I went to the cliffs yesterday evening. I’m not sure if I want to share what I wrote or not. I might later, when I’m in a different headspace, but right now it would just be a constant reminder of how bad I wanted to leap off. Little did I know how crowded the cliffs in that area get in the evening. The sunset is amazing, it gave me something to focus on. I wish I had had a better camera than my piece of shit phone whose “8 MP” camera looks more like “.0001 MP up a dinosaur’s ass”.
That was one of my goals, you know? Get a new camera (the one I have is too basic and the video camera is too clunky) and start getting back into photography. I had so many amazing ideas and I had the confidence to do them, the motivation to start them, and the drive to carry through with them. Now that school is tanking I have no more hope and barely a thing to live for. I take education so seriously because it’s the only thing I’ve ever really succeeded at–plus it’s my largest income. I don’t want to be put on academic probation for fuck’s sake. I don’t want to pay them back half of what they’ve paid me.
Well, it’s too late for all that, I’ve made my decision and that’s that. Sometimes I don’t even feel like I’m the one in my head making the decisions, I really don’t.
It’s funny how my phone knows exactly what depressing songs to play when I’m depressed. Looks like it’s gotten used to my mood swings too. Like I’ve said before, I’m big on my connection to inanimate objects, I’ve always had an obsessive thing with them since I was little, that they exist in life much like we do. Whatever, it probably makes me sound like a loon. Honestly, I don’t care anymore.
That “relaxation” I smoked a day ago or whatever was much stronger than what I’ve usually had I think, because my curtains turned blood orange (and it wasn’t sunset) and I thought it was the apocalypse so I almost hid under my desk. So I don’t think I’ll be using that kind any time soon.
Anyway, this is what I watched last night via my dinosaur-ass phone:
I think the creepy part about this is if you know what that dark boat sinking in the water behind the wharf is, than you know the town I live thirty minutes from. If you don’t know what it is . . . well I’ll just tell you. It’s a cement boat. Yes, a cement boat. I used to play on it as a child until it got too dangerous for people to go on. Now it just sits there sinking, fenced off. The birds love it. It’s covered in seagull shit.
Well, that was my night last night. I still feel shitty and I’m sleeping ten, eleven hours again, so I should feel rested, right? Wrong! Oh so very, very wrong! So fucking wrong on so many fucking levels!!!
Plus every little thing is irritating me today. I just want to sit at my computer and feel like shit, I don’t need people (meaning my parents because who the fuck else would it be) walking in and out of my room! Just let me fucking wallow alone, for fuck’s sake!! It’s not like anyone is ever willing to walk into my room (“Friends” included) and say “hey, wanna talk?” or anything. No, they just act like it’s something they don’t know how to deal with so therefore I should deal with it on my own. No offer to talk, no offer of hugs or even a “what’s wrong?”. If being on the brink of offing myself isn’t enough to get even an offer of a hug, than I’m just not going to get one. So if that’s how everyone wants to act then fucking leave me alone. Don’t call me, don’t text me, don’t ask me for weed, don’t ask me for shit.
It’s funny how when you just need to feel loved people are suddenly busy.
But oh, when they need to talk I’m supposed to drop all my shit and pay my fullest attention. Fuck that shit. Go sit in a corner and talk to a wall because I’m done with this shit.
Anyway, I don’t know what else to write, I might just go back to sleep.