Life, Love, Laughter and Sorrow

I’d like to see myself through the eyes of those around me.

I wonder what I look like.

I’d like to see what my depression looks like through the eyes of people who have only ever wept tears for some great tragedy; an appropriate tragedy.

I want to know what thoughts run through their head when they decide not to talk to me. When they decide I’m better off alone, left to my own devices. I want to know where those ideas are coming from, because I haven’t said them.

I want them to know that I just want support, that’s all. I don’t want to be left alone, not like this.

I know It’s hard for me to laugh at jokes right now, I know it’s hard for me to find joy in something as amazing as life, but that doesn’t make me some Ebola-infested monster, does it?

Can’t I get a hug? A compliment? A promise? A reason to live?

I don’t want someone to cure me, I want someone to be there for me when I can’t be.

Maybe that’s too much pressure.

Maybe I’m too needy. Maybe they don’t know what to do because humor is the only way I converse. When that’s gone, I’m gone too. Maybe that scares them.

It scares me.

Maybe if I go to bed, the morning light will burn away all these thoughts. Maybe I’ll forget they even existed.Maybe I won’t care they existed. Maybe people will love me again when I can laugh.

8 thoughts on “Life, Love, Laughter and Sorrow”

  1. So frustrating when this happens…it’s like if you’re not slapping on a smile 24/7 then people don’t know what to do with you…I think it’s uncomfortable for many because a lot of people are afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing…it’s similar to that of someone passing away…it’s not necessarily that people don’t want to support the person grieving but they feel the will do or say something to upset them further, just know that you are not alone right now with how you feel…it sucks…the people you think would just “get it” seem to be the ones who really don’t…I don’t think they mean for it to be that way…I try to give the benefit of the doubt there but honestly sometimes you have to spell it out in big giant letters and a megaphone in hand lol…I JUST NEED A HUG…YOU WILL NOT CATCH DEPRESSION!” lol

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It is so frustrating. Yeah, I definitely agree with you. It’s hard for people on the outside to understand and I think sometimes as hard as it is for them to try and support me without saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing, it’s equally hard for me to spell it out so blatantly just because I don’t want to put the pressure of my issues all on top of them. So it’s like we’re all on opposite sides of a boat in the middle of the ocean and if one of us steps in the middle we risk tipping us all into the water. Where the sharks are lol. But still, some people do need it spelled out. I think I just need to get more comfortable with expressing myself to them. Man, if people caught depression through hugs the entire world would be infected by now XD

      Liked by 1 person

      1. LOL true! and I have to say with my own experience being mentally ill…the first person I thought was going to “get it” was my fiance…it did not start out that way…I realized I was going to have to explain what was going on in my head…more than I care to but being bipolar and having GAD…you tend to internalize everything…by the time things boil over the people closest to you have no clue and seemed shocked…then you feel hurt that they are shocked because in your mind you felt you made it obvious…my rule of thumb now is if I feel I am being obvious like if I am having a Bipolar moment…I blow that up 10 times lol…also when I am doing well I sit down with people like my fiance and have a quality conversation on what the signs are that I may be in need so he kind of has a heads up…he’s gotten a lot better and you will find anyone worth your time will take the time to meet you half way but I find it’s the ones in need who have to go there first…you have to make it “OK” lol go figure the one with the mental illness has to teach the others with out so they can get the support they need from those closet to them…not draining at all lol

        Liked by 1 person

      2. That’s a really good point, I never thought about it that way because I get so wrapped up in what I’m feeling, I’m thinking “yo, you guys, how do you NOT notice this?” I think I need to have myself one of those conversations with these people. I think I need to let them know that it’s okay to try and lend me a hand when I’m struggling. I internalize everything too and then boom, meltdown and fireworks go off and roads crack and Cthulhu rises out of the depths of the underworld and everyone around me stares blankly like what the hell just happened lol. Thank you for helping me see this situation a little differently 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      3. You’re most welcome! 🙂 I’ve made peace with the fact that it will always be a work in progress other wise not even meds could help me lol (((hugs))) hang in there and I’m glad I got to relate with you 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t think you can “get it”, not truly, if you haven’t experienced it. I never wanted to open up to anyone, much less ask for help. But then I did. And it has helped.

    Liked by 2 people

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