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Truths

Just Thoughts

I slept a good twelve hours today and I’m still tired, but I’m feeling a little better despite the overwhelming feeling that something bad is going to happen. That’s a norm, too. I’m not unfamiliar with the realm of feeling suicidal or harming myself or anything like that but I am unfamiliar with pulling myself out of it. I’ve been trying this time. Instead of forcing myself to “think positive” (whatever the hell that means; seems as vague as having pride for being a “good worker”), I thought about the things I wouldn’t be able to do if I killed myself. I wouldn’t be able to write–wholly shit, that was a whammy. I’m like damn son, if I can’t write then what the fuck? What if I float in purgatory with a ghost pen that doesn’t write on any type of ghost paper and I’m forever doomed to a wispy existence without the ability to record my thoughts. That realization keeps me here another day.

I would say something about missing my family, my boyfriend, e.t.c., because I would, but when you’re depressed (at least when i’m depressed) you already think everyone around you is better off without you. So it didn’t make much sense to use them as a reason to stay because I would have to try and convince myself that I needed them. The last thing I want to do when depressed is try and convince myself not to be depressed. I’d rather try and find a reason to enjoy things again. That’s the scariest part for me, is that fact that I can’t enjoy things like I used to. So I try and force myself into them to make me enjoy them again and that didn’t work. instead, I played Minecraft because that takes a very, very minimal amount of brain power and it has a creative element to it; get those juices flowing again that I know I have. So that’s what I’ve been doing for these last few days.

Don’t really have a lot to say today, makes sense I guess.

Until next time.

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About AlishiaDee (378 Articles)
Alishia D. is a blogger, a beginning novelist, and a counselor at 2nd Story Peer Respite house where diagnostic labels and the culture of mental health is long forgotten. She's a mental health peer who has bounced through as many labels as she has doctors, and enjoys being sarcastic when she can. She also hates writing in 3rd person.

15 Comments on Just Thoughts

  1. I can’t enjoy anything at all. Everything makes me feel totally indifferent. I can’t change this no matter how hard I try, I don’t really want to if I’m honest.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. hope everyone feeling this way gains the courage to reach out for help. you will get through it, it will pass. I’m sorry 😦 it’s so fucking shit at the time.

    Liked by 1 person

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