the introductory paragraph last night. That’s . . . that’s a start, right?

Professors don’t understand: when you have the tendency to wake up and not know how you’re going to feel or what you’re willing to tolerate for the day, it’s hard to complete assignments. That’s what drove me over a cliff this semester. It’s been bubbling up for a while and I got tired of suppressing this madness, so instead I’m riding it like a wave and although I regret dropping those classes (only because I have to retake them, fuck), I don’t regret taking time for myself. It’s better to do it now at this college than to transfer to a university and do it there. That’s what junior colleges are for. I can handle paying back $1500, I cannot handle paying back $30,000.

I keep reminding myself that my goal is not tarnished just because I’m taking it a little slow. Medical school isn’t going to deny my entry because I didn’t apply a year sooner. They might deny me when I give these answers on the MCAT:

Don’t Drink and Derive kids, it’s dangerous.

I’ve got so much time to myself now. When I’m not curled in the ball on the floor or obsessing over death, or freaked out about the fact that job people could call me at any moment and I’ll have to improvise on the spot without sounding like a complete moron, I let my mind wander to other things.

Other things like holly shit it’s going to take days to download photoshop and lightroom.

But also more important things, like loud mouths.

I have a loud mouth, I know I do. Yes, I’m socially anxious, but hey piss me off enough and you better pull out your titanium sword and slap on your iron armor and silver cup, because shit will go down.

But other people . . . the people who’s loud mouth they use to get attention, kind of like Trump and Carson or the Westboro Baptist Church. I can’t fathom being that obsessed with myself.

What it boils down to is lets see 1) how much attention I can bring to myself, 2) how far I can go before I crash and burn 3) how convincing my lies can get. It’s not as if these people aren’t aware of how ridiculous they sound. It’s not as if Trump doesn’t know deporting 11 million “immigrants” in one swoop is physically impossible, it’s not as if Carson doesn’t know being Gay isn’t a choice (I also 100% doubt his Christian faith; he’s a pathological liar and he’s not good at it), it’s not as if politicians don’t know controversy brings supporters. If they can back up their lies in the name of good old fashion “American Values”, they’re going to gain supporters regardless of whether or not their words are truthful.

That’s why I’ve said make mental health controversial. Screw trying to “reduce stigma” with little selfies of your medication, what’s that going to do? Seriously, be honest. What’s it going to do? I don’t even remember the people’s faces I saw who did those selfies. They made an impact on social media for the duration of a blink, or the length of a “snap-chat”.

I’m sick of labeling people who slap stereotypes on us (Amazon, Target, whatever; your family, your friends, whoever,) as people who are “misinformed” and watching people with mental disorders combat their ignorance with “look at me, I’m just as normal as you, #selfie #facebook #twitter #stopstigma #mentalhealthmatters” or whatever.

Sure, they could use some education, and I’m all for education them on the subject of mental health. However, these jokes and sayings by these companies (especially) are deliberate. The idea to put “Dorthea Dix Psych Ward” on a Halloween costume didn’t fall out of the sky. Media perpetuating the idea that mental disorders are the prime reason behind mass shootings/stabbings did not plummet from a cloud into a reporter’s hands. It’s misinformation but it’s also blatant disrespect and I don’t know about you, but I get pretty angry when I’m disrespected.

I’m not a huge fan of “an eye for an eye”. However, if you’re so disrespectful that you blind yourself to how disrespectful you actually are, I might need to take an eye for you to get it.

So let’s start a controversy.

If it’s one thing companies never do is take responsibility for their actions. Saying they take responsibility for their actions is not actually taking responsibility for their actions, just like saying you accept yourself for who you are is not actually accepting yourself. So the next time some big shot says something stupid on twitter or Facebook or puts out a dumb sweater or Halloween costume, don’t disregard it as a need to inform the masses. Yes, we do need to inform the masses but the only way to stop a toddler from purposefully breaking dishes on the floor over and over again is to punish them for it; condition them into understanding that what they’re doing is unacceptable.

Since we’re dealing with adults who act like children, we have the right to get in their face, point a million fingers at them and call them disrespectful, reveal their lack of common sense, and back up our argument with facts and information.

In my eyes, the idea of “rude” goes out the window when the truth is involved.

I’m pretty sure I’ve said things in posts that people go “what the fuck, that’s messed up” in their head while they’re reading and that’s alright with me, everyone is entitled to their opinion.

So with that, I have a confession to make:

There’s a reason I’m aggressive. I’m slightly power-hungry.

Okay . . . a lot power-hungry. In my mind, I prefer to be the authoritarian than the worker.

I can get pretty arrogant and I’ll manipulate whoever’s in my way of getting something I want. If I didn’t have social anxiety, I’d probably be one of those people jumping around from town to town with different aliases robbing people blind because they’re too stupid to notice what I’m doing. I’d recreate my own meaning of respect and immerse myself in the idea that “human rights” are socially constructed for the control of masses rather than “natural” or “innate”.

Alas, I’m too scared of people to make an attempt at acting on that level of confidence. And alas, I’ve been cursed with a pretty loud moral compass and I’m fully aware that treating people with that level of disrespect does not promote harmony.

That doesn’t stop the urges.

When you grow up in a house where you’re rarely respected, it becomes a bit of a habit to want to assert yourself in other situations.

And that’s where writing comes in handy. All those people who write into “Ask A Therapist” about their urges to kill people should start writing fiction or something. Put all that unnecessary rage onto the shoulders of a character before you stab that poor jogging chick.

I don’t have urges to kill people. I think . . . I think that should be noted here.

Perhaps these companies should also put their stereotypical designs into characters, into a personal journal, something that can carry the burden of their stupidity so we don’t have to.

Okay, I need to finish this essay. If I was jumping around from town to town with different aliases I wouldn’t need to be writing a fucking essay right now, would I? Shit man, that life just keeps looking better and better.

16 thoughts on “Math Puns Are The First Sine Of Madness”

  1. As a fan of math, I enjoyed the math jokes! As for the stigma bit… I think every little thing counts, even if it’s a stupid selfie. You never know who you can help. I speak out and I want to end the stigma even if no one listens. If even just one person is helped by what I say, that is good enough for me. So, while yes, people don’t care and aren’t going to listen, and yes, the media does make fun of us, I’m not going to stop trying to stop the stigma. I’m here to help those who want help – I’m here for people like us who struggle with mental illnesses. If non-mental health sufferers relate and are benefitted too, then great. If not, my goal was to raise awareness or reach out to

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oops, I hit send… Anyway, my goal is to reach the ones who are suffering and to tell them that they’re not alone. So no, I don’t think trying to stop stigma and raise awareness is a waste of time.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sorry for all the multiple posts. I wish I could edit comments. One last thing… I was in denial over my condition 6 months ago until I saw one of those little articles that are meant to educate. I don’t know if anyone else was touched by it, but I was. And it was because if that article that I decided I needed help. And I’m all the better for it. I understand your frustration over the issue. I am too. But don’t give up hope. There’s always someone who can be encouraged by our education.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. lol the multiple posts are fine, it’s alright! And of course, I’m 100% behind re-education and I’m certainly not saying fighting stigma is a waste of time or anything, but I don’t feel selfies are very effective and I see a lot of people are cliche with their method of fighting it–I mean you can tell someone a million times not to slap you and the next thing they do when they see you is slap you. I love that people are trying to come up with effective ways to combat ignorance, and hey so am I, but I don’t think we’ve found a very effective one yet. And I agree with you, reaching people on a personal level and strengthening us as people struggling with our mental health I think is way better than trying to force the outside society to change; they’ll change with us. But for those who do think they can change society, well . . . selfies aren’t the way lol.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Ahhh I see. I understand you better now. As I was commenting, I thought to myself, “Maybe I’m not understanding what she really meant…” and glad to have that clarified. Yes, that’s why I don’t think I’m going to care so much if people don’t change. What I care about is the lives I can help change even if it just because they saw an art piece I did for mental health, even if it’s just because I said something to them… I don’t think society will change. Especially not when people lose their shit over a red cup and not all the social issues around them…

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    1. Lol oh for sure, I’m glad to have clarified it; if anything I didn’t make it clear enough in the post lol. My brain is so scattered half of what I say is part one thought and the other half is a different thought lol. But definitely, changing one life is just as important. Oh man, that red cup thing; it’s a blatant example of how eager we are to fly off the handle for something tiny so we don’t have to face all the social issues around us, like you say. We just hop from scapegoat to scapegoat and act like that’s how the world should be. That’s why I get so frustrated; I exaggerate a lot of things so I basically have vivid fantasies of Tom Cruising myself into corporate offices through the ceiling and slapping them with my seventeen arms. I just want to do something about it NOW lol. Too impatient.

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  5. I know how that feels. My ADHD makes it impossible for me to stay on task sometimes and conversations with me are usually quite tedious if you are pretty linear. That’s why my husband is so frustrated with me. He’s autistic (Asperger’s) so it’s really hard for him to have a proper conversation with me sometimes.

    Anyway, yes! The media also tries very hard to distract people to make sure we don’t get too involved with the more important issues. After all, why would we want to change things, right? Why cure when we can just medicate, right? Anyway, I digress.

    And yes, me too! I always want to do things now too! But impulsivity is definitely my problem.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh wow, I can see why that could get a little difficult!!
      Yeah they do; sometimes I feel that’s all they literally stand for is just a distraction from reality. And then they call the people trying to actually come up with treatments that don’t just dope people up “radicals”. Oh yes, treating someone like a human is very radical, very radical indeed lol.
      lol! It really can get annoying. But I mean . . . it can have it’s advantages, so I’ll stick with seeing those instead haha.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah. We’re still learning how to deal with each other. This week we’re showing some improvements which is good. I think we’re both taking steps towards recovery.

        It does have its advantages – so long as you don’t look back in regret for what you’ve done. Hehe… I find that difficult. Need to quit the self doubts.

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  6. Curse you moral compass! *shakes fist at sky* lol I can relate to what you are saying here…especially with the attempts to “stop the stigma” . You’re right, it takes more than selfies showcasing your medications…I believe the intentions behind things like that, in the beginning, are honest and good…but your job isn’t done there…like oh hey here’s a picture of me with my meds…and then drop those meds on the floor and say “Peace!”…my work here is done…. lol hopefully that visual played out here the way it did in my head lol Anyhooo I feel in order to diminish stigma you have to live it and be a good example to yourself and others. Mental illness or not…we’re all human ( although I have my doubts about that at times lol) I take flack many times for being “too nice”…that’s the kind of world we live in…being “too nice” makes people angry….WTF….but you know why? Because there are a lot of people out there who don’t want to look in the mirror…and being around someone who gives their kindness freely is threatening to those who just want to stay “mad”…and then try to flip kindness into a negative…”Instead of..”She’s so nice” It turns into “She’s so fake”…ugh I could babble on here but getting back to my point…you’re awesome and thanks for posting this and making me think and ramble 🙂 xo

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    1. haha very true, their intention was great but it just kind of falls through in the end which is sad really. Living it is important, which is also why those people who do those selfies can eventually learn to live that way–if they keep telling themselves and their followers that they want to, eventually they will lol. I hope. Oh I know what you mean about the too nice thing–like would they rather you be in their face slapping them or something? Lol. I think it’s amazing you give your kindness so freely like that, we need more people in the world who do that. I try but ehhhhh I fall short very, very often lmao. So thank you for that 😀

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Awww (((hugs))) is someone getting warm and fuzzy? 😉 lol no doubt in my mind you’re an awesome person <3…and trust me I have been burned just giving away kindness…there is a balance needed there for sure…this might sound morbid but my philosophy is this…everyone gets a rope…I hand out rope freely…you can do many wonderful helpful things with rope…or…you can hang yourself with it…ultimately that person has to decide what they are going to do lol and you're so right! I think people would rather have a slap in the face than a good dose of kindness…sometimes people need both I think lol You don't fall short my friend….you keep it real and we need more people like THAT in the world 🙂 So thank you for THAT 😀 How about them apples? Yeah that's right…I said it….wanna fight about it? 😉 lol

        Liked by 1 person

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