This weekend’s depression was not random, it was brought on by stress of this semester that I’ve been fighting ever since it’s begun. I took on a load that I knew I couldn’t handle and it’s biting me in the ass. Therefore, I’ve made the rather tough decision to drop two out of my three classes and retake them next semester.
One of my big reserves for doing this is that I hate feeling like a failure. I’m smart and I know it. It’s what makes me a little too arrogant sometimes. Calc isn’t hard, Chem isn’t hard, but they are both a lot of work and juggling the stress and the depression and lack of energy and lack of motivation and the anxiety makes it nearly impossible to keep up. So I find myself questioning whether this is the right path for me. I know I want to go into psychiatry with a focus in children/adolescents; that will always be my passion. But the path to that man, is fucking rough.
My second big reserve for doing this is money. I get my classes, books, and living expenses (even though I live with my parents) paid, and they’re not going to be happy knowing I’m quitting 3/4ths of my schedule. I’ve been fighting with myself for a few weeks over them. I’ve come to the conclusion that they can have their fucking money back. I always tell people your health is the most important thing and that if your job puts that at risk or your classes or your whatever, then get away from it, and yet here I am dragging myself through mud and glass just so I can try and make everything perfect, just so I can done with school quickly and not seem like a failure. Well, I keep catching mini colds, my anxiety keeps me up at night, my depression keeps me up at night, and I still don’t have enough time to put all the energy needed into these classes. I have to face the blaring fact: these classes are hurting my mental health. It’s time to pull out.
If I wasn’t so serious right now, I’d make a sexual joke about that.
Anyway, I know I exaggerate things. I know for some reason I feel my entire career and my entire life rides on my chem class and my calc class, like I’ll never reach my goal if I don’t pass them right this fucking instant and I’m learning to accept that is not a fact. I’m learning to accept that it’s alright to slow down, take some deep breaths, and know your limits. I’m learning to accept that I need to do some more work on myself before I can expect to exceed as much as I want to.
I’m very afraid of failure. Isn’t there a phobia for that?
Of course there is, there’s a phobia for everything these days. And who isn’t afraid of failure today? If you don’t live up to what everyone else wants you to live up to, you’re suddenly a failure. That makes mommy sad, daddy angry, and suddenly you’re the worst role model for your little brother who mommy says started smoking Crystal Meth because you dropped one of your classes in college. Damnit, You, look what you’ve done to Jimmy! He’s sticking himself with needles because you “couldn’t handle” Literature. It’s all your fault!
Everyone is obsessed with this thing we call “success”. But success is determined by you, I know this now. In order for me to be successful I need to be content, I need to have my mental health in order, and I need to be on my way to completing the schooling I want to do. That’s successful to me. If someone sees me as a “quitter” because I’m having to drop these classes, if they’re “disappointed”, than that sounds like a personal problem they need to deal with within themselves.
Obviously because I’m prone to anxiety, I get worried that I’m doing this avoid things. It’s one of the reasons why I’ve pushed myself to the breaking point this semester, because I don’t want school to be at the mercy of my maladaptive behaviors. I’ve decided this isn’t to avoid anything, this is one step backwards so I can take fifteen steps forward. It’s progress. It might seem backwards, but it’s progress.
I love math and science and I always will. But would I make a great nuclear chemist or theoretical physicist or any of that? Probably not, because I’ve realized that I don’t love math and science like I love psychology and writing. When I’m stressed I don’t go to math, I don’t go to chemistry, I go to my writing. I go to books. It’s what I find the most happiness in. It’s what I’ll always find the most happiness in. Writing can do a lot for others, and so can psychology; nuclear chemistry . . . eh, I don’t see what good coming up with a new element is doing the entirety of the world. That seems like more of a personal endeavor and I’m not that into myself. I guess you can put your name on element “HeadUpMyAssium” (Abbreviated, “Ha”) and go down in history but like I said, what good does that do anyone?
You can do a lot of things with science, I’m just poking fun at the ridiculousness. All these people trying to deconstruct life down to its very core, as if they’re ever going to come to a definitive answer. Life ain’t got time for that shit, humans. It’ll send you through so many twists and turns, so many mind-fucks, you’re going to wonder why you spent ten years in college and thirty years at NASA instead of laying on your back and appreciating the fact that you exist.
At any rate, that was what I spent my day thinking about. I’m sorry to my Chem Lab partner who is going to be left alone now. She’s awesome and I hope whoever I’m with next semester is just as awesome. I’m sorry to my math professor who had to grade through my depression (LOL SORRY BRO). Most of all I’m sorry to myself for not listening to my gut this summer saying “chill out; take your time” because it ended up being right. I need to slow down and take my time and realize that my passion for psychology isn’t going anywhere. As long as I have that, I’ll make it to my goal. It doesn’t matter how long it takes, I’ll make it.
I guess I made this post for me. I don’t do that very often, but it needed to be done. It’s helped me see a lot clearer.