I don’t know why I put myself around people. I honestly don’t.
I get lonely often, but I never crave for others to be around me to erase the loneliness, I just want someone to listen to how lonely I am.
I find that odd.
I’m not a people person. I’m content weekend after weekend hiding in my room with my music, my computer, and my writings; it’s what I enjoy. That’s my Saturday night and I love it. But whenever someone contacts me and I’m suddenly pulled into their social world and the outcome ends with me not feeling satisfied, I get even more lonely and spend the rest of the night wallowing in bed which is exactly what I don’t like to do.
I feel like I’m a needy person. At night I need someone around me to talk to me, or hug me, or assure me that I shouldn’t be scared of the dark (which I am deathly wary of) because at night is when I get anxious about the days to come, or enter a state of depression about what state I’m in, or get scared by the lonely silence in my room. I hate night time. Night time is the only time I crave the attention of people. Well . . . maybe one or two people, but no more than that. I need to be social at these times, it comforts me.
But in the day time they can just all go to hell. Let me hide in my room and be the happy hermit I am and just keep me out of the sunlight.
I might just be a vampire. Hmm.
I feel completely unwanted . . . which is odd because I only have one or two people I know. I feel like my social anxiety gets in the way of those people enjoying their time with me, and I feel like my depressions keep me from enjoying my time with them . . . or any time at all. I feel as though if someone feels they’re hurting my feelings, of which I can barely sort out myself half the time, I either get defensive and scare them off or I assure them they’re not so they don’t feel bad. I can never think of myself in these situations. If some manager disrespects me at a job I don’t hesitate to walk away and I’ll shove a couple middle fingers in their face while I’m at it, but if one of my peers or “friends” hurts me on a personal level I don’t think twice about it. I let them do it and I don’t tell them it hurts because. . . I don’t know why. I can’t express myself in spoken word and writing it all down to them just seems fucking weird. Just weird.
I have a feeling my obsession with power has something to do with it. If the person is above me I don’t really believe they deserve to be above me, so when they disrespect me I’ll get in their face. But if the person is on the same level as me, maybe I believe I deserve to be below them and therefore don’t care how much they degrade me.
Low self-esteem maybe? I can’t tell. I’m stuck between the issue of thinking I’m the shit and simultaneously a waste of space. I don’t know how that works, but it’s really causing a tug of war in my brain.
I guess this is why I get told I contradict myself a lot. I’m a living contradiction.
The low self-esteem stems from the social anxiety, that’s a no brainer. When I’m around people who have jobs and still go to school and have friends and all that, I feel less than them and I feel like they know I’m less than them. When people ask me if I work and I have to shake my head, I feel like they’re already calling me a loser without even knowing my name.
The other side of me doesn’t really give a flying fuck. It says: who cares if society thinks you should have a job or friends or any of that bullshit? Do what you want. Do what makes you comfortable.
Of course I have to work for money, it’s not an argument of necessity here, it’s an argument of whether or not I should view myself as a complete failure because I can’t easily do the things everyone else can, because I don’t want to make money in conventional ways, because if a manager asks me to do something I’m liable to tell them to fuck off if it I feel like they’re abusing their power.
I’m confused. I go through periods where I think I know who I am and then it gets completely shattered. There’s so many fragments of my self scattered along my brain and I don’t have the patience for a 500 piece puzzle. I jump back and forth between worthless, confident, arrogant, and just plain asshole and I don’t know which one is really me. I know I enjoy psychology, I know I enjoy writing, I know I enjoy music, I know I enjoy thinking, but I still don’t know who I am.
Right now it’s night time, it’s late, and I’m very lonely. I hate night time. I hate that sleeping isn’t comfortable, I hate feeling like I’m empty all the time, I hate never being satisfied with anyone, I hate having to remind myself all the time that I probably expect too much from people and then argue with myself that no, you’re being treated wrong, say something, and then argue again that no, you’re overreacting like always, let it be . . . I don’t know what thought to believe. I can’t ever tell if what I’m feeling or thinking is appropriate or not.
When it comes to social situations I’m at a complete loss. I can’t believe anything anyone says, I’m always asking for reassurance of them, I can’t ever tell someone that I feel hurt by them, I can’t ever understand why I prefer to be alone during the day but comforted at night, I don’t understand how people have conversations for hours about literally nothing, I don’t want to understand how they have conversations for hours about literally nothing, and I’m sick of feel so disconnected from anyone. I’ve never related to anyone I’ve ever met and I feel like I’m incapable of meeting anyone I can relate to on that deep of a level. Every person I’ve ever met I either feel is better than me (in which I cower), or worse than me (in which I exploit) and I’m not sure if I want to put in the effort of trying to understand people anymore.
Every person I meet I’m constantly searching for qualities that would make them better or worse than me. I’ve only recently realized this, so that’s all the insight I’ve got on it.
Even when I meet people in classes, I end up hoping I can develop a class buddy who won’t leave me for someone else, but they always do. I’m always a loner in classes. Everyone meets each other, becomes friends with each other, laughs with each other, relates with each other, and I’m stuck looking for the answer to the algorithm they seem to follow. It’s always the same. Always.
I don’t want to make friends, not entirely. I’d just like to appear normal.
I write a whole bunch on how “normal” doesn’t exist, and it doesn’t. But regardless, there are some days I wish I was just normal. That’s it. Just normal. Like everyone else.
The only thing that comforts me is the fact that I do like who I am, I like what I like, I like that I can watch everyone interact and take pretty accurate guesses at their personality, at their lives, at everything about them without ever having to speak with them. I like things about myself. I don’t like how I have to feel because of the fact that I like myself.
Maybe I haven’t accepted myself like I thought I had.
Or maybe everyone else is an asshole.
There’s only two options here, people.