Bombed my Calc test.
Note to self: Depression and tests don’t mix.
Have yet another one on Monday.
I’m disappointed but its okay because 1) I know I can do way better, it was two problems that screwed me over, and 2) my math buddies got the same scores as me. One kid asked if the professor took an average and he said he didn’t; usually they do. I’m assuming most of us sucked so much ass that he didn’t waste any precious math on it.
Some kid got 100 percent. There’s always that one little smart bastard we all want to drag into the back alley and slap across the face with a piece of rotted ham until they agree to take our exams for us.
Then make them eat it.
Okay, that might be too extreme, but you can understand my frustration.
At least I got some good grades on my chemistry quizzes and homeworks. And some horrible ones. But fuck those ones.
I mean, you know there’s something wacky going on in my head when I get better grades in Chemistry than I do in Calculus. There must be some quantum paradox going on. I don’t even know if that’s a thing.
I don’t know what it is about today. I don’t even think I’m staying on topic. Am I? Whatever; it’s too hard trying to focus. I woke up feeling monotonous like I have been for the last three or so days and about halfway through the day I got my spark of energy back. I came up with some awesome ideas about an organization that could be started and some more ideas that had something to do with class, but as quickly as they entered my mind they disappeared. Well not entirely. I need to write them down before more come and I can’t fit them all in my head. That being said: here’s a messed up story Straight Outta Compton.
I mean Delaware.
Some cops burst through the door of a house where a quadriplegic woman with Cerebral Palsy was getting a sponge bath by her veteran husband who also happens to suffer from schizophrenia. They ended up arresting two nephews, with just one pleading guilty to one count of drug paraphernalia. One count. You busted through a persons house for that shit? Hope a serial murderer isn’t taking advantage of all the man power spent on this B.S to sneak into the neighbors house and smack some people upside the head with a two-by-four.
Oh it gets better, by the way. The troopers pointed their guns at the woman and told her to “get the fuck up”.
Adding insult to injury; nice.
The husband desperately tried covering his wife with a sheet, as she was nude obviously, but the police grabbed his arms and punched him repeatedly. He got shocked by a stun gun twice, once in the shoulder and even though he lie on the ground bloodied, the officers continued their beating and stunned him the second time. They decided to call an ambulance when the woman, Lisa Hayes, cried out she was having a heart attack.
Of course the raid worsened her husband’s schizophrenia because holly shit, suddenly half of your paranoid fears are coming true in less than a few minutes. It’s not uncommon for people to die from being stunned multiple times; that could have been a murder very easily.
The lawsuit wants the judge to give the couple awards for their damages and force the police to change policies on dealing with disabled people. Like, you know, don’t beat them when they’re not attacking you and don’t tell a woman bound to a wheel chair to get the fuck up when 1) the family warned she was quadriplegic 2) there’s a wheel chair in the damn room and 3) her husband is giving her a damn sponge bath! I’m almost positive couples without physical disability don’t do that on a daily basis.
I’m not getting “racey” here, but the family was black. Just saying.
It reminds me sickeningly of the video released back in February (can’t remember if it was 2014 or 2015) of the cops with their guns out, pointed at yet another man with schizophrenia who was running around the yard naked with a broom stick, obviously psychotic. The cop kept yelling “get the fuck on the ground!” (like he’s going to understand) and then shot him five times and killed him on the street in front of his mother.
She must feel a terribly guilt for having called the police. I hope she doesn’t though; she hadn’t shot the gun.
And you know, I talk a lot about depression and anxiety (because I live it) and I talk a lot about other things I experience and how we don’t “talk” about these things but I feel like we don’t talk nearly as often about severe mental disorders like schizophrenia. We can all relate, kind of, to people with anxiety and depression because we’ve at some point felt it to a tiny degree. Doesn’t make people accepting of the disorders, but it’s easier for them to make an effort to empathize. But not all of us have been psychotic or delusional or manic and most of us never will. It takes a little extra effort into understanding the terror your friend feels when she’s sitting in the closet hyperventilating because the F.B.I is outside encircling her house and shouting for her to come out with megaphones.
That’s probably a horrible example but forgive me, I’m only trying to promote understanding from a perspective of someone who’s never dealt with an experience like that.
If your friend is depressed and laying in bed all day feeling worthless, hopeless, and unwanted, numb, you can sit in the kitchen and think back “I remember that one time I felt so hopeless I thought I couldn’t take it anymore. It must be worse having to feel that everyday”.
If your friend is packing his belongings to move to Paris because the being from the sixth dimension told him it would save his life, you’re not going to go “Oh man, I remember when the voice in my head told me to move to London, It must suck to have that all the time.”
Get real. We have to take a different approach to reducing stigma of these severe disorders where even the doctors don’t know what’s going on half the time. It’s not enough to inform everyone that most people with schizophrenia aren’t psycho murderers or even violent for that matter, it’s not enough to give them a list of symptoms and shove acceptance down their throat; if they can’t feel the terror these people feel most of the time, what reason would they have to accept any part of it? We learn and understand with our emotions, remember? Pamphlets are nice, but they’re about the most ineffective mode of facts I’ve ever seen.
Virtual realities of what it would be like to live with schizophrenia is a start I suppose, but I don’t think Anderson Cooper having two ear pods in his ear with pre-recorded voices playing on his Ipod as he walked through the streets of New York or whatever is what I’m thinking about.
That being said, I’m not advocating traumatizing people with virtual psychotic episodes, that’s probably not a good at idea. I’ve heard it’s been done before. What I am advocating is that stigma is a complex issue that requires complex treatment. Not only do people not understand the disorder(s) but they see it as a weakness, even if they see it subconsciously. They look down on all of us in a way. I don’t think we should focus our energy on trying to bring ourselves up to that imaginary pedestal they’re on, (although by all means, promote equality regardless of disorder or disability) I think we should focus our energy on bringing them to our level. You know, the level where the rest of the world lives. Reality.
I’m not saying we should scare them, but we should.
It’ll be a light, informative scare, just enough to jolt their nerves a bit. Because hell, we have to live with that every day. They can deal with it for thirty minutes.