I didn’t use to believe it, but depression is eerily comforting.
I can feel it poking its head over the horizon like a groundhog popping its head out of a hole on the prairie.
I wish I had a furry animal to cuddle and love and who would want to cuddle and love me back, mostly because I’m it’s source of food and shelter but what the hell, I can handle being used. That’s what sucks about living in a small apartment; they don’t let you do shit.
No one wants to be depressed, I know I don’t, but really I’ve spent more of my life depressed and anxious than I have “happy” (whatever that means) and content. It’s more comfortable floating in that state of uneasiness, confused on whether I want to live but sure on the fact that I don’t want to die, and certain only on the fact that this pain exists, than it has ever been for me to be productive or a student or a part of the community.
School is becoming a chore rather than something I enjoy and I know that’s dangerous. This morning I woke up thinking it was Saturday (I’m dead serious over here), so I went back to sleep and woke up like shit today isn’t Saturday. So I missed my morning class yet again. I don’t have the energy to deal with it, I don’t have the motivation to study for my Wednesday test, and I feel like I should care about it all but I don’t. I think that’s what’s bugging me the most. I just don’t give a fuck.
Of course I’ll scramble at the last minute today, I’ll study as much as I can, I’ll get my homework done, but it’ll be like someone’s chained me to the wall, whipped me with one of those freaky kinky leather strap whip things, then attached electrodes all over my skin to shock some energy into me so I can scribble a few bullshit lines on a piece of paper and call it a day. I love learning. I hate college. These are two facts I wish meshed together better than they do.
I only hate college when I’m depressed–which isn’t all that weird considering what depression is. I felt good last week, I got some shit done, I was studying, I was understanding, and now it’s all gone. The energy is gone, the determination is gone, the hope that I can actually finish out this semester is gone. It’s all been hallowed out with an ice cream scoop. So now I’m just an empty sack of nothing spending her days watching cats on YouTube and wondering what tasty food stuff I can shove down my face hole.
I told my brain:
“Brain, whatever you do, don’t be a bitch for once. We almost have everything caught up. Don’t dick me over. I don’t need depression right now.”
My brain replied:
“I’d never be a dick to you, don’t worry, I got you.”
So we went on our merry ways getting through the anxiety attack from Thursday and sleeping away Friday to catch up on all the hours I missed that week. Then I woke up and I felt it. I told my brain:
“Brain . . . you’re starting to feel a little squishy. What’s . . . what’s going on up there? I thought we had this?”
My brain replied:
“I got this. Don’t even trip. Don’t even trip.”
I started tripping. The next morning I said,
“Brain something’s going on. Don’t lie to me. Your thoughts aren’t right, they’re all pitiful and sad. What’s the matter with you?”
My brain replied:
“We’re worthless. Just quicken my end already.”
I facepalmed, and grumbled,
“Damnit brain, I don’t have time for this!”
My Brain wailed,
“Exactly! So do it! Shoot me! Put me out of my misery!” (Cue brain sobs) “We’ll never get through this, it’s all pointless, you’re pointless, I’m pointless, life is pointless, if . . . if you won’t shoot me, at least punch something. Bang your head on the wall. Burn yourself. Something!”
I said very blatantly,
“Fuck off, brain.”
Brain proceeded to whine and complain and cry and feel sorry for itself. So I’ve been dragging this body around from day to day this weekend without any help from my brain. It’s completely checked out. And we were so close. You don’t even want to hear the conversation I’ve had with my body: oh it’s pissed. It’s sick of sitting around all day, it’s sick of feeling tired all day, and it knows I can do something about it and it knows how hard I’ve been fighting and it’s starting to lose hope too. It’s done trying to keep up with life and so am I.
Funny cat videos solve everything, right?