Just Thoughts

I slept a good twelve hours today and I’m still tired, but I’m feeling a little better despite the overwhelming feeling that something bad is going to happen. That’s a norm, too. I’m not unfamiliar with the realm of feeling suicidal or harming myself or anything like that but I am unfamiliar with pulling myself out of it. I’ve been trying this time. Instead of forcing myself to “think positive” (whatever the hell that means; seems as vague as having pride for being a “good worker”), I thought about the things I wouldn’t be able to do if I killed myself. I wouldn’t be able to write–wholly shit, that was a whammy. I’m like damn son, if I can’t write then what the fuck? What if I float in purgatory with a ghost pen that doesn’t write on any type of ghost paper and I’m forever doomed to a wispy existence without the ability to record my thoughts. That realization keeps me here another day.

I would say something about missing my family, my boyfriend, e.t.c., because I would, but when you’re depressed (at least when i’m depressed) you already think everyone around you is better off without you. So it didn’t make much sense to use them as a reason to stay because I would have to try and convince myself that I needed them. The last thing I want to do when depressed is try and convince myself not to be depressed. I’d rather try and find a reason to enjoy things again. That’s the scariest part for me, is that fact that I can’t enjoy things like I used to. So I try and force myself into them to make me enjoy them again and that didn’t work. instead, I played Minecraft because that takes a very, very minimal amount of brain power and it has a creative element to it; get those juices flowing again that I know I have. So that’s what I’ve been doing for these last few days.

Don’t really have a lot to say today, makes sense I guess.

Until next time.

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15 thoughts on “Just Thoughts

    1. How come you don’t want to change it? is it just comfortable for you now? I personally can’t stand it because I always feel like I need to do something and then get frustrated when I just don’t have the energy for it and I just can’t enjoy it.

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      1. I just don’t have the energy to do anything and I don’t see the point I’m not going to enjoy it, it’s probably not going to benefit me in anyway. I’m even getting to the point where I don’t have energy to eat I have to force myself to eat proper food

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      2. I understand, I’m having issues not having the energy to eat as well. However, I think it’s important to remember the more you say you can’t enjoy it the more you won’t. I mean, I’m in the same boat here, I’m having issues enjoying anything but I try to avoid saying I can’t. I still do (of course), but I try to avoid it. Mindset can be powerful. And of course it’s easier to say because my depression is lifting a little so I’m biased.

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      3. I hate being alone too. That’s what I think is so good about blogging. I mean I know we’re all through a screen but at least it’s some company. It’s okay though, we’ll both make it through this. It’s hard, but we can do it.

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      4. Well I mean, when we’re not happy with how we feel and we see that most other people around us look to be happy with how they feel, it can turn into feeling lonely. At least, that’s how I see it. If everyone else is enjoying things and having a good time and you can’t . . . it’s just as bad as being alone.

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